From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Mitt & Rick Show
"Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there."
---David Letterman
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"Have you noticed Romney doesn't even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck."
---Jay Leno
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“Santorum made a speech [at CPAC] and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.' The guillotine? Really??? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and fuck the French.”
---Bill Maher
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“Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.”
---Jimmy Fallon
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Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.
---Conan O'Brien
One year ago:
"For the very first time, a majority of likely 2012 Republican primary voters do not believe that Barack Obama is an American citizen. Fifty-one percent! I'm just so proud to have been born in a country where unsubstantiated rumors about people you don’t support become majority beliefs."
---Stephen Colbert
We hope Colbert's mom, Lorna, is feeling
better. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Okay, let the swizzle-sticking begin. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 17, 2012
Note: Congratulations to Adele for winning the National Baking Championship. That girl's on a roll!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Purim: 20
Days `til the National Cherry Blossom Festival: 32
Percent of voters who say they support the federal requirement that health insurance plans cover the cost of birth control: 65%
(Source: NYT/CBS News poll)
Percent of Catholic women who support the requirement: 59%
(Source: PPP survey)
Percent chance that Mitt Romney's marketers don’t know the difference between Detroit and New York City: 100%
(Source: Jed)
Time it takes a star-nosed mole to swallow a mouthful of earthworm: 0.23 seconds
Time it takes a Dittohead to swallow a mouthful of Rush Limbaugh's bullshit: 0.22 seconds
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And you thought herding cats was tough…
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CHEERS to Washington! No, not the cesspool that is our nation's capital…I'm talkin' 'bout Maine's easternmost county, which is having its GOP caucus tomorrow after postponing it last weekend due to bad weather (it rained lobsters---very annoying, but very good for the nose-reattachment business). The whole country will be fixated on Washington County tomorrow because it could actually flip Maine from the Mitt Romney win column to the Ron Paul win column, adding yet another layer of incompetence and embarrassment to a very incompetent and embarrassing GOP primary season. The magic gap Paul needs to overcome: just 195 votes. To put that in perspective, that's exactly the same as finding a gap that can be overcome with just 195 votes. Spooky, huh.
P.S. In yesterday's Portland Press Herald was this ringing endorsement for Mr. Dog-on-Car from a letter-writer who attended the York County caucus last week: "I enjoyed seeing Mitt Romney in the flesh. I am pleased to report that he actually is far less doll-like in appearance in person than he is on television." We hear campaign advisors Barbie and Ken are inconsolable.
CHEERS to ringing endorsements. Four words I don’t believe you'll ever hear: "Maya Angelou is shrill." So it's gotta be cool for Barack Obama to know that, after three rocky years at the helm, she's still got his back:
Obama has critics and doubters. Angelou, the sage of black America, now 83, has no time for them. "I think he has done a remarkable job, knowing how much he has been opposed," she says. "Every suggestion he makes, the Republicans en masse fight against him or don't vote at all." It's about him being a Democrat and being the first black president, she says.
Angelou worked with [Martin Luther King, Jr.] in the 1960s as northern co-ordinator for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and the pair debated the possibility of a black president. King said it would happen within 40 years. Angelou told him it would not happen in her lifetime. She was wrong; happily so.
And a bonus snip:
More recently, her presidential link has been via the first lady, Michelle Obama. "She's the grand dame," says Angelou. "I wrote her a note a few months ago because I was in a gathering. The president and his party were there, but I had to leave early. I know that's a gaffe because no one leaves the building before the president so I wrote and apologised. I got a letter from her in her own handwriting. She said: 'I have only one regret---that I didn't come over and hug your neck.'"
I got a similar note, but it says "...wring your neck." I assume it's a typo. She's busy.
JEERS to the Man Show. If Congressman Darrel Issa was trying to lock up the Keep-'Em-Barefoot-And-Pregnant vote, he succeeded yesterday by holding his Appropriations Committee hearings on women's birth control coverage with a panel of dudes. Even in conservative households, that's gonna fly like a lead balloon. (It didn’t help that, at the same time, Rick Santorum's pet billionaire Foster Friess was explaining to a flummoxed Andrea Mitchell that in the old days "gals" practiced contraception by putting Bayer aspirin between their knees. Gee, I always thought they used Bufferin because it was less abrasive. Silly me, huh.) It's more evidence that Republicans are so sour on their field of candidates that they're now actively trying to get Obama re-elected. Meanwhile, Issa has scheduled more hearings. Topics include Mexican immigration with a panel of French people, the future of NASA with a panel of lobbyists from the buggy whip industry, and the basics of diplomacy with star witness Foster Friess.
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas is in December?
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. The ever-astute John Cole at Balloon Juice asks: "Can someone explain why everyone who played hockey, lacrosse, or soccer in the late 80’s had a fucking mullet?"
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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JEERS to the big stall. On February 18, 1841, the first "ongoing" filibuster in the U.S. Senate began. It lasted until March 11. One thing we'll never have to worry about---a politician running out of words.
CHEERS and JEERS to the Odd Couple. She's a Chris. He's a Chris. She's a governor. He's a governor. She's a Democrat. He's a Republican. She's a west-coaster (Washington). He's an east-coaster (New Jersey). She received a gay-marriage bill from her legislature and quickly signed it. He received a gay-marriage bill from his legislature and quickly vetoed it. She's on the right side of history. He's on the wrong side of history. Get a room, you two.
