April 1, 2012 (Combined News Services)
The White House announced today that Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been taken via military escort to an undisclosed location following a private talk with President Barack Obama early this morning.
Cheney arrived at the White House at 3:30 AM, after receiving his physician's permission to leave the hospital to meet with Obama. Under condition of anonymity, his physician said Cheney had been awakening the past three nights screaming and in cold sweats from horrific and terrifying nightmares, and that he had informed the doctor he had experienced "a chance of heart" immediately after awakening from transplant surgery. Cheney demanded he be transported immediately to the White House to discuss a matter of unprecedented national security.
Informed sources at the White House confirmed that the President was awakened by staff for a 3 AM phone call requesting an immediate meeting with Cheney. Mrs. Obama, who was awake at the time, doggedly working on her expose on the secret sexual proclivities of women associated with the American Heritage Foundation, encouraged her husband to "Buck up, brush your teeth and take Bo out for a pee" before hitting the Oval. Obama reportedly showed up a few minutes late in an navy side pleated Hart Schaffner Marx suit with a pink fish silk Salvatore Ferragamo tie, a grey twill linen Brooks Brother shirt and size 12 1/2 Geox black leather Wingtips.
Sasha, who like her mother also has unusual sleeping patterns, had just returned from a personal physics instructions and polo vault with Treasury Secretary Stephen Chu; the two landed just in front of Cheney's entourage as it arrived at the South Gate.
The President met Cheney, who was rolled in on a gurney in pink Dr. Dentons with a hoody, at 3:30 AM and, according to leaked reports, Cheney sobbed as he admitted that both the 2000 and 2004 elections had been stolen; that the US had actually experienced a coup d'etat, and that he was proposing that all legislation and appointments passed during the eight years of the faux-Bush presidency be overturned. (See Bush v Gore)
This includes the Patriot Act. The Bush Tax Cuts. All executive signing statements. All appointments to the SCOTUS by Bush, which includes both Chief Justice John Roberts and Samuel Alito. (This decision leaves two vacancies in the Court, thereby rendering 'Kaput' all rulings of the court, including the highly controversial Citizen's United.
Additionally, deliberations on the Administration's Affordable Health Care program have been suspended, as not only does the court now lack a quorum, but the entire legislative procedure of the landmark legislation is now under question as investigations into all Republican seats in both the House and the Senate are being instituted.
Single Payer is now emerging as the most likely movement forward to address the nation's disastrous health care situation.
Sources in the room said the President eyed Cheney dispassionately as he sipped a Matol Km shake from a 16 oz. Bulgarian Avitra Crystal Jester Elite Drinking Glass he recently received from a Valentine's Day grab bag assembled by Russia's wanna be cosmonaut Vladimir Putin.
"This is without doubt unparallelled in the history of the United States," a source close to the President said. "I would have loved to have been une petite souris at the 5 o'clock basketball game this morning. Obama must've had game."
Cheney, handcuffed and shackled, was taken into custody at 4 PM, and is expected to plea guilty to charges of treason. It is uncertain at this time as to whether he will be tried under new laws under which internal 'terrorists' are not considered to be protected by Constitutional guarantees to a trial by jury.
DOHS announced that special Ops teams (including members of New York's third term Mayor Mike Bloomberg's private army) (accompanied by hastily reassembled Zucotti Park occupiers) have surrounded Wall Street and have already taken into custody nearly 2000 CEOs as they disembarked from their uber-posh Natuzzi-leather embossed Bell 206B JetRanger helicopters on the roofs atop their office buildings.
The Mayor is consulting with Donald Trump.
Troops were sent to the Dallas residence of former President George Bush, the White House source revealed, and to the homes of Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, Jeb Bush, Donald Rumsfield, Condelessa Rice, Henry Paulson. Alberto Gonzoles and others, including all those who worked on both Bush election campaigns or had any dealing with the administration. (Roger Stone was reported en route to Paraguay.)
The President is expected to address the nation later today, announcing plans to use the funds absconded by the Bush Administration as seed money for much needed infrastructure projects, the crumbling public education system, to lay the groundwork for determinations on monies owed to Iraq and Afghanistan (and other undisclosed nations) sufficient to ensure each country receives all the resources they need to rebuild after unsolicited US occupations.
Additionally, the President is expected to call for the immediate repeal of the Telecommunications Act, to instruct the Attorney General to investigate Fox News and to institute via Executive Order a mandate to dissolve all media monopolies and re-institute the Glass-Steagall Act. He will also free Tim Christopher and Bradley Manning, declare all spying on American Citizens illegal, order all institutions involved in student loans and mortgages on homes and businesses to face criminal prosecution for deceptive practices. And order all Americans who lost their homes be reissued keys to their homes, one year free groceries, monetary compensations, one year without mortgages, free solar paneling and glitch-free Chevy Volts.
Construction on the Keystone Pipeline will be off the table. All licenses for Off-Shore drilling and fracking will be revoked. Any future oil extraction will be declared ecocide.
According to unconfirmed reports, Dick Cheney requested the issuance of a new official birth certificate recognizing him as a true American citizen, in recognition of his new heart. The First Lady, already at work in the garden at 6, is said to be deeply moved by the morning's events and has cancelled her events for the day to work on her book and spend some special one-on-one time reading through back issues of "Real Simple" with her mother in the family quarters. The two of them of them hope to make an unexpected on-the-sly visit later in the day to Trader Joe's to take advantage of today's special on “Chocolate Chip Cookie Crust with Molten Chocolate Magma.”
Both of the Obama daughters are spending the day on the Swing Set, teaching the Secretary of State how to "Skin the Cat." Bo, reportedly skunked early this morning, is at the groomers.
Roger Ailes reportedly fled the country on a 4:13 flight to Yemen.
Former Vice President Al Gore, reached at his home in Southern California, said he is currently too involved in his work re-inventing the internet and creating false eviidence on global warming to discuss the case and that, in his opinion, the presidency is now in fine hands.
"I have never discussed the facts of the 2000 election and I don't intent to do so now," Gore said. "President Obama is without doubt more aware than anyone that we are in unchartered territory. And, as far as I am concerned, the President has exhibited an unprecedented ability to tackle conditions which at times have bordered on sheer lunacy, so dealing with a fake Vice President and eight years that actually didn't happen aren't likely to ruffle him. What is it they say about the President? He plays 20th dimensional Uno?
Gore said that while he is thrilled to see that Mr. Cheney has gone through a transformation, "it is truly tragic that it came at the price of yet another life. But then politics most assuredly is NOT a love story and so just saying you are sorry doesn't fit the metrics."
Senator John Kerry, interrupted during a pre-dawn wind sailing excursion along the Potomac, said he would rather not comment on the matter as he was still obsessively flip flopping over whether or not George W. Bush actually had an electronic coaching device concealed underneath his shirt during one of their debates during the 2004 eletction cycle.
"Dick Cheney is getting a second chance at life and not many people in America get that opportunity," he said.
Heading back onto the water, Kerry called over his shoulder "It just goes to show. You gotta have heart."