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I read a diary this morning that was wonderful about the taxes and the farmer.  It was called Do you know this man?  I want to give that idea a different twist because it doesn't matter if it happens in the place we call America or home, it is the same feeling.
The whole idea of I am making it on my own made me think of some similiar things that have gone on in my own home and the feeling made me want to cry.  I didn't know whether to cry for the stupidity of that kind of mindset or that it what one half of the country applies to their own nation.  I know kids and  many households go through this sort of thing.  Jump below the fold so I can explain and break it down better

I wonder if this mindset is something giving and loving people cause by sacraficing or if it is spoiled brats who really believe this junk.  I really think people that has this type of non appreciation are bitter epic fail people.  Whether in the household or in the country.

Here is my example of how it breaks down in the home.
A family of modest means will reach out to adult children who may have lost a job or
had some emegency situation regarding evicition, children doing with less, or just can't make it.  They appear on your doorstep hat in hand with tears in their eyes.  They are broken people.
The family, usually 40 or over struggling but depends on themselves and not anyonel else because there is NO body else.  They are the elders.  In almost all of these situations the family votes dem or independent.  I do not know any republicans who are caught in this trap.
1.   They feel complete empathy for a bad situation and want to help out.
2.   The grown child or child and partner and kids move in.
3.   In the beginning they are appreciative
4.   They ask if there is anything they can do like mow the grass or help with laundry or do dishes, or other housework.
5.   Eventually they have staked out their own spot in the household.  Their room, their garage, their basement, their attic.  It is their spot.  It is their private domain.
6.    Pretty soon, they feel comfortable to go in the frig and get what they want to eat at all hours of the day and night.
7.   It is not like they do not contribute but the amount is so small that it is hardly noticed by the elders.  The elders are paying 80 or 90 percent of everything, sacraficing their privacy and all for wanting to maintain good family relations and to genuinely help.
8.   They interlopers are  staying more and more in their domain except to wander into your space and make a few requests that later become demands.  Things like, I need to use the car because mine does not have a tag or won't crank.  They then, start complaining about the kind of meals you have prepared.  They have long stopped washing a dish or helping around to earn their keep.  They are into their own thing.
They invite their friends and others to come into their space but invade your space to get there.  Your peace is at stake at this point.
9.    They may get some income tax back or some food stamps and not many but throw you some of either or both and then throw that up in your face that they are doing their fair share.  Once a year or once a month they feel they have equaled to what you do every single month and week ever single day.  
  You listen to their thoughts of how they are basically keeping the elders up and therefore it doesn't matter how much you feel they should be doing is that YOU are the ones who should be grateful they are there. It does not matter if you pay all of the bills.  It does not matter if you make sure the children are well fed and clothed.  It does not matter that you put all of the gas in all of the vehicles, running or not, and insure everything in the yard or garage.  It does not matter that you have a sense of routine, if it intereferes with the occupiers of the house then you will have a bad day.  There will be a blow up.  You will get tired of looking for something special you bought to eat because those who feel so special have eaten it up.  You want peace so you start finding cubby holes to hide for yourself just to have a twinkie.   Toilet paper.  OMG....Hide that because the people who have now claimed your place will yell at you because there is no TP in the house.
Basically you have lost control of your own dwelling and when there is a showdown , someone in your house will side with the occupiers and say, We can work this out. really cannot be worked out.  You have put up with this nonsense for years, and with different sets of kids and relatives or friends.  It is crazy and you become so depressed that you feel you are lost in confusion.
There are deadlines set to get out.
There are guidelines set to contribute more
There are reasonable rules and requests made
They like the republican congress will not budge.  They still expect a sugar tit and a way to impose on your generoristy with full belief they are contributing more than their share and in the meantime if you do throw them out, they leave and never speak to you again and have squandered all your good will and preach individuality and standing on their own and never appreciate anything that was done on their behalf.
Isn't this the way the Republicans are and I might add these interlopers do vote republican later on and praise Ronald Reagan.  They think you are a chump or too old to know shit from shinola and they really believe this.  It is their mindset.  It is all about them.  This is the very same mindset of every republican voter I know and I guaratee you they do not put up with any helping their kids unless they are wealthy or helping anybody because they don't feel like we do and they don't get used either.
They will take and take from the Federal Government and basically as i always heard.
Crap on you and then gripe at you for stinking.  It is and forever will be All about them.
They are spoiled brats who feel if they contribute to the government, it is too much but want to reap what the givers have put in place.  I see this scenearo playing out in communties, homes and right on down to the ballot box.  I am going by personal experience here and it is the same to me.

