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It is Known that Rick Perry is a farm animal, the result of a failed Dr. Moreau-type experiment that sought to cross a man with a steer.

It is further Known that this experiment was pursued by extraterrestrial beings, who have bred and/or assembled all the 2012 GOoPer candidates for the presidency; it apparently satisfies their alien sense of humor, this mucking about with the American political system.

Today, more is Known. And that is that a supermassive black hole is present in Rick Perry's head.

Heretofore the smallest black hole was believed to operate in the constellation Scorpius. However, when Science Men directed the Rossi X-Ray Timing Explorer at the Perry cabeza, they detected a signature "heartbeat" that confirms that a black hole indeed dwells within his cranium.

Now, it is Known that mini-black holes can be no larger than an atom; these "may be passing through the Earth on a daily basis, and pose a very minimal threat to the planet." The Perry black hole, Science Men say, is a little larger than that, and indeed poses a threat, because it has taken up permanent residence in Perry's brain, where it threatens the planet by rendering Perry, who is seeking the American presidency, incapable of rational thought.

For whenever Perry forms a thought, it is immediately sucked into the black hole, where it disappears, never to return.

Since not even light can escape a black hole, there is no hope at all for any nascent notion sparked in the sparse brain folds of this failed farm animal.

That a supermassive mini-black hole is continuously sucking away the emanations of his brain explains why, to give the most recent example, Perry's attempt to note the passing of North Korean goofball Kim Jong-Il found him releasing a statement in which he thrice referenced "Kim Jong II." The hole relentlessly ripped away every attempt of the Perry mind to perceive "Il" as consisting of an "I" and an "l," rendering him wholly unable to perceive anything but the Roman numeral "II."

It is Good to Understand these things.

Word whispered about in the Science Man community is that as soon as the Perry candidacy officially crashes and burns, he will be quietly spirited away to a Lab, where he will be Studied, as to the effects of supermassive mini-black holes on the human—or, in his case, pseudo-human—brain. In this way, he will serve Wo/mankind. Which he is not doing now.

(This piece, illustrated, originally available in red).

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