I don't claim to know how we can end racism. I don't have any special insight into what those who suffer at its hands feel. What I do know is how we react, and we react badly. When I say we, I mean just about everyone who talks about race.
Think back to the last time you had a conversation about racism. How did it make you feel?
One thing most rational people can admit, it is not a subject we like to talk about. Even those that think they have a handle on it for themselves have difficulty talking about the subject. It usually degenerates into a food fight or worse. Some people feel the need to empathize but it may be dismissed by the other side. Others, those who have experience with it's real effects, get angry and often believe that the other side is not listening. Then there are those that will find some way to nullify the speaker by attacking their credibility on the subject. Of course there are the worst among us, those who try to turn it around and and totally discredit the argument. Fortunately, on these pages, those types are few and far between.
I will tell you why it is so hard to talk about racism, racial bias and white privilege. It is no secret but many won't even talk about this one truth.
The number one reason why it is so hard to talk about is...
IT IS FREAKIN' UNCOMFORTABLE.
Now how many of you enjoy talking about things that make you uncomfortable? Thought so, pretty much no one.
Why is it so uncomfortable? Well, I can't tell you specifically why it is uncomfortable for you, but I can tell you why it is uncomfortable for me. When I talk about racism or white privilege I get uncomfortable for a couple of reasons. Number one? I feel guilty. Yes, you heard it right, I feel guilty because I did not consciously realize until recently that I was a benefactor of white privilege. You would think I would be empathetic to a certain degree since I am a woman and we still are subjected to many of the indignities that we have fought to end for so many years. We are told we are 'equal' when we know better. Whenever we speak out, we find out fast who wants us to shut up and sit down. We hear the subtle smears and think to ourselves, well some things changed, but others are exactly the same, we are not equal.
I thought I was empathetic as I walked confidently through life and thought about how it was horrible that a segment of our population was still subjected to some racism, but it was from only 'some' people who 'didn't know any better.' I read "Black Like Me" when I was younger and vowed I would never be like those who did not see a person behind the color. I teared up every time I heard the speech on the Washington Monument by Martin Luther King. I flinched visibly whenever I witnessed real racism in practice and ranted on about the clueless and willfully ignorant. But I didn't realize that I "didn't know any better" either.
Then one day several years ago I read an eye opening listing of all the privileges I enjoyed as a white person and I felt bad. I felt uncomfortable. Well, to tell you the truth I felt like shit. Hell, I felt guilty. How could I not know that I was sailing through life without worrying about things that others couldn't take for granted. And deep, deep down, I felt threatened. I hadn't asked for it, I couldn't stop it and I couldn't give it to anyone who was not white like me. I was going to be on the wrong side for the rest of my life and there was nothing I could do to make that right. In any conversation about race with a black person, I will already have one strike against me. Oh yeah, I had a lot of guilt to contend with. Okay, confession time, I STILL have a lot of guilt to contend with. I try not to let that cloud my understanding. Recognizing it was the first step.
One of my first arguments on this site, before I learned I was part of the problem, was with someone who claimed they didn't know that watermelons were a racial slur. "How could they not know that!" I was indignant that someone who was supposed to be 'liberal' or 'progressive' didn't know that. The fight in the comments went on for a couple days and I simmered. I thought to myself, "Well at least I am more informed..." Looking back and thinking about it now, I was working through my own baggage by attacking them. It was the only way I could feel better about myself. How sad, racism in a nutshell. We seek to build up ourselves by tearing others down. It goes on every day, in so many ways. But I digress.
So this brings me to a second truth that makes it hard to talk about racial bias, racism and white privilege.
WE ALL FEEL THREATENED.
Now I can't write this from the perspective of a black person but I am guessing that they would agree with my first two truths, even though they came to them from a totally different place. I am pretty sure they don't feel guilty, but I bet they feel like shit and would easily pinpoint that feeling threatened is way up on top of the list. They feel this way because whenever they try to point out that maybe things haven't changed as much as we like to think they have, they get an earful. People are quick to jump on this and it gets quickly shut down because they feel threatened. We think we know who those people are that try to shut the conversation down, but we do it too, in more subtle ways. But do you wonder why you and I would feel threatened too? What exactly is threatening to us? Well first off, even talking about it means there is a problem. If we recognize there is a problem, then that means we have responsibility for it. It's a bitch isn't it?
