Cross Posted at The Smew
WASHINGTON, DC—President Obama signed a declaration of war against Iran today, citing the Middle Eastern nation’s budding nuclear program and increasingly antagonistic rhetoric, both of which have been making for some really phenomenal television.
Congress unanimously approved the use of military force, sending the official declaration of war to the oval office hours before the Eastern Time Zone’s prime time television slots.
“We’ve done all we can to avoid sending our troops to Iran,” said Obama in a speech that interrupted regular programming on most major TV networks, and which pundits predict will be re-aired on countless nightly news programs nationwide. “But the fact is this: we’ve built up so much tension for so long now, anything else would be anticlimactic. It’s time to show some respect for the rules of narrative plot development. Our viewers expect nothing less.”
According to Speaker of the House John Boehner, the first to raise the prospect of immediate war on C-SPAN, the U.S. has no choice but to invade Iran right away.
“The next Nielsen sweeps period starts February second,” said Boehner. “If we’re gonna get ratings anywhere near Iraq or even Afghanistan, we need to be in there and blowing shit up within the next two weeks.”
Iran’s nuclear program has been of deep concern to U.S. and Israeli security forces for several years. U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says recent developments in Iran have finally pressured the U.S. military to act.
“According to my sources, there’s not really anything good on TV right now, in either country,” said Panetta. “Basically, we don’t have much choice.”