 They look at you and me like we are their own personal servants and treasure box .  And that is the whole thing in a nutshell.  i have known people to have to get evicition notices to have their own family removed.
I have known one family to give blood that her family could eat after interlopers ( the ones who were supposed to have left the nest and returned) have taken more than their fair share,  the elders may have special needs in the house and feel they need to have these ungrateful people in the house because there is some genuine fear of not being able to get around anymore.  There may be  children from different spouses and the argument ends up with the opposite spouse that the gorwn child belongs to.  This is real trouble.  Spouses start fighting.
They don't care about you.
They will dig into your social security, or benefits but wouldn't ask for any on their own.
They will eat your food but keep up a front they are doing all this on their own.
They don't respect you.
They really don't.
How many times have you heard republicans refer to the socialists living in the basement.  Projection I tell you.  Those people in the basement are Republican through and through.  Even if they do not vote that way.
Republicans or users.....even if they are your own family....They don't care.
My advice.   Never allow them back in your home.  They don't have sense enough to know when they have overstayed, overborrowed, overextended and the first chance you get even if it rips your heart out,  Throw the bums out !!!!!   You may be alone with your principles but you won't be in a drama everyday of your life.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (17+ / 0-)

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 08:11:52 AM PST

  •  has this happened to you? (10+ / 0-)

    it sounds very personal.

    Indeed, ya gotta set boundaries and take proper care of yourself before you can care for others.

    Scientific Materialism debunked here

    by wilderness voice on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 08:22:19 AM PST

    •  it has happened to me more times than (11+ / 0-)

      I can count.  Different kids...same results.  I also have friends it is happening to,  Different relatives.  It has happened more than I care to think about. Almost always comes down to I am about to divorce you if this continues.  Seriously.

      We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

      by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 08:26:32 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  So sorry you've been going through this... (8+ / 0-)

        My foster son is going through a similar situation, and it's difficult for all concerned, but especially for him.

        Years ago I had reached the end of my rope and my endurance after giving, giving, giving until there was very little left for me to give.  At that point, a wise person pointed me in the direction of either Families Anonymous or Co-Dependents Anonymous.  I would recommend these groups for those who are caught up in a continuous and endless cycle of unappreciated (and ultimately unhelpful in terms of changing things permanently for the better) giving.  

        Obviously the situations described are in reference to personal and intimate relationships, where one individual continuously takes more than they give, and feels safe in doing so because of the intimate connection.  It really does them no favors to continue to deplete our own financial and emotional resources to the breaking point.  Because once the giver is totally broken--where will the taker go?  

  •  I have never given blood (8+ / 0-)

    nor evicted people but I have literally had to have showdowns and my husband who suffers from PTSD is the world's worst to bring people from the family in.  I have known friends and other relatives who have had the same situation.   There are more than 10 Million grandparents raising their grandkids.  Check it out.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 08:30:16 AM PST

  •  WOW quite a story (7+ / 0-)

    My family does not live with each other and that is probably why we get along so good. I never expected or reallly dreamed of moving back in with my parents after I was 17 and I let my son know I expected the same with him after he got out of college.
    I love my son more than anyone  but I sure don't want to live with the sumbitch, the last time we even got close to doing that we wound up punching it out.
    Now he lives in Chile, which is OK with me. I'm going down to visit him for a month in March and they(him, DIL, 2 g-dtrs) come up here in the fall for a couple of weeks but he currently lives in a much better house than I do so He wouldn't be motivated to mooch off of me. I couldn't live with the DIL either.

    Happy just to be alive

    by exlrrp on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 08:37:07 AM PST

  •  I just came out of a living situation... (13+ / 0-)

    where I was the beneficiary of a place to stay.

    I'd planned to leave last year after a few months on the job, but those I was staying with sat down with me and we had a talk about me not getting an apartment then.

    At the time, I had been there 1.5 years and had been working approximately 6 months. I had saved enough to get out on my own and have a small safety net, but not enough to do any better than that or save long term as easily for anything more than renting.

