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Join The Evolution Revolution!
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DARWIN AWARDS "Training Grounds"
DARWIN AWARDS honor those who do the most to improve our genepool--
by removing themselves from it, thereby ensuring that the next gen
is descended from one fewer idiot.
TRAIN EXPERIMENTS & A LITTLE BIT OF POLITICS.
Darwin Awards: The Evolution Revolution. Chapter One: Training the monkeys. Literally. A ghost story, a psychic, and an athlete explain by example why it's important to choo choose wisely. "MIKE" is a fictional observer named after the first nuclear fusion explosion, which completely obliterated an entire island. [video: http://bit.ly/yYbrxA ] All facts about the Choo Choo Train Darwin Awards are accurate.
"Mike" was reading a newspaper on the train on the way to work. German trains really do run on time, so Mike was cheerful. He read in the funny pages that the Political Darwin Awards were a news item, and he thought. "Those jokers are some major darwinawards dumbasshats. I'd nominate them all, every last one." Typically the Ho'osapien had someone else to blame.
At that moment, the connecting doors opened, and in walked Yasin A., 22. Thinking himself alone in the compartment, Yasin grabbed a handrail with both hands and swung his feet up against the window. Swinging feet forward from a handrail into the window, he succeeded not only in bursting the glass but also in being sucked out of the moving train, feet first. Mike could hardly believe his eyes! The trained athlete was a shoe-in winner of a Darwin Award! Several days later, he would read in his morning newspaper that the man was found, completely by coincidence, when workers were changing a fitting in the area. Dead on the tracks in a manner so mysterious--given that Mike was about to quietly leave the scene--that police spent two days trying to reconstruct what happened.
Mike didn't want any trouble, so he quickly moved into the adjacent compartment. Mike hoped that Yasin wore clean underwear that day. He had been told that that was important. He checked the newspaper for a date: 15 December 2009. REFERENCES: http://bit.ly/...
-- PRESS RELEASE 2012/01/12 --- READ ON ---
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Would Yasin's results differ depending on whether the handrail was vertical or horizontal? The orientation of the handrail was not reported. A possible scenario is illustrated here: https://bit.ly/xC808A
In the adjacent compartment, people were talking noisily so he lost his train of thought, and absently tucked the newspaper under his arm. He overheard a pretty woman avidly describing how a Russian lunatic had been trying to prove his brain had the psychic powers needed to stop moving vehicles 'dead' in their tracks. The woman laughed a little when she said, 'dead.' The fellow was a famous mentalist by the name of E. Frenkel. Evidently he had started small--a bicycle here, an automobile there, the occasional streetcar. Methodically he went about determining the largest mass his brain could stop by sheer force of will.
He came to believe that he needed to put himself in mortal peril to find the upper limit. "In extraordinary conditions of a direct threat to my organism, all my reserves will be called into action," and even the mass of a train could be deflected. Filled with confidence, he tossed his briefcase aside and stepped onto the tracks with arms raised, head lowered, and body tensed. The engineer applied the emergency brakes, but momentum took its course. As a child would know, a train is more than a match for a brain, and that was the end of E. Frenkel. REFERENCE: http://bit.ly/...
This seemed farfetched to Mike. He wondered why the man would toss his briefcase to the side. It didn't fit. He pulled out his phone and blekko'd for news related to the topic. He found one yellowed page on the net [ http://bit.ly/... ] a report that looked authentic and claimed to be from the Associated Press. Perhaps it was true, perhaps the mental case did psych himself out, back in 1989.
Mike thumbed through his paper and found his favorite ulcer section. More stupid blunders in the political realm. It was getting so this side, that side, every side was behaving like monkeys. Yep, another self-serving statement so obviously stupid that it could get a man laughed out of a bar in four states plus Maine. Who better to mock than Homo sapiens sapiens, monkeys and monkey politicians elected by monkeys to rule over monkeyland. "It's like trusting your life's savings to a two-year-old." His ulcer grumbled. Mike knew he was smarter than all those political monkeys. Too smart to run for office, that's for sure.
He began reading the movie listings, and found one that was based on the true story that happened near his hometown of Statesville, North Carolina. Back in 1891, a train wreck that killed about two dozen people became the center of a legend that the ghost train returns on each anniversary. A pretty sizeable group of ghost hunters bought into the local legend and were standing on a train trestle, waiting for the ghost train with their cameras ready, when a real train came through on schedule. Eleven of the ghost hunters were able to dodge the bullet, but 29-year-old Christopher was thrown from the trestle, and died. Mike supposed the movie folks would put heroic spin on the event, perhaps making Christopher a hero for rescuing a squirrel or something. [ http://bit.ly/... ]
Mike hoped that his own last act would be as noble as rescuing a squirrel from a train, becauses that would be one last point of good karma on his record. Mike thought that the notion of ghosts was ridiculous, but he had to admit, he was superstitious. He tried to blow out all the candles on his birthday cake, detoured around any kind of ladder, and he knew for sure that Karma was real. Karma was probably why that athletic no-brainer in the other compartment went flying out the window feet first. "It always catches up to you," Mike thought as he exited the train. Right on time, as always! It was going to be a great day.
* Mike is a fictional viewpoint. Thanks for reading. Be safe, y'all!
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Darwin Awards rEvolution.
The Darwin Awards is seeking licensees for sensational new story formats! We favor licensing directly to the artists who create. If you can portray in a new way, animate, storyboard or add punchlines or sketches to our stories, now's the time to consider licensing the Darwin Awards for your dream project! School class projects and other not-for-profit ideas are also of interest. Please submit your licensing proposal to: Mooglie Boogh and "we'll have lunch and chat out the details of your lovely awesome work, ciao doll-face!" says she.
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-- PRESS RELEASE 2012/01/12 --- END ---