With 666 GOP primary debates behind us, it's clear that we're still going to have to deal with more roaring and thrashing by Brontosaurus Romneii, Struthiomimus Santorum, Stegasaurus Newtii, and Libertariasaurus Paulii.
The fossil record suggests that the only entities facing extinction at this point in the proceedings are:
The GOP establishment, whose utter ineptitude resulted in this Cretaceous clusterf#@% and who now face the distinct possibility that they have permanently torn their party to shreds.
CNN and other so-called news outlets who "hosted" the debates, lobbing insipid nerf-ball questions to the candidates, and packing the debate hall with ankle-biting low-information voters who cheered dying patients, gays in the military, and executions.
Viewers, who wasted untold hours, imperiled their sanity, and annoyed their friends and family with extensive bursts of profanity during the debates, and endless rants after the debates.
The reputation of the United States among our allies and enemies abroad, who cannot fathom why a great country like ours an only field a sanctimonious religious zealot, a soul-less business man, an academic bloviator, and a crazed grandpa as "viable" candidates.
One demographic roaring back from threatened extinction by the GOPasaurs? American women who refuse to return to pre-Triassic days when egg-laying was the only available option for females.
Those of you who've been following my dino-diaries know the drill: follow along below the coprolite...
The debates and campaign have definitely taken their toll on Brontosaurus romneii, once (at least in his own mind) the inevitable GOPasaur choice. Unfamiliar with the concept of natural selection, this seething Mormosaur simply cannot comprehend that tenure on the campaign trail means absolutely nothing. Such are the sad limitations of the reptilian brain. There's a reason that no MENSA chapters were open in Mesozoic times. Despite B. romneii's flip-flopping towards (then away from) the far Right, even the most witless of low-information Votersaurs can see through its political camouflage and displacement behavior. None of them are fooled by the folksy plaid shirts, the pre-weathered, oddly fitting jeans, and the utterly disingenuous smiles. They recognize this fossil fraud and turn their backs on him in disgust.
Since our last update, Struthiomimus santorum has emerged as the latest non-Mittosaur to win over the ever-fickle Votersaurs. Buoyed by its new-found popularity, S. santorum has ratched up its sanctimonious vocalizations, and its attacks on females across the land. Under its draconian plan, all females would be chained in breeding caves, raising Duggar-like broods, all decked our in Santorian sweater-vests. Any other form of copulatory behavior would be reported to the Authorities, and perpetrators would face punishments up to and including extinction. This creepy Cretaceous critter is so utterly vile that that taxonomists are considering reclassifying it as an "Ick"thyosaur. The future fossil record will show that the meteorite that spelled the end for our dino-buddies just happened to strike exactly at the spot where S. santorum was preaching his vile gospel. Coincidence? I think not.
After a brief and uncharacteristic period of silence, Stegasaurus newtii has returned, but has never fully recaptured the blusterous heyday when he rode high in the polls. Dependent for his campaign viability on the largesse of uber-wealthy Casinosaur S. Adelson, S. Newtii claims that he will continue his march to the White Cave until S. Adelson runs out of money or until his mate, the Stepfordian Callistasaurus tiffanii, tells him he should find some other more suitable pastime, such as co-authoring her next children's book. Considering S. Newtii's love of history, paleontologist have found it particularly curious that he was oblivious to his own impending extinction. Academics are always the last to know, apparently.
Curious rumblings continue from the cave of the pretty-much-already-fossilized Libertariasaurus paulii. Speculation abounds that this doddering septuagenariasaur has entered into a deal with the devil (AKA B. romneii) to extend their unholy alliance in return for the latter considering the junior paulii notnamedforaynrandii as a running mate on the "Cretaceous cruelty" ticket. Since there are few other reasons for L. paulii to carry on his own campaign, this explanation is as plausible as any of the other incomprehensible things that have occurred in this misbegotten GOPasaur primary debacle.
Aggrieved Votersaurs continue to hope for a brokered convention, with a Messiasaur emerging to lead them to victory over the increasingly confident Obamasaurus Rex. Griftasaurus palinii is still waiting in the wings, tanned and rested. Just sayin...