CHEERS to great discoveries. On tomorrow's date in 1930, astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered a new planet (sadly no longer classified as a planet, but rather a "pathetic chunk of disappointment") in our solar system. He called it Pluto. Republicans called it Home.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the goodies on the tube this weekend: On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Eliot Spitzer, Erin McPike, Steve Moore and Alexandra Wentworth. New DVD releases include Johnny Depp's second outing as Hunter S. Thompson in The Rum Diary (Mmm, rum…aghhlghglg), zombie madness in The Dead (Mmm, zombies…aghhlghglg) and, for Rick Santorum: Nude Nuns with Big Guns. (Harry's world-famous roundup is here. Maya Rudolph hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: Norwegian chess whiz Magnus Carlsen. The Simpsons airs its 500th episode Sunday (they get kicked out of Springfield). And Sunday night on HBO it's the premiere of Ricky Gervais' new series, Life's Too Short.
As for the news shows: tomorrow on Up! With Chris Hayes: discussion of the contraception revolution with Reihan Salam, Maria Hinojosa, Kai Wright, Nancy L. Cohen, Peter Moskos and Ann Stone of Republicans for Choice. After that, catch the debut of The Melissa Harris-Perry Show…yay!!! And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Foster Friess Bayer Aspirin Index (1 = Head feels fine, 10 = MAKE IT STOP!)
Meet the Press: Rep. Chris van Hollen (D-MD) and Paul Ryan (R-WI); roundtable with Ed Gillespie, Al Hunt, Andrea Mitchell and Helene Cooper. Bayer Aspirin Index: 7
This Week: It's ABC's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping. (Honestly, this is getting beyond silly---McCain hasn't contributed anything to our discourse in years.) Plus Robert Gibbs and the roundtable with George Will, Jonathan Karl, Lou Dobbs, Dee Dee Myers and Clarence Page. Bayer Aspirin Index: 8
Bill Moyers & Company: (Bookmark it!) Excellent political communication expert Kathleen Hall Jamieson decodes the political misinformation campaigns of 2012; Rita Dove on the power of poetry (hint: it should always rhyme with Nantucket); Moyers on religious liberty vs. religious politics. Bayer Aspirin Index: 0
Face the Nation: Rick Santorum; roundtable with Norah O'Donnell, John Dickerson, Karen Tumulty and Todd Spangler from the Detroit Free Press. Bayer Aspirin Index: 7
CNN's State of the Union: Ron Paul; Mitch Daniels; Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Bayer Aspirin Index: 5
Washington Week: Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post on the Michigan and Arizona primaries; Jackie Calmes of The New York Times on Obama's budget; the Democratic victory in the payroll tax cut and unemployment benefits extension with Susan Davis of USA Today; Martha Raddatz (I like her!) on naughty Iran. Bayer Aspirin Index: 2
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Newt Gingrich; Rep. Eric Cantor; roundtable with Kimberly Strassel, Joe Trippi, Karl Rove and Kirsten Powers. Bayer Aspirin Index: The Whole Damn Bottle
On second thought…maybe go take a brisk walk Sunday morning. To the nearest open bar.
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Five years ago in C&J: February 17, 2007
JEERS to third-grade school plays. Because apparently someone at Fox News is using them as a blueprint for their new Daily Show knockoff. A Hi-larious sample:
"The American people have a crush on Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Some say he's going to be our next president. So how can you stay on the cutting edge of Barack Obama mania? By subscribing to B.O.---Barack Obama magazine!"
[Laugh track: HaHaHaHaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Whoooo!!! Oof Oof Oof!!!]
I want you guys to promise me one thing: if C&J ever falls to that level, shoot me.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to games Billy plays. I'll preface this by saying I have no idea who "Ivoryboy" is, except that he/she/it (on the internet you never know) is really talented, creative and sneaky. Other than that, I'm not sure how to preface this except to say that lately I've become a fan of "spot the differences" puzzles. I dunno why---maybe it's the knowledge that I'm getting old and mind-exercise games may be the only thing preventing me from going schlumpnutty. But anyway, most of the ones on the internet suck---they're too easy, too poorly designed, whatever. But if you've read this far, you're in for a treat from the aforementioned "Ivoryboy," who has turned "spot the differences" into a series of online works of art. The best time to play is late at night, when it's quiet and the lights are low. Click here---I recommend you start with #6, with music. It's challenging, to be sure, but the scenes---lounging on a star-lit hillside, sharing a subway with a deer-headed commuter in a business suit, observing the oddity that passes through a railroad crossing, smokin' a butt at a loading dock---are fascinating, mesmerizing, sometimes haunting and definitely bizarre. You can hit the "H" key for 1 hint per screen (but not on the games marked "4" and "5"), and there's no penalty for false-clicks so if you get stuck, you can just click willy-nilly 'til you get through it. This has absolutely nothing to do with politics, but after this wacky week, who gives a shit---I say knock yerself out. And 'Ivoryboy," whoever you are: more please.
Have a great weekend. Oh, and Happy Birthday to Duncan Black, aka Atrios, who turns 39 for the second year in a row tomorrow. Heh indeedy. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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