    They asked me to consider staying longer knowing we all wanted to reattain a level of privacy we had not had for some time. I agreed and continued my monthly savings, and in November (2011), we had another talk. I'd been feeling the desire to have my own place more and more for several months and they were ready to reclaim their home space as well. They were hesitant because all of us did have a mutual respect and none of us wanted to seem like we were being disrespectful and they did not want it to seem like they were showing me the door.

    I let them know that it was more than fine that they decide to have the conversations and that, being the adults we are supposed to be, we could have a talk without it being considered an attack. All of us over the next few days realized we were very fortunate to have the shared mutual respect to be able to talk about these things without the topic becoming threatening or abusive and insulting.

    I started my house hunt then (after the talk) and as of the end of January, I have my own home now, with a decent buffer in the bank for adversity. They gave me the opportunity to save and buy a home of my own, instead of me throwing even more money away renting over time.

    I helped with groceries weekly. I cooked, cleaned, etc. The things one should do and while I felt comfortable enough in the kitchen to go and get what i wanted, I didn't do so at their constant expense.

    In the week since I have moved into my home, I can honestly say I do not miss the sofa I was sleeping on but I deeply appreciate the fact I had a place to sleep, a roof over my head, warmth, and a place where I could save my money for something better. I never once resented helping with groceries, or buying extra things.

    -6.38, -6.21: Lamented and assured to the lights and towns below, Faster than the speed of sound, Faster than we thought we'd go, Beneath the sound of hope...

    by Vayle on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 09:35:24 AM PST

  •  I feel your pain, my ex the troll is living in (4+ / 0-)

    troll cave in my basement.... I can't stand it but can't get rid of him....sign... There is the good, bad and ugly but it could be worse...

    "It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save the environment." *Ansel Adams* ."Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."*Will Rogers*

    by Statusquomustgo on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 09:58:36 AM PST

  •  What an awful situation you have described. I feel (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    jimreyn, Vetwife, BusyinCA

    lucky never to have been in such a situation. The closest I've come was with someone who was not in the family. We worked hard to enable her to move out, but the loss of privacy sounded familiar.

  •  I have lived it too (5+ / 0-)

    But I do not have a spouse that I have to fight with. I understand your position Vetwife. I have sat back and watched you and your family over the years and then my son moved in with me and his fiance and their little girl (and now 2 months away from having another little girl). When my son first moved in it was my joy to help him - they said they needed help getting away from her family that was threatening them even with a gun. I helped them move down here, and gave them a place to stay - a few months later I was informed it would be until their daughter started school ... I was like WHAT??!? I thought it would be until he got a job and they could save up for their own place ... but ... somehow our communication was not the best ... and I was left out of the loop Soon enough I got tired of paying for all their needs along with mine. And yes I have had to give blood for food or gas in the car, or garbage bags etc. They moved in with me in July of 2011 and it is only now in Feb that my son finally decided to get a job. Maybe it had to do with me getting ready to stop paying for their needs including the cell phone I had been paying for for years.

    I decided that I was going to live my life and they should be happy to have a roof to cover their head. I stopped being responsible for them and stopped filling their car and stopped being ... their provider. I told him - I am not doing you any favoer, I am enabeling you rather than helping...

    And in less than a month he had a job interview - go figure.

    I think it's possible to help - but it has to be within your limits to give. I had to say - wait I am allowed to have my own life and spend my money the way I want to. I still give - but I am not going to bend over backwards and turn into a pretzel for my kids - but will help when I can where i can. I may have to help them for a year or more, but when I see I am enabling rather than helping I have to draw the line. I have to be able to live with who I am. I have to be able to live with the decisions I make. I do not regret helping - but I can't be stupid in how I am helping either.

    •  I applaud those who can get past the (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      BusyinCA, whatGodmade, FindingMyVoice

