I am, to say the least, an...infrequent diarist here. I've only written two, and I can say that I was fortunate to be heard well on one of them.
Of course, the tenor of the discussion regarding the teaching profession in this country, while it has quieted some, is no less vitriolic in its hatred for unionized teachers, intellectual pursuits, and all things involving education and the expenditure of public dollars thereof.
To an extent, I see myself as part of a dying breed. The pursuit of the arts in education, while never particularly well-cemented even at the best of times, has, until relatively recently, been an acceptable pursuit for most people wishing to further their musical educations through college and have something that most would call a "respectable" profession that allows them to have a stable lifestyle as well as pursue the art that they love.
Unfortunately, a great deal of that has changed in the last several years, and I see any hope for me ever achieving a "respectable" home life dying away with astonishing speed.
Music teachers, in my experience, fall into three polarized camps: the first being those who bring praise, accolades, and accomplishments to their schools, and the second being those who are reviled for everything from not being able to grow the program to disagreements with staff to disagreements with parents.
There is no middle ground between these two.
Those who fall into the former camp succeed spectacularly, even if they are only middling teachers, because they bring objective, hard results that an administration can lift up and crow about. They bring trophies, certificates, awards, and recognition to both the program and its students; things that the students can be proud of, that their parents can brag about, and that the administration can tout as achievements and signs of "excellence"...whatever that is. Political intrigue, backstabbing, and plots become much less effective, to the point of rendering the teacher practically immune to backlash - the teacher has managed to make themselves known as a paragon of educational skill and musical talent, even if their skills do not necessarily back this image up.
In short, it's hard to argue when you have fifteen years of state contest trophies staring you in the face.
Those who fall in to the latter camp may as well wear a scarlet letter of shame. Music is already a "who you know" kind of business, and combining teaching with it makes it even more so. It becomes infinitely more political, more prone to cloak-and-dagger machinations, and those who can successfully ply the dangerous waters of the teachers' lounge will be the ones who manage to survive if they fall into this camp. Finding others to blame for your shortcomings, being quick of tongue and of wit when charges of impropriety, ineptitude, or inefficiency are leveled against you, knowing when to hide in a political fight amongst teachers and when to take up the sword, knowing who to blackmail and when, and surviving in your job by cunning and deviousness, rather than actual skill in your profession.
The third group is the category I fall into: the teachers who did reasonably well at their jobs, did some positive things, made a good impact on their students' lives, and earned a reputation for doing good work but failed to either distance themselves from the political game or fell victim to it before their work could be held up as a shield.
In my case, the timing of this could not have been worse. My job went the way of the dodo in 2005 amid several cuts to positions in the school both of necessity and convenience. That was in Ohio.
I have since spent the last 6 years in Michigan, after obtaining a teaching certificate and fruitlessly attempting to shoehorn myself into the profession repeatedly only to be ignored, rebuffed, or flatly told that I don't fit. On top of this, the national discussion regarding the teaching profession as a whole has deteriorated to the point where some people seem to be painting teachers in the same light that prostitutes are often painted in. And, the final nail in the coffin is that of all the fields I could have selected, my area of expertise, music, is one of the least desirable and one of the most frequently done away with by schools when money gets tight.
Needless to say, I feel like a fool for following my passion.
I continue to work, much as I did when I wrote my original diary back in October about my wishes for something better, trying desperately to keep my head above water on a $23,000/yr hourly job dealing with drunk, rude, abusive people over the phone at a local transportation company. I live in a partially-subsidized apartment that is in a horrible part of town. I get food assistance every month because my income is so low.
It makes me wonder just what someone like Mitt Romney would say regarding my situation. What Rick Santorum would say. What Ron Paul would say. What the Great God of Capitalism, Ronald Reagan would say if he were still alive.
My guess would be "You reap what you sow."
There have been some minor bright spots on the horizon, namely the big band that I operate having been fortunate enough to perform several successful concerts and having been selected as the conductor for a community wind ensemble. And it is my hope that these things eventually mature into something I can claim as worthwhile endeavors. They keep me sane.
But I cannot help but feel that shadow behind me as I sit at my call center job, sometimes feeling just one bad call away from breaking down in tears. I feel beaten, bruised, bloodied, and berated not only by former colleagues and even old mentors for having "failed", but by life in general simply because I said the wrong things at the wrong time or, as the old jazz standard goes, "beeped when I should've bopped".
I am, as of 2/19, 33 years old.
If I sound melodramatic, it's because I'm not well. I know I'm not well. And sometimes, saying something on a random diary on the Internet somewhere is the only way I can get anything off my chest and out into the open where someone, anyone, might possibly hear it.
It's a pathetic cry for help, I know, but it's all I can think of to do.
I've had former professors insinuate to me that I "won't bring anything to the profession." I've tried to keep myself relevant professionally and otherwise, but continually receive reminders that while I might be a fine musician, society views my contributions as largely worthless except for token applause and words of thanks. I've had old classmates tell me of how foolish it was for me to choose music education as a profession, and remind me of the low opinion they have of not only me, but my chosen career path.
If you've managed to make it this far down this post, I laud you for sticking with it this long. I've rambled more than a bit, but I suppose that the overall point is that I see myself and others like me falling into obsolescence rapidly because our society no longer values us. We no longer value the arts, we no longer value education (unless it's a specific kind of education from specific people in specific fields), we no longer admire or respect diversity in race, creed, skills, beliefs, or otherwise; and because of that, we no longer value the people who choose to take up stewardship of those things.
I feel like society considers me largely worthless, and that stigma has basically ruined any chances I might have otherwise had to be successful.
So of course, the question becomes, "now what?"
Should I go further into debt to retrain myself in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe, I can find a job that pays well enough that I can dig myself out and have a hope at a happy future? Should I keep pounding away at my current profession despite the hatred directed towards it by the establishment? Should I throw in the towel and abandon any hope for stability?
I don't know.