You've heard the news by now. Rick Santorum's 2008 speech set forth his views on the greatest homeland security threat ever. Satan
"Satan has his sights set" on the United States of America, adding that "the Father of Lies" is using vice to go after the nation's great institutions.
Rick: have you read Satan’s job description?
This is what he does. What else would he be doing? Enticing people to go to church, where their kids might be preyed upon by un-celibate pedophile priests?
"This is a spiritual war," Santorum said in 2008. "And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: A good, decent, powerful, influential country - the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age. There is no one else to go after other than the United States."
No one else? Really? Is that because every other nation is already saved (thanks to their own Santorum clones who’ve – thank God - pulled them back from the brink of perdition? Or maybe because they’re already sliding down that slippery slope with a little push from the Father of Lies? But, hey - no worries… some places are probably not worth saving because (and how can I put this delicately?) they’re not populated by the “right” sorts of people. Maybe there are other countries that are already a Living Hell: economically, socially, medically, or spiritually (or for some, all four).
So this leaves Satan with a nice big (and unsuspecting) target: the US of A. Home of freedom and liberty, two things that Satan and Rick both seem to despise. Freedom and liberty sound nice enough in a campaign speech, but in Rick’s world, if you’re a woman, you’re gay, you’re not part of his Catholic sect; or (like me) you enjoy non-procreational sex as part of your marital relationship, your freedom ends where his intrauterine control begins.
Santorum goes on to say that Satan has been "most successful and first successful" in attacking academia, saying Satan exploited the "pride of smart people."
Smart people are forever gumming up the works with their
pesky theories and ideas like global warming. Satan, it turns out, knows quite a bit about things getting warmer. I’m frankly surprised and disappointed that Rick hasn’t used espoused the view that global warming is a precursor to the fires of hell. Yes, it’s getting warmer! Satan is expanding his territory. If you don’t like this heat, how will you withstand the fires of hell!? The ozone layer died for your sins!
Then, he said, Satan went after the church, and now "we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it."
Well, finally, we’re on the same page. Some of our “Christian” leaders espouse some philosophies that would make Jesus weep (or go postal). Still, condemning “mainline Protestantism” is a pretty cheap shot, Rick. Why not tell us (or better yet, show us) why we’d want to join your church. The “world of Christianity” as you see it is a pretty harsh place. The sort of place that Satan might have designed in his spare time. Where “hell” was nothing more than an endless loop of your
sanctimonious sound bites.
He then said Satan has also gone after popular culture - which he discusses below - before saying politics "is falling too."
"Whether its sensuality of vanity of the famous in America, they are peacocks on display and they have taken their poor behavior and made it fashionable," he said. "The corruption of culture, the corruption of manners, the corruption of decency is now on display whether it's the NBA or whether it's a rock concert or whether it's on a movie set."
So.
Don’t.
Go.
Stay home and do whatever it is you do, Rick, to pass the time and keep your family entertained. Bible study. Home schooling. Picking lint off sweater vests. Hollywood and New York City may be the Sodom and Gomorrah of the US of A, but we’re a nation founded on the ideals of freedom, including freedom of expression. You do remember what “freedom” is, don’t you?
The more I think about it, it seems like this is an awful lot of work for one Lord of Darkness to tackle. Academia. Protestantism. Pop culture. Hollywood. Sports. Politics. The “sensuality of vanity”, whatever that is. This must be one really awesome guy, this Satan. The ultimate multi-tasker. When they talk about giving the devil his due, Rick’s gone above and beyond. He’s high-fivin’ the dude.
What makes me wonder, though, is if things are already falling apart, why wouldn’t Satan just relax in his La-Z-Boy recliner and open a cold one and enjoy the show? Why go to all that trouble? He’s apparently set us on the road to ruin. Maybe we should just hop in the car, lock in the directions on the Garmin-of-Life, make sure we’ve got a full tank of gas, grab a bucket of fried chicken, put on some dark glasses, and head for the horizon.
But… I digress…
Rick is worried about a lot of things. Not the sort of things that keep the rest of us awake at night: the growing disparity between the poor and the ultra-rich, unemployment, foreclosures, looming threat of endless wars, lack of competitiveness in global markets, pollution, global warming, poverty, hunger, disease. No, Rick is worried about our very souls.
So I have to wonder: why didn’t he go into the priesthood? If he’d applied himself, Rick could be on a path to becoming a cardinal, who knows, even the Pope. He could have his own Santorum Sanctum Sanctorum. With a global pulpit, he could blather on all day about the evils of those who use contraception, the eternal damnation of those who entertain impure thoughts, and the fatal flaws of all manner of other regular people.
Why aspire to the presidency? I understand his desire to legislate morality. Even assuming that would actually work (history suggests otherwise), have you checked on Washington lately? It’s total gridlock, Rick. You’d be lucky to get Congress to pass a resolution making baseball the national pastime.
You’re fighting an uphill battle, Rick. As you lead your hateful crusade, you might want to look over your shoulder from time to time to see if anyone’s following you. Anyone besides Satan, that is. He’s just checking up to make sure you’re still on board with his plan.
You don't want to piss off that dude.