NOM declared "Victory" at 25,000 signatures. The "Thank you Starbucks" petition
is outpacing it more than 25-fold, now passing 637,000 signers.
REDMOND, WA--Longtime marketplace rivals Microsoft and Apple Corporations came together to hold a joint press conference today to demand that National Organization for Marriage commence boycotting them both effective immediately.
A spokesperson for Microsoft said, "Amidst all the "Dump Starbucks" mania it appears many have lost sight of the fact that Microsoft Corporation--just like Starbucks--stood proudly with Washington United for Marriage to support equal treatment for all loving couples in Washington state."
"On January 19, we posted our support for SB 6239 and HB 2516 marriage equality bills on our official website. We said, 'Marriage Equality in Washington State Would Be Good for Business.' We explained the bill's passage would put Washington employers on an equal footing with employers in the six other states that already recognize the committed relationships of same-sex couples - Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York and Vermont. This in turn will help companies continue to compete for top talent."
"We reminded everyone in 1993, Microsoft became the first Fortune 500 company to provide same-sex domestic partnership benefits." Two hundred and eighty-nine Fortune 500 companies have since followed Microsoft's lead.
"So what gives? National Organization for Marriage singles out Starbucks, and those yuppie bean heads get all the attention? We have to read in the Seattle Stranger how 'There has been an incredible Facebook campaign of photos of people drinking coffee at Starbucks?' Where are all the photos of happy people tapping away on Windows machines knowing they too are supporting equality for all?"
Apple spokesman said, "Though Apple's stock is doing very well, we still are a little envious that Starbuck's stock shot up a $1.41 the day after the announcement of the National Organization for Marriage's boycott, and it continues to rise. We all appreciate a stock bump." Starbucks closed at $53.73 the day before the NOM boycott was announced. It closed at $56.67 on Monday.
"What does Apple have to do to get our own thank you card? It isn't fair. Apple has a long history of standing up for marriage equality. Don't forget our first logo had a rainbow in it too! Now, we're reading in the news reports how Starbuck's customers like David Thompson of Pennsylvania are saying things like, 'It makes me more inclined to buy here, in spite of their high prices.' We want in on that action too, we deserve it."
The Apple spokesman added, "People should remember why they need the free wifi in Starbucks: for Grindr! And without Apple, Grindr would be nothing. Even our CEO is gay! Just how gay does Apple have to be before the NOMbies fire up their anti-gay hate cannons and aim them at us? Bring it on, already!"
The group has a website, a Facebook page and other social media presence. It isn't clear how the organization would continue to maintain a digital presence should their "sacred values" compel them to commence boycotting both Apple and Microsoft products. NOM is rumored to have explored the possibility of returning to painting on cave walls and sending smoke signals to communicate with their supporters.
Reports are also surfacing that Google, Nike, American Apparel, Concur, Group Health, RealNetworks, Vulcan Inc. and Alcoa are considering joining the growing coalition of companies who are asking they, too, be included in National Organization for Marriage's holy boycott campaign. In 2010, Google began compensating their coupled LGBT employees for the added tax burden the Defense of Marriage Act creates.
An insider with Google did not wish to be named but said, "We built our company on a philosophy of equality for all, and frankly, we find it offensive and shameful that National Organization for Marriage is practicing what is a discriminatory boycott. Singling out Starbucks for attack unfairly discriminates against so many other good, marriage equality supportive companies—like us. NOM should end the discrimination, or we may consider taking action."
Attorneys with Lambda Legal said "While there is no existing legal precedent for suing an organization and compelling them to boycott you, our organization has a proud history of breaking new legal ground, and we are happy to consult on how we can address this group's discriminatory policy."
Maggie Gallagher and Brian Brown of National Organization for Marriage were far too busy plotting their next shameful, divisive, nefarious, race-baiting attack to make themselves available for comment for this report.
Please note: this post is satire, and cross-posted at Huffington Post Comedy and Gay Voices blog. All quotes are fabricated, none of these spokes people ever said any of this stuff, especially Microsoft and Apple.