Yeah, I'm frustrated. Real frustrated. Frustrated at myself. Frustrated that I know what's wrong and yet I'm not doing anything about it.
You see, I've been trying to lose the same ten pounds since July. I've been stuck between 290 and 300 pounds lost since July.
And it's February.
And you may ask yourself "WTF, zen? You've lost 300 pounds! Be happy!"
Don't mistake me. I am.
But I'm also not.
You see, my doctor wants me at 250. I have 50 to 60 pounds (depending on the weigh in) left to go. I'd personally like to get to 200, but that's for another diary.
And it's been that way throughout my journey. I'd approach a "milestone"--100 lost, 150 lost, 200 lost, and so on--and then I would seem to stall. Before, the longest I've gone without movement has been a month. But the odometer would always turn, and I REALLY want to have the first number in my weight be a 2 instead of a 3.
Hence the "Aaarrrggghh".
To all who are on a similar journey, this is the hardest part of the whole process. KNOWING what to do, but CHOOSING something else, or else developing bad habits around it.
I'll tell you what I mean. I rehearse for a choir on Monday nights. Because of the distance involved getting there, and the state of my car, I use my mother's. She keeps chips in the car. Lots of chips. I am a believer in "to be early is to be on time; to be on time is to be late". So often I have time to kill. Guess what happens? And this choice is starting to become a habit.
Also, I use the website myfitnesspal.com as my food diary. As all of us know, a food diary is used to keep track of what you eat--it's a motivational tool as well as a clinical tool. But sometimes, I'm a bit "lax" in my reporting. The odd bite of chocolate here, the odd chip there, often times never get reported. And they add up. I try to keep myself to around 1800-1900 calories a day, the website bot says 2160 is good for me, but even though I "meet" the goal, nothing seems to happen.
I think I've become a little lax in portion control--when it comes to non-meat products, I often "eyeball" it instead of measure and weigh. Same goes for recipes. Often times recipes will have the pertinent nutritional information, but I'll "fudge" on the portion size with regards to the recipe and I'll have eaten more than I report.
And as far as exercise goes, I've been told to try to do SOMETHING for at least 15 minutes a day. Well, you can guess how well that's going.
And that's something I need to fix NOW. I've just made a decision to enter the Grand Rapids Triathlon. And I need to learn how to run a 5k.
So, I'm frustrated with myself. Because my choices are leading to bad habits. My LAZINESS is leading to bad habits.
And this is the Great Danger in changing your lifestyle to lose weight. You must ALWAYS stay focused. Even when things are going well, you must STAY FOCUSED.
Even now, my thoughts are running like this: "I'll stay focused...starting tomorrow".
It NEVER goes away.
Thanks for listening to me vent.