From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
We'll return to our blog after this message…
Energy Company Guy (on left side of screen): At Drillerdeep Energy, we're dedicated to bringing you reliable energy every day that you can count on!
Environmentalist (on right side of screen): But what about the environment? Isn’t that important, too?
Energy Company Guy: It sure is! And at Drillerdeep Energy, we care about your environmental concerns, too.
Environmentalist: Sounds great! But…how?
Energy Company Guy: I'm glad you asked! At Drillerdeep, we're committed to convincing you that we're serious about the environment by airing commercials like this one twenty-four hours a day. We search the most extensive image-rental facilities to bring you the finest stock footage of pristine valleys…waterfalls…smiling healthy-looking children playing on swing sets…couples holding hands as they sit in separate bathtubs overlooking the ocean…
Environmentalist: Isn’t that from a Cialis ad?
Energy Company Guy: Great question! Yes it is---but who cares? The point is, by seeing our reassuring stock footage of happy people in beautiful places, you can be confident that Drillerdeep Energy cares about the…um…the uh…
Environmentalist: Environment?
Energy Company Guy: Yeah! That's it! The Environment!
Environmentalist: But is a round-the-clock media blitz of expensive ads really enough to prevent environmental disasters that might be caused by Drillerdeep Energy through corner-cutting, regulation-flouting and outdated safeguards?
Energy Company Guy: Another great question! And the answer is YES! Look over here: I'm now standing in a laboratory. See all the test tubes and people in white lab coats with clipboards nodding their heads and looking serious? See that woman over there swishing around some blue liquid in a beaker? Not dangerous red or orange liquid, mind you, but pretty BLUE liquid! That's the kind of reassuring commitment you can expect from watching our ads thousands of times per month.
Environmentalist: But…
Energy Company Guy: Look over there! Microscopes! Pipettes! Petri dishes! Pocket protectors and ID badges! How can you not be reassured about our commitment to the environment after we paid good money for all those props?
Environmentalist: Gee, I…
Energy Company Guy: Exactly! Plus, I'm wearing a hardhat and safety goggles. And look: this goatee is real, buddy, so you know I'm down-to-earth and believable---the kinda guy you'd like to have a beer with! That's the Drillerdeep pledge to you. Heck, we even sprung for a deep-voiced announcer…
Deep-voiced Announcer: Drillerdeep Energy---when we say we say we care about the environment, we mean it.
Now back to our regularly-scheduled blogging. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Note: To my humble laptop: thank you for the pop-up message informing me that "A jack has been plugged in." Without it, I might've forgotten all about that momentous occasion moments ago when I did, in fact, plug in my headphone jack. So, thank you for being such a good and perceptive friend. As for your other pop-up message: no, you can't have sex with the waffle iron.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London, starring Team USA: 119
Days `til the Centenary Bluesfest in Hackettstown, New Jersey: 9
Number of consecutive months during which consumer confidence has risen: 6
(Source: Reuters/University of Michigan survey)
Rank of Buffalo, Providence and Albany among U.S. cities for most lottery ticket purchases: #1, #2, #3
(Source: USA Today)
Last date on which Saudi Arabia executed a woman for sorcery: 12/12/11
(Source: Harper's Index)
Maine's seafood catch in 2011: 276 million pounds
(Source: Maine Dept. of Marine Resources)
Number of Golden Raspberry Award nominations Sarah Palin received last Saturday: 1 (for playing herself in the documentary The Undefeated)
(Source: Razzies.com)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 5 gogs and 1 excellent question). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: AKC's latest list of the Top 10 Breeds in America is…(SPOILER ALERT!)…furry and cute.
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CHEERS to unexpected Snowe storms. BOMBSHELL! The opportunity Democrats have been salivating over for YEARS is finally here: Senator Olympia Snowe announced yesterday that she's calling it quits. Naturally, this is going to unleash a torrent of mass hysteria as Republicans fight the vapors over losing the "sure-bet" status of that Senate seat, and Democrats drool like mad dogs over the prospect of flipping it. But first things first. For as long as I can remember---and as recently as 8 days ago---C&J has offered the same birthday wish to Senator Snowe: "Retirement." I'm happy to say the wish is fulfilled and now I can move on to the next challenge: Susan Collins…when might ye be celebratin' yer birthday, then, ma'am?
