Hey guys, today I have another satire in store for you all. Hope you enjoy it, please comment on your thoughts and on constructive criticism. I tried going for a Colbert like angle and I'm not sure if it worked.
Hello Nation and welcome to the Bat Sh!t Crazy Show. Today we will talking about Mitt Romney, a wonderful human being. Mitt Romney is the best choice we have in 2012, but before you laugh, hear me out, Mitt Romney is an excellent businessman, a man of conviction and consistency, a man of honor and value. However, the liberal media wishes to tarnish the reputation of this great man of conservatism by attacking Mitt as a snobbish one percenter, job destroyer who flip flops on every political issue. But this smear campaign will work to Romney’s advantage. In reality, his flip flopping indicates how consistent of a politician he is and in reality his record at Bain Capital will prove how Romney is a true American capitalist who destroys the evil leeches of the unions. Mitt Romney is the right person for the job; he will punish the evil and lazy people who sit on welfare, he will destroy the evil union leeches, he will balance the budget, and he will fix the economy and restore the United States as the supreme police force of the world.
Mitt Romney’s job destroying record at Bain Capital is one of the best out of all the private equity firms. Bain Capital bought up enough shares in a company to gain control of it, forced the company into large amounts of debts and paid out a large dividend to itself, earning Bain Capital a very nice profit. After the dividend scheme, Bain Capital sold the company before its share price collapsed and the company goes bankrupt because it has a huge debt. During bankruptcy many workers of the company lose their jobs but this is good because most of the workers are Anti-American union workers who wish to turn this nation into the Union of Socialist Liberals Who Hate America (USLWHA). The union workers fight because they wish to establish a working class dictatorship that forces women to have abortions, destroys the free market system, takes away our God given constitutional rights and forces us into homosexual marriages. Romney did the right thing by destroying these jobs, he is just destroying Communism before it becomes Communism, he is a great American who is tough on Communism, similar to the great Saint Reagan who destroyed the godless damned commies back in the year of our lord, 1988.
Anybody who dares attacks the work Romney did at Bain Capital is attacking capitalism and success, because destroying jobs and companies is what capitalism is all about. Capitalism is all about screwing the evil unions and transferring wealth to the “job creator” upper class. Since 1776 this wonderful form of capitalism is what made America what it is today, “the shining city on the hill.” Anybody who has a problem with Bain Capital should just get out of here; they should move to Kenya, Cuba or China and completely stay away from America. As the media and Newt Gingrich are engaging in these attacks on capitalism, Karl Marx is playing card games in hell with Stalin and FDR while smiling at how the media is engaging in class warfare.
Mitt Romney is one of the most principled politicians I have ever encountered, he is consistent in all his views, despite being on both sides of every political issue imaginable. His flip flopping indicates that he is not a pandering politician, but a sincere and consistent man who truly believes what he preaches. It may be difficult to call a flip flopper a consistent person but Mitt Romney is an exception, he doesn’t “pander” to voters but instead does and says things that voters like to see and hear. For instance, while running in Massachusetts in the 1994 Senate race Mitt Romney was absolutely pro choice “I believe that abortion should be safe and legal in this country.” But when he traveled to Utah, he refused to take a stance on abortion and when he returned to Massachusetts to run for Governor he once again was absolutely pro choice “I will preserve and protect a woman’s right to choose, and I am devoted and dedicated to honoring my word in that regard.” Once Mitt Romney began running for President in early 2007, he morphed from a pro abortion guy into a pro lifer. It is very touching to see how Mitt cares about the voters: in Massachusetts he listened to the vastly pro choice electorate and in Utah during the Republican primaries, he listened to the vastly pro life electorate. Instead of making up his mind about abortion and feeding his own ambition, Romney decided to let the electorate dictate his views about abortion. It is very rare that you will meet a politician that cares so much about the voters, you will never see Barack Obama flip flop to cater to the voters! America needs a guy who will flip flop to every concern of the electorate. Stay tuned for a special message from Mitt Romney after the commercial break. “For Pete’s sake I’m running for President, I can’t pander to voters.” Good night Nation, see you tomorrow, don’t forget to stay tuned in to the Bat Sh!t Crazy Show!