And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see. And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a trust fund; and a Super PAC was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and yet failed epically.
And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take sex from the earth, and that they should kill homosexuals: and there was given unto him a great sweater vest.
And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a gold coin, and three measures of barley for a gold coin; and see thou abhorest fiat currency.
And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale amphibian: and his name that sat on him was Newt, and Callista followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fortieth part of the GOP electorate, to defraud with DVD, and with books, and with lecture fees, and with phony awards.
And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were voting in the GOP primaries, and in the caucuses which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou withhold sending us a True Conservative candidate?
And pandering statements were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their convention was held, and a True Conservative appeareth thereat.
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great landslide; and the President became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon had no colonies; And the stars of Hollywood contributed to his campaign, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
And the heaven departed as a touch screen when it is pinched by John King; and every state and district were of a deep blue. And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the GOP House leadership, and every GOP Senator, and every Tea Bagger, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth in the Oval Office, and from the wrath of Obama: For the great day of his reelection is come; and who shall be able to stand?