The Bishops' most sincerely desire to protect religious liberty by preventing their depraved parishioners, being deprived of free will and consequently driven to use such product regardless of church teaching, from any attempt to acquire or utilize products that purport to chemically or physically prevent the successful intermingling of zygotes.
And far transcending any secular issue of religious liberty or attendant constitutional rights, the Bishops comprehend that by refusing to provide their parishioners, specifically those working in affiliated organizations together with their unsaved brethren, with insurance coverage for any such zygote intermingling blocking products, they not only preserve the integrity of the Catholic Church, so obviously and ruthlessly diligent in otherwise enforcing this policy, but in fact preserve the very value and dignity of all human life. These Bishops see the self-evident truth that if any acorn is swept to the street, the mighty oak is but a meaningless twig.
Although the President recently proposed a new rule which would lift this moral burden from the good Bishop's shoulders, they rightly chose to reject this reasonable solution to their unreasonable problem. Instead of accepting an offer which appears a victory, they boldly decided to enhance their conservative victory, by announcing that they will settle for nothing less than the truly absurd. In this they bravely follow the trail blazed by House Republicans and the Komen Foundation confirming that true conservative ideologues will never stop until all are rendered numb and disgusted.
To that noble end, I propose one final compromise. We cannot forget that although the Bishops reject any artificial attempt to block the intermingling of zygotes, they apprehend the obvious truth that this does not mean you cannot coax nature by using "natural" methods of frustrating zygote intent. Consequently, I propose legislation consistent with natural family planning. Instead of money applied for morally compromised artificial birth control methods, funds could be applied to timely reward men for "pulling out" prior to orgasm or for refraining from their desperate need to copulate during the two weeks surrounding ovulation. Medical coverage for pain control would be freely provided to any man willing to soak his testicles in scalding water at least three hours a week. Although the possibilities are endless, we must acknowledge these rewards can only be granted to men. As the Bishops well know, women, and an undetermined population of small boys, were ordained to possess only the duty to submit. As the spiritual heads, men inherited the divine right to decide whether to initiate or refrain from sexual activity.
This life affirming proposal not only satisfies existing Catholic teaching but takes advantage of the well established linkage between Christianity and the capitalist reward system so often preached by Christ. Everyone is satisfied, family planning health coverage will be provided to all, the Catholic Church retains their richly deserved integrity and the fundamental lack of female rights remains safely preserved.