As the Weight Loss Kos group gets going, and as fellow Kossacks are beginning their journeys, I thought I'd start reposting some diaries I did both here and on Facebook which express my thoughts and feelings during my ongoing weight loss journey.
First, some background. I began my journey in November of 2009 at a weight of 600 pounds. It's almost embarrassing just to write that, but there it is. I'm currently down 250, on my way to a target weight of between 200 and 250.
This was the first diary I published on this, after I had lost my first hundred pounds.
Dated February 15, 2010:
Well, there it is. Since November of 2009, I've lost a hundred pounds. Normally this would be an incredible feat, one that I should be proud of. And I am. However, there is that other word in there. FIRST. That's right, I have another couple hundred pounds to go. How did I ever let it get to that point? I literally have to lose the equivalent of an NFL offensive lineman. Or two of my brother Andrew. Or almost three of my sister. That's over a quarter ton. I feel like I've been fed into the Total Perspective Vortex (Douglas Adams people know what I mean). That kind of perspective is enough to make one crazy.
So. To begin the story, over the summer, I had a few job interviews, but basically sat around the house. After quitting smoking in March, I thought my huffing and puffing days were over. While I did stop coughing, I didn't notice that I was really breathing heavily when I would walk up the stairs, and that I needed to rest for a while after that 14 step climb. Then I went to watch my sister run the Chicago marathon. I could barely walk half a block without needing to stop to rest. And I had to go to China for New Year's and perhaps do a lot of walking around over there. Something had to be done. So with the help of my sister, I found a doctor who does non surgical weight loss. And away I went. And as I have progressed, I have come to the conclusion that it was partly my condition that has worked against me in the interviews I had.
Sometimes it takes a great shock to ensure a commitment.
To an impatient person like me, it will seem like forever. But I remind myself that it's only been about 3 months. That's a HUNDRED pounds. A little over a pound A DAY. I have no expectations of this keeping up at this rate, it's almost medically impossible. But before my 45th birthday I expect to meet my goal. Oog. 45. Mortality. But that's another subject.
But how do I feel about it? I feel very good, but like I said, I'm impatient. I want everyone to finally see the total hottie I am. I'll be back to maybe just slightly less than my weight in High School. Now, people don't look past the obvious. Back then, I had other issues as well, but no one ever called me ugly (at least to my face) as far as I can remember.
Back to perspective. When I began my journey, I joked with my doctor that I could lose 150 pounds and no one would notice. Well, so far, that isn't completely true. I have gotten some comments on how my face looks a bit thinner, or how I'm slightly "saggy". And the smallest comments are always welcome. Nothing provides more motivation than your friends and colleagues noticing and making positive comments. This is NOT to say that I'm soliciting praise. I have an ego, and being a band director, it needs to be stoked, but one must watch how much in service to the ego one is.
That being said, I definitely (to me) look smaller. My clothes are looser. I'm back to needing a belt, and the belt is almost too big. I don't huff and puff walking up the stairs. I was able to do and walk most of the places we went to in China. I'm taking a deep water aerobics class, and I'm slowly coming back to being able to swim a half mile when I work out. My quarters come much easier now.
Now for the bad news. As I've mentioned, this is medical weight loss, supervised by a doctor. Until now, my COBRA plan covered me. It has expired. And evidently, Blue Cross doesn't think I deserve insurance. There is a silver lining, though. At this point in time, I can afford the twice weekly labs, and the once a month doctor appointments. Soon, I'll have been on this program for three months. I'll find out if my regimen needs to be changed or if I still need to be doing what I'm doing. And of course, I'm looking forward to the following problem: When it's time, will I be able to get the skin removal surgery, which will be the last few pounds to my goal?
I'll finish with this thought I just had. I was thinking that when I'm done, I won't be super skinny, but I'll be "normal". And I thought: Normal? And what am I now? Not normal? That's a backhanded hurtful way to describe a whole lot of people--people like I am now. I mean, I've always been told I was handsome. However, many times that has been followed by a "but". Sometimes it has not, and I deeply thank those that don't use "but". The acceptance of us for us is always a tough task. We all have used a "but" to our friends and loved ones, even at our most kind. So one final thing I hope for is the wisdom to use and remember my experiences of what life has been like for me in dealing and interacting with others. They say to walk a mile in the other's shoes. Well, I have been that other, and I hope to remember it.