Denying that I have responsibility is easy, accepting personal responsibility to change things is hard. What is the first thing that happens when someone is asked if they are responsible for a problem, any problem? The eyes start shifting around looking for someone, or something to blame. You know I'm right. Be honest with yourself. You do it too. There are many ways to shift the blame and some are more skilled than others. The commenter on Fox News website who mindlessly spews hatred is the easy one to spot. What's harder is to spot the more nuanced blame shifter. It's the one who would agree with you but, "You really aren't qualified to speak the truth on this subject." Or they are the one that says they have more street cred on the subject because... (fill in the blank). Blame shifters are really good at calling out other people for what they haven't done to fix the problem to divert attention from the fact that they have done little or nothing to change themselves. The reverse to that is someone who has done a lot of soul searching, made many changes to their way of thinking, could win a prize for how much they have done to change themselves, but stopped there. That is the ultimate blame shifting. The "I fixed myself, so therefore I am done, that makes it everyone else's problem now..." blame shifter is perhaps the worst. Nuh-Uh, doesn't work that way in the rest of life, so why should that work here? A problem will never be solved solo, it will take the whole community to solve, which is why discussing it is so important.
I am sure those from the black community could read us chapter and verse on how they feel threatened. But no, whenever racism is discussed it is our emotional baggage that becomes top priority. It becomes so important that we make the discussion, or argument all about us. Do you think anyone who has experienced racial bias, blatant racism, or downright hate cares how WE feel? Again, listening to how they feel makes US feel uncomfortable. Recounting how we feel makes US feel good. By recounting how we feel, we can point and say, see, I fixed the problem, done! Not so fast. We don't really want to admit to the whole ugly problem because it would mean we have to take responsibility for our own contribution to it. Yes, you heard me, we are as much a part of the problem as anyone. So recognizing that we try to insert our own emotions into the subject, which is normal by the way, will help us to stop doing it and listen. True empathy is to feel someone else's pain in their shoes, not our own. But empathy does not absolve us of responsibility. It does however get us to listen.
Well I may have lost a few at this point, but if you are still with me, then here is another truth.
So you are trying to have a rational discussion on the subject of racism and white privilege and you plan for everything to be 'above the fray' so that it can be examined rationally. What you soon find is that it degenerates into the same old food fight with both sides shutting down and nothing seems resolved. You think to yourself; why do they have to keep talking about what it is? Can't we move on? I did my rant on injustice, I tried the empathy thing by talking about my own experience (which isn't empathy, but I already told you what empathy really is), or I tried to make them understand how I feel, but they are just not listening. They keep hammering their point trying to get me to listen to their side, "I already know what their side is, dammit!" Stop. What do you mean you already know what the problem is? Do you really? Did you actually listen? Guess what, this is a a good example of our next truth.
So think back, what happened the last time you felt uncomfortable, threatened and emotional? Thought so...
WE GET DEFENSIVE.
Being defensive is the norm for almost any discussion of racism or white privilege and it happens on both sides, whoever gets there first is the only unknown going in. There is the really obvious defense that we sneer at often on this site. Those who either dismiss there is a problem at all, or those that try to turn it around on you. The old blame the victim defense. Or the outright "Nothing to see here, move along" defense. Now before you get too self satisfied that this is not you, stop and think about it. There are subtle forms of this defensiveness that can go undetected for most, but those who have been on the wrong end of the racial bias, and outright racism can see through it in a flash and won't buy what you're selling. Is telling that story about how YOU did something to combat racism help the person you are trying to connect with feel better? Or is it just to make you feel better? That would be your subtle form of defensiveness. Or how about those who point out the things we have done as a society so far to combat the problem? Are they practicing a form of defensiveness? You betcha. By pointing to advances from the past they are saying, "See, we're done here, I am no longer responsible." Quite often this recounting is couched in terms of personal involvement. Sure, they may spout platitudes about what more needs to be done, but the language changes. You know, that old royal 'we' instead of using the personal qualifier means everyone will work on fixing racism and bias, once EVERYONE ELSE gets started. A third form of subtle defensiveness is where we try hard to make them think we identify with the person who is telling us what it is like. But we don't really engage. We repeat back how awful that is, or we get angry at those who were at fault, but we don't apply it to our own assumptions. We offer platitudes that are designed to shut the other person down. Okay, we had our 15 minutes to talk about the problem, it should be fixed now right?
