Dallas, TX
Shortly after clarifying a clarification they had recently clarified concerning their grant policy, Susan G. Komen for the Cure proudly announced a new partnership with a group doing groundbreaking research into whether keeping women barefoot and pregnant will prevent breast cancer.
"It's a natural extension of our historic policy of wanting to prevent breast cancer," a spokeswoman said, adding that she would not reveal her name until she had talked it over with her husband first. "We asked ourselves if we were really doing everything we could investigate sound, effective preventive measures, and we realized that no, we weren't. Everybody does breast examinations these days, but no one, I mean absolutely no one, is doing research into whether being barefoot and pregnant will prevent breast cancer."
One of the researchers on the team that is receiving this funding was enthusiastic about Komen's interest. "For a long time we were operating entirely on our own enthusiasm," he said. "No one was interested in this potentially game-changing investigation. Now we have a chance to really look closely at the issue, not to mention follow up on a few related theories--you know, whether or not staying at home and raising kids increases your resistance to melanoma, or if frequently and cheerfully putting out for your husband makes it less likely you'll get a cyst."
Immediately after this announcement, another group applied for a loan to study a possible link between breast cancer and being taught the theory of evolution in public schools as a young girl. Komen has confirmed they are studying the proposal with some interest.