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One week ago - I signed in here. Now I can create a diary - I am using my chance ..
I wrote the following lines on December 26th in 2011, so please remember when you read it.

Hello to the world ( of Daily Kos)...

I am not sure that it is the right decision to join here, but I think I should give it a try; I am searching for answers..

First I want to say sorry for my bad English – I`m writing from Germany and do my best, but I know my English is not that good. So I hope to be understood, as I mean it, but I guess it will often not be the case – in German it is hard enough, unfortunately.

The reason I signed in, is that I am worried about my fiance, and I know he is a member of Daily Kos. I read about some diaries / entries he created and thought, that I should not miss to try to get answers from people from here.

So I think I have to explain some things..

First: my fiance is the ONE for me. He is the man I want to spend my life with, he has my heart and I love him so much. He helped me through a very hard time, I spent in clinic and I just don`t know how to thank him. In the summer this year I had a phase when my psyschosis / schizophrenia broke out again. It was the first time for us to manage because we don`t know each other so long. We are together since one year and about 4 months. We got to know in clinic, because he is also ill. He is a veteran and has PTSD and alcoholism.
And that is the problem I don`t know how to deal with. In the last weeks / months he tried to get an appointment at a psychotherapist, but it is pretty hard, because their calendars are so full with people. The other side is that he says, there aren`t experts for “Kriegstrauma” (war trauma?) in Germany. I know that there must be experts, because German soldiers come back from Kosovo / Afghanistan .. with PTSD, too. I don`t want to compare different things, but I think in this special case, there are people to ask for help, also in Germany. But that is not the point.

The point is, that he handeled his illness with the alcohol, over many years. He doesn`t drink anymore since february, 2011 (he relapsed only 5 times) but I worry about him. Important to know is also that we moved from a shared flat to our own flat in October – life has changed for us and got better. He finally won his painful struggle between him and the department of veterans affairs, maybe in January he gets his complete backpay - finally. I don`t want to accroach (?) that I can imagine how he must feel about, but I think I can empathize, because of my own struggle (with my mother for years. She was abusing me physically and mentally for many years when I was a child.)

But back to the topic: I am asking for some people who can talk about their own experiences with PTSD / Alcoholism – maybe there are some wives who are married with veterans here. What I tried to describe was, that I don`t know how to deal with it. The question is not about any “special situations”, f. e. derealization or other circumstances which occur sometimes – I want to know how to deal with our problems in everyday life. Yesterday and the day before he felt very sad, f. e. and I know that he wants to be alone in this situation. So I went out with our dog and came back and he was doing the chores – and so Christmas was over and we did not have fun or relax, or just a few hours on Christmas Eve.
Important to know is that his father died many years ago but on december 25th – in the Christmas time and yesterday he told me, that he never felt sad at that time. He was in war, he told me, when this happened and so he had not the time to think about or allow sad feelings. He said things like “Finally I should come over it,j <”, but in my opinion (and experience – I have a trauma and had depressions) I think if one doesn`t confront himself with (such) feelings and if one tries to deny them, one can never be free or one has to accept that he gets overwhelmed, sometimes. If there are strong feelings (of rage, hate, love .. or whatever) they do exist and there is no chance to deny them. I know it is very painful to deliberate / reflect but other people find other ways and so I try to accept his way. But it is very hard to see him overwhelmed from such feelings and the only way he knows to deal with is in drinking alcohol; so he tries to deal with his addiction. ....what I am worried about is his way. Before our move to our own flat he was continuously going to the meetings of AA, at least. But now he wants to deal everything alone – and that is why I worry about him and his health. And I find him more often in situations like yesterday.
Since that time I am getting worse, too. Maybe it sounds egoistic, but I have to take care of myself because of my own illness. But in situations like the described ones I feel powerless and I have to see my fiance – a picture of misery – and am not able to help him. I know it is my fault, but I can help other people more than myself. But I have to learn or there is no way out besides clinic visits every few months.
Many times I asked him, what he wants me to do in this moments – but the only answer was “I don`t know”..

So I am searching for help here now. I hope I did not miss important things to say, but I would appreciate every comment – whether it is short or not..

Thank you very much in anticipation!

Originally posted to StellaSophie on Mon Jan 02, 2012 at 12:51 PM PST.

Also republished by Military Community Members of Daily Kos and The Royal Manticoran Rangers.

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