There are even more subtle ways to be on the defensive by blaming the victim without really blaming the victim. I see it all the time. The Reverend Al engenders a wide range of reactions from people on both sides of this issue. I saw a few comments the other day that were derogatory towards him. This is a form of defensiveness. The blatant kind comes from the known haters. But the 'our' side is almost as bad, just more sneaky about it. They may point out how "It sure seems funny how the Reverend Al always needs to be at the front of the march." The implication here is that he has no right to speak on racism because he is really just a "carpetbagger" trying to get attention. Or another subtle form is when someone calls out a black person for discussing white privilege as if they have no authority on the subject, because, well you know, they aren't white. See what I did there? Feeling uncomfortable now?
Just so...
Now I could go on and describe for you how to prevent defensiveness from happening, but believe me, it takes practice and though I have had some success at it from time to time in discussions that didn't involve racism, I am far from perfect. What I can tell you is that realizing that this is what you are feeling is the very first step. Once you can identify why you are reacting the way you are, you can then be more rational. You can work to identify the cues that set you off. You can examine your feelings and maybe learn a new way to deal with them going forward. It may not prevent you from reacting emotionally and defensively the next time, but it is one way to at least move forward.
Now think about how loaded the whole subject of racism, racial bias and white privilege is. Set that aside. Go ahead. Vow to sit still and listen. Take yourself completely out of the situation. Don't offer your own experiences or opinions. Open yourself up to another person who is telling you what it is like and find out what it is they need. It may challenge your prior assumptions. Geraldo Rivera made a comment yesterday that he immediately was slapped for but you have to know he was working off an assumption. He didn't realize it which is where the problem started. Listening without giving in to the temptation to validate yourself can go a long way. If Geraldo had listened to his son, who scolded his father later in the day for his false assumption that a hoodie was part of the problem, Geraldo may have been able to say something more thoughtful. (Well yeah, I confess, I am an eternal optimist... It could happen) You see Geraldo had to validate himself first before he was able to empathize with Trayvon. So sad.
A lot has been written about that hoodie. We have used it defensively to symbolize what it is that Zimmerman saw that led to his assumptions. "See there! That guy is practicing racial profiling." How did you first react when you heard the story of Trayvon? Be honest. The first picture I saw of him, before I really even read through the article, was in the red Hollister t-shirt. Exactly the same shirt my white, 17 year old son wears. How do you think that affected my assumptions? Ask yourself what your first assumptions were. You might be surprised.
Once you are able to listen a whole new avenue opens up. You find that maybe what you thought you knew was wrong. Maybe you thought the problem was this, but it was really that. You may find that what is needed is not what you thought at all, but something so different and mind blowing that maybe it is not so threatening after all. So go ahead, just listen. And when they are done ask them; "What can I do to help?" Trust me, it can work. What is it that they really want from you? Do they just want your understanding? For many, this is enough, because with understanding comes some change. Some may expect you to be outraged for them and have you go forth into battle to end it once and for all. Ask them how. They might surprise you, but at least the conversation has been started. Some may just want you to recognize that there is a problem. They just want someone to say, "I believe you." Because in all of our pontificating and ranting on the subject, have we ever stopped to say "You are right and I want to help." This is huge in its own way. We will never solve the problem if we never recognize that it is there. In the end, you may find something that you didn't expect. A real understanding and maybe finally a conversation.