Not today, yesterday. Just another one of those days where I got up dreading my second job. It's not so bad once into the 8 hours answering calls, but knowing the shift lurks ahead is enough to color the day gray.
Then, even before my first break, I get a text message from my brother. My step-mother just died. She was at home in Indiana, with hospice care, but she loved Christmas so much we thought she'd somehow last through the holidays. She didn't. Her pastor came to call, she said a few words to him, and then died. (As a pastor, that's one of those moments where you're glad you were there with the family, but sometimes feel as if you bring death along with you. Really sick people look up, recognize us, and their eyes say "Oh no...it's time!")
I'd been quietly feeling sorry for myself because I had nothing to give for Christmas again, and no time this year to make something. Then suddenly the problem got worse. How was I going to travel 1000 miles away and 1000 miles back with no money? (Things worked out, so far...)
But I was angry and enraged at life,destiny, God. Outside of one depressive episode many years ago, I'm one of those "head down, into the wind and keep walking" people. I get staggered, and I rage, and I keep walking--because there is no other choice. After working all my life, doing college and masters degrees, working, working, working....a major car repair, huge medical bills, taxes, and a house heading into foreclosure, I hadn't been able to see my dad for 18 months. I was just TIRED of the struggle. I knew I had to get back up, but wasn't sure where the energy was to do it.
Then, in the midst of the everything, came another message. "An anonymous donor has gifted you with a lifetime subscription to Daily Kos" !!! For me, that was a sign of life. Thank you, whoever or whoevers! You made a world of difference and gave me the strength to get up again.
And maybe to do a few happy-dances. (And a few more rants from the pulpit.)