      dependent stage.  I have little or no backup from the VA
      who will not work with me on this guilt thing my husband is on and wanting to give and give until we are depleted and I am not talking money here but emotional spending.  The money I can pretty much control but the forever trying to make up for the damage in one year of VN  and constantly trying to help and help and help when it is sheer self destruction.  People can zero in on a sucker and a PTSD patient is a guilt ridden sucker who can never do enough or pay enough or help enough to rid them of their demons.   I am the bad guy because I can draw lines in the sand but I surely pay a price for those lines.  I have noticed veterans fall into two categories for the most part..They hate their mental state so much EVERYTHING gets to them or NOTHING gets to them and those are the ones who want the Government to get out of their lives.  There is little in between.  Not saying none but few.  People I know on here pretty much have their priorities in order but I have known a few, more than average people who have so much difficulity in relationships because they either self medicate, don't medicate or find another form of self destruction and if it is Here take my everything as your own with the exception of your kids and wife. or kids and husband..then they have major problems.  Then they blow and end up in jail, the hospital  or both. Sometimes they run to the woods or just fall into a sucidial mood.   The VA in Florida is the worst VA I have seen lately.  i would appreciate very much calls for an investigation into the Gainesville VA Inspector General.
      I have been requesting this for awhile.  So far the calls for the inspection for here and Bay Pines are going unnoticed.  I need an inspection on Regional Bay Pines and Gainesville and the state's new contract rule for any kind of pain meds,, (a Scott deal) I am sure,  Not true in all states.

      We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

      by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 11:21:06 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Well.. not a state deal (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    BusyinCA, FindingMyVoice

    but refusing to continue pain meds for disabled veterans
    is a mess.  I read up that several class action law suits going down on this latest debacle.
    I laid the law down on everyone today.  The deal is this.
    No democracy here.  Just imperial dictatorship...
    Now....people can stay or go....but so far everyone is walking around on pins and needles staying out of the way out of the fridg out of my car and out of my space.
    Long Live the Queen of Mean !  If the rules get too old, people will decide a tent will be better than dealing with the Queen of Mean.  All in all I guess a quote from Bush applies here and even though not appropriate for is quite appropriate for these circumstances.  This is your one shot War Criminal.. I'll apply it to me and is probably the last time I will ever quote the likes of you.
    Feel Honored Shrub.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 01:17:34 PM PST

  •  Great diary Vetwife, spoken as one who has been (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    there, done that and had to mend and wash the T-shirt and pay for bus/air fare/bail money.

    Spouse and I understand where you are coming from. We haven't had any grown 'dependents' move in with us yet, partly because we keep moving to smaller and smaller domiciles. 800 sq. ft. doesn't go too far.

    It took some time and bad experiences for Casa Busy to wise up and stop being the walking wallet. One thing we have noticed, when they ask for specific amounts of money, like, "I need to pay $133.17 or my (pick vital financial need) will end because (insert heart wrenching sob story theme here)." Oh, look at the time, I have to go now, is a classic response to that.

    I had always hoped that I would discover a rich relative to assist me someday. Now I realize that I AM the rich relative. Last Christmas the major gift we gave to relatives was food. Sad how so many have so little.

    Good analogy to the Greedy One Percent (h/t to MoT). If I can add a few observations:

    They think that your money is their money.
    They will take everything you have, and it is still not enough, and now both of you are broke.
    You are the mean parent if you do not cave into every demand.
    Everything is your fault, they did nothing wrong, ever.

    "I don't need a script to tell the truth" Ed Schultz, Feb. 4 2010

    by BusyinCA on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 02:09:19 PM PST

    •  I know what you mean and I just read where (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      this generation is called the Boomerang generation but it doesn't end there.  The back story is the kids that move back that have boomeranged are the 39 plus and some of their kids you already had.   The real boomerrange effect is that 60 percent of the babyboomers are not only raising or adopting their grandkids but having to take in their almost retiree age children who should be out there making bucks.  They picked the majority of the boomers because either they are retired, 401K'd or on a fixed income compared to the people living in tents and cars due to this depression.
      Add non insured on top of that and what you have is one helluva load for seniors to face.   I am proud of the fact my Mother not my Dad, but Mama was right would not lift one finger to help me keep a light on or a bill paid.
      She said you made your bed.  Well I didn't back in the Reagan years and still depended on no one but myself.
      I went without, scrounged for every dollar and job and had it real hard enough to screw up any retirement but I made it.  We spoiled our kids because we had it so damn hard under Reagan and then the crash hit and we got stuck again.  I am just at a loss for words.  The census reported globablly mult family exisitence under one roof was on the rise and hitting nearly 70 percent of households.  Tears streaming.  We did not intend our retirement golden years to be this damn hard.  FU Mitt Romney ..FU George Bush!

      We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

      by Vetwife on Sat Feb 04, 2012 at 03:44:00 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

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