When you lose someone, you have two choices at the holidays, it seems to me. Either you carry on with your old holiday traditions, feeling the loss of the person all the time, or you go on to make new traditions, and miss your loved one all the same.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Here's a link to all previous Grieving Room diaries.
Follow me below the squiggle for some thoughts on my holiday traditions and some meditations on loss.
When I was small, we had a number of Christmas traditions. One was the box of toffee that we always started breakfast with, with my mother's family. Another was the dinner that had All The Relatives, including the ones we didn't much like, including the ones who couldn't cook but insisted on bringing something to eat anyway.
When I was younger (and I will admit to doing it still, if pressed) I used to eat the things that I didn't like first, so I could finish up with my favorites. One great-aunt made a crab casserole dish. For some of you I'm sure that's delightful, but I don't actually like crab; the flavor is wrong and the texture really doesn't do it for me. So I ate it first, thanking her for bringing it and making polite noises. After having done so, I managed to let myself in for a second helping, of course, since I'd finished it so quickly. I choked that down too. Ever since then, at holiday meals, while I save a bite or two of my favorites to finish the meal with, I try to eat in a more measured way. I can laugh about it after all this time, but wouldn't it be lovely to have her back to chat with again?
Since my childhood there have been divorces and deaths and marriages and births, and the family is very different nowadays. We started some new traditions, such as having a glass of champagne before dinner (what a treasure to be considered one of the grownups and given a glass of my own), and including some of the in-laws with their own traditions.
Still, none of the additions (people or actions) can really replace the missing loved ones. Especially if you just lost someone, or if the anniversary of their death is near the holidays, you may end up bracing yourself to endure the time, and waiting for the calendar to finally turn over.
The last three years, after we lost my father, have been the hardest for me. We have tried not changing anything, we have tried not having a family gathering at all, and we've tried blending the new and the old. Some of those changes have been successful, and those are the ones I want to highlight right now.
Here are some of the things we've added in to our personal traditions:
- going to see "It's a Wonderful Life" at a local movie theater on Christmas Eve
- singing Christmas Carols on Christmas Day to a group of senior citizens
- going for a walk on the beach on Christmas Day
- dinner preparations really can be a spectator sport... the family my niece married in to is always two hours late at least with the food. Now that we're letting them host, we can all sit around comfortably sipping wine and chatting and watching the chaos unfold.
- the Chocolate Dance was a new one for us, inspired by the three-year-old who was really happy it was finally time for dessert. :)
What do you do to keep yourself going through the holiday season?