It would be so, so easy to lampoon the Republican debates and so ‘done already’ that I decided to take a step back and do what a friend of mine suggested, that is, to review the debates from a more removed, transcendent position, which, in his mind at least, he labels as the ‘Obamaway’. For me, this is like eating popcorn laced with LSD. It’s really horrible, but you can’t stop.
I don’t know about your household but this is the time of year when we sometimes get the unwanted gift of a three pound can of mixed nuts. Something in me gets really excited about the gift (that salt craving part), and I look at the picture on the can and see all the filberts and pecans and hazelnuts and (yum) smoked almonds and I can’t wait to peel back that aluminum seal and get a fist full. It is then that reality kicks in and spoils the whole thing.
I get the rush from peeling away the yellow plastic cap and then the thrill of the vacuum seal giving way and then, there they are: a vast ocean of Spanish peanuts. Not the democratic variety of walnuts and Brazils but the monochromatic displeasure of the ordinary, abundant, and, shall we say, really cheap Spanish peanut. My disappointment is palpable. I shake the can. I paw through the order. Not a smoked almond in sight. Not even a split hazelnut.
But then, at the bottom of the can, I find hope. Nestled among the peanut skins and grams and grams of sodium chloride, I hit pay dirt. A pecan. One, full half, uncompromised, lonely pecan. I finger it gingerly, take it to my lips, press it to my teeth to snip off a delicious end bite, and then it hits me. Rancid as yak butter. Disgusting, but not revelatory. I should have known better.
I seal the can up with the yellow top and flip it over. Voila! The expiration date is 1994, the same year Newt Gingrich touted the Contract On America. The parallel was excruciating. The ideas expressed at the most recent Republican debate were just as old and rancid as the nuts that espoused them. And the nuts in the can. Fait accompli. Full circle.
But my purpose is to look beyond the similarities and comparisons, nuts to nuts. My purpose is to drill deeper to find those elements of quality and value in what was opined and debated in that forum, to fair shake the candidates based on what they expressed. And, to be really fair, there was a lot I could get excited about.
Newt Gingrich wasn’t lost in space, he was really dedicated to our revived exploration and colonization of said space. Maybe it won’t be a Moon mine or a Martian hydrogen factory, but he was at least a proponent of science instead of witch burning, and this is quite a step forward for your average Republican. He didn’t endorse Wicans for Peace or anything, but it’s a start.
He also advocated that school districts should get a coupon towards the purchase of a young African-American ghetto dweller so that the child could begin his/her instruction in a useful trade, such as janitorial work. Outside of actually advocating the open assassination of Liberals in the street, this was one of the most well received ideas in his debate performance. The audience openly cheering the idea was only dampened by the rules of the debate and Diane Sawyer’s valium induced haze. Not that I blame her or anything. It was the debate or a move to her own show on Animal Planet. At midnight. In Alaska. Take your pick, sweetheart.
My guess about Willard Romney was that he was having terrible gas during the debate. Repeatedly, co-debaters kept looking at him askance with perplexed expressions that defined such comments as ‘Is something dead in here or what?’ But, pressing ahead, he was a veritable urinal of ideas, accepting various inputs with little or no scrutiny, especially if they contributed in any way towards the perception that he was electable to the highest office of the land. To steal a line from an MSNBC contributor, the guy would goad his campaign to an opening of a can if it would get him more votes. I came away with very little in ideas that were expressed by the poll leader at the time. But I have one for him: Beano. And no more embarrassing $10,000 throw downs. You’re chance of winning is about 99 to 1.
Rick Perry was his worst enemy, outside of every gay or lesbian person on the planet, but he had the best idea of the night regarding his campaign: He should stay home in Austin and watch the other debates on TV and just phone-in his participation, which he is doing anyway but this way he can get a snack easier and let the dog out.
I have to lump Rick Santorum and Ron Paul together in the hope that they will somehow find their mutual success as the Frothy Mix Party, a third party hybrid of everything that’s wrong in the American political system juiced together in a chocolaty blend of self serving government bashing and god induced hysteria. In their Brave New World, everyone pulls themselves up by their bootstraps in order to crush the living daylights out of everyone below. I guess you could say that I didn’t really find much redeeming quality in either of their performances. Or their humanity, what I could find of it. They are both exactly what they pretend to be. Intellectually shallow while purporting to be insightful, morally bereft while exclaiming to be standard bearers for a higher order, and pretentious in their false humility, having all the ideas, all the relevant answers, holding all the keys to the mysteries they themselves synthesize through their customized conspiracies. They are both bullshit on steroids, and damn proud of it. Praise God.
Michelle Bachman…there is nothing I can say. I really tried hard to find something other than her insightful comment on the national treasury, which she emptied, by the way, to pay for unnecessary foreign conflicts (ie. wars) fought for oil (ie. liquid war) and for tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires. If dust and moths flew out of something empty and opened, it wouldn’t be just the treasury. It would be her head.
Did I miss anyone? I don’t think so. I realize that I failed in my attempt to find a reasonable center, a bi-partisan collection of sound ideas from the debate that could serve as a basis for the advancement of our common good as Americans. But what was I thinking? Am I really high and don’t know it? Somebody slap me. My delusion is that there is any there there. There isn’t. Bipartisanship is an illusion with ideologues. For them there is no center in their universe. No compromise. No reason for union. They are just an aberrant, imbalanced electron warping the orbit of sanity for the rest of us. Their intention is nothing short of perpetual instability, into which can be inserted the use of force for domination, the goal of which is the usurpation of democracy.
But is there any real difference between the insane antics of the obviously disturbed Republican Party and the chronically delusional Democratic Party? I don’t know.
Ask Paul Wellstone. And be prepared for an impressive answer.
Rearnheart
Silver City