JEERS to a less-than-desirable outcome. [Sigh] Mitt Romney won in Arizona and Michigan last night. In the case of his home state, however, it took a pound or two of his billionaires' ass flesh to pay for the spiked clubs needed to beat off Rick Santorum's billionaires. (If every media outlet in the state isn’t buying their staff pizza today with some of the ad-buy money they raked in, shame on them.) Still, for Romney to merely squeak out a win over a religious extremist who claims Satan is literally roaming America (the blue states, we presume) and John F. Kennedy makes him want to throw up, that's pretty weak. Up next: caucuses in Washington on Saturday and then Gingrich's last stand on Super Tuesday, with contests in GA, ID, AK, TN, ND, VT, OH, OK, MA and VA. My money, as usual, is on Obama.
CHEERS to minor distractions. It's bad (read: good!) enough that Rupert Murdoch's U.S. media empire is now boxed in ideologically by a combination of an improving economy, rising consumer confidence, and really shitty presidential candidates that make even people like Sean Hannity blanch. It's badder still that Media Matters is firing a broadside into Fox's masts with a new book I can't wait to get my hands on. But the news is baddest across the pond, where Murdoch's British media empire continues stinking up the island:
Earlier this week a senior UK Metropolitan police official referred to a "culture of illegal payments" at News [Corp’s] UK flagship masthead The Sun and "a network of corrupted officials." That would have triggered alarm bells at News, which would be acutely conscious of the fact that under US law it is a criminal offence for US companies to make corrupt payments to foreign government officials. The after-shocks of the UK scandal are now threatening the US heart of News.
A news empire is gravely wounded by the truth it tried to bury. Film at 11. But not on Fox.
CHEERS to amazing Leap Year feats. On this date in 1964, Australian swimmer Dawn Fraser set a new world record in the 100m freestyle swimming competition. Her time: 58.9 seconds. The piranhas chasing her: 59.0.
CHEERS to the great surge of aught-twelve. The Dow Industrials reached a meaningless but significant but irrelevant but high-fiveable but tenuous but tingle-in-the-pants-worthy but yawn-inducing but totally awesome milestone yesterday, ripping off its clothes and streaking past 13,000 for the first time since mid-2008, when America's first "CEO President" was turning a blind eye to the Great Recession that was systematically destroying our economy on his watch. Don’t know how long it'll last, but for now: score one for the community organizer.
JEERS to bustin' our bubble. First they took away our lawn darts because of all the "spontaneous piercings." Then they took away our cheap Chinese costume jewelry because of all the "cadmium poisonings." And now the nanny state is coming after our beloved human hamster balls. Something about possible asphyxiation, drowning, impact injuries…blah blah blah senseless human tragedy whatever. Some customers are so despondent they refuse to come out from under their pile of wood shavings. Others are vowing that the government will have to pry their stainless-steel running wheels from their cold dead tiny human hamster paws. And in other news, scientists still have no idea why space aliens never come near this place.
CHEERS to a break in the monotony. This has been a dull winter. Dull and uneventful. Bleh. We're bored. We want a real winter, not this mild, sunny crap you can get anywhere. C'mon, Mother Nature…get serious. We can take it! [Sigh] Anyway, I've just been handed the latest weather forecast for the greater Portland area, and…and…OH MY GOD!!! PANIC, EVERYBODY! PANIC!!! WE ARE SO FUCKED!!! FILL YOUR SHOPPING CARTS WITH WHATEVER YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON OR FACE CERTAIN DEATH!!! OUTTA MY WAY, GRANDMA, THOSE RUTABAGAS ARE MINE!!! With a light breeze. High around 30.
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Four years ago in C&J: February 29, 2008
CHEERS and JEERS to William F. Buckley, Jr. The "Poobah of Conservative Thought" had an interesting ideological arc over his lifetime. He started out as an advocate of Joe McCarthy and promoted segregation in his magazine, Popular Mechanics. [Note to self: fact-check that. Might be Good Housekeeping.] And calling for the tattooing of AIDS patients was hideously cruel. But as the years unfolded he seemed to mellow with age while his own party became more and more unhinged. In the end, they didn’t really know what to make of him. Mainly because they didn't know the meaning of half the words he used. Buckley, Jr. was 82. Many of his ideas were 750.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a rare day. February 29th comes but every fourscore minus threescore and sixteen years years. So, in honor of the day---and also because their rates are REALLY cheap right now---I've hired the Ten Lords A Leaping to put on a little show. This is Act I:
BOING! Wheee!!! BOING! Wheee!!! BOING!
Wheee!!! BOING! Wheee!!! BOING!!! BOING!!!
BOING! Wheee!!! BOING! Wheee!!! BOING!!!
BOING! Wheee!!! BOING! Wheee!!!
Join us for the thrilling conclusion in 2016!
Have an excellent Wednesday. See ya next month! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"What kind of country do we live in where only kiddie poolers can come in the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up."
---Rick Santorum
2/26/12
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