"Good evening. This is United States Of America Customer Support. I'm Kevin. How may I help you?"
"Hello?"
"This is Kevin. May I help you?"
"Hello?"
"This is Customer Support. Can I help you, sir?"
"I've got a problem."
"How may I help you?"
"The income distributor isn't working right."
"Let me get some basic information, and I can make a diagnosis for you, sir."
"I know what's wrong. I just want to know how to fix it."
"What's it doing?"
"It's running too rich."
"Again, that's something we determine on this end, sir. What are your symptoms?"
"There's not enough coming in."
"Insufficient income?"
"That's what I'd call it. Small business performance is in the crapper, unemployment stinks, and there's not enough money left in the economy to keep a hedge funder alive."
"Have you attempted to adjust any of the dials or alter any of the settings?"
"No, but the indicator on the top stays pegged at one percent. I'm getting nothing."
"When did this start, sir?"
"Ever since we had that disaster of a general manager in there--"
"I mean your current problem, please."
"About three years now."
"Please hold a moment while I check that for you…"
"I bet you're getting a lot of calls on this."
"Not really... Uhh... Sir?"
"Yes?"
"The income distributor is working perfectly."
"What?"
"It has been determined that The United States runs best at a ninety-nine-to-one income mix--"
"According to who?!"
"Whom, sir. The stockholders, board of directors, and the general manager--"
"See here, Kevin--"
"Have you considered upgrading your service level, sir?"
"That takes money!"
"Free markets and free enterprise at work."
"This is a violation of the warranty!"
"Sir?"
"Life! Liberty! Pursuit of happiness! It's right there in black-and-white!"
"You're confusing the warranty with the mission statement."
"What?"
"We have no control over dissatisfaction with the mission statement, sir. It doesn't carry the force of law, and it wasn't really written with the customer in mind. That "Top One Percent Thing" isn't really new, you know. Your warranty is enumerated in the Bill Of Rights--"
"That's another thing! I haven't seen my habeus corpus rights since that son-of-a-bitch Bush--"
"There's no need for foul language, sir."
"The hell there isn't! You just said it's part of the warranty! I protest!"
"Free speech resources are limited at the moment, sir--"
"You can't do that!"
"Management has determined that reasonable controls can be placed on your rights of free speech and assembly in order to serve the common good. Other service providers are even worse."
"I don't care about other providers! I want the level of government I had when this country was dreaming big things and making them come true!"
"We don't provide that service any more, sir. The board of directors has determined that it is too costly to continue. They've chosen to cash out and leave those functions to others."
"So the majority of us are left out in the cold?!"
"I'm not allowed to divulge that information, sir."
"I have a right to know!"
"We're still experiencing the interruption of taxpayer prerogatives brought about by that big denial of service attack ten years ago."
"When will you be turning my rights back on?"
"That's up to management, sir."
"I'm not happy with this, Kevin!"
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing more I can do for you, sir."
"Well, connect me with someone who can--"
"Sir--"
"Right now, Kevin. Please!"
"Yes, sir. First, I'd like to inform you that these calls are recorded along with your contact information for quality control purposes--
"What?"
"Also, second tier service is being offered by another provider. Please respond to the survey at the end of this call--"
"You bet your ass, I will!"
"--So that we can better serve you. Finally--on behalf of USA, INC.,--I'd like to thank you for calling."
"Kevin--"
"I'll connect you now, sir. Have a good evening."
"But--"
--Click--
"Good afternoon, sir. This is Zhao speaking. How may I help you..."