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       Brontosaurus Charles Knight Mural

Protestations from Struthiomimus Santorum notwithstanding, last night's primary results from Wisconsin, Maryland, and the District of Cretaceousness suggest that, like it or not, the uber-tedious Brontosaurus Romneii may indeed be the de facto GOPasaur nominee.

Low voter turnout suggests that GOPasaurs in general face long odds, as their roster of contenders offers little in the way of inspiration. Brontosaurus romneii has expended millions, or maybe billions - who knows - in his slow slog towards inevitability.

His inability to relate not only to the voters but to lifeforms of any sort would have relegated anyone else to the fossil record long ago. Indeed, his mate Equusaurus romneii has managed to further erode B. romneii's human street cred with her unhelpful pronouncements on the challenges of life in the 1% of the 1%. Still, in these days of saurian SuperPACs and unlimited funding, we will indeed have B. romneii to kick around for quite a while longer.

Follow along below the coprolite for more...

S. santorum, despite a sub-lackluster performance in yesterday's primaries, vows to carry on to the Pennsylvanian coal fields from which he was spawned. A loss there would signal to any sentient being that it was truly "over", but S. santorum is undaunted by reality. Indeed, feeling that he has little to lose, we can expect this sanctimonious saurid to continue attacking B. romneii and bedeviling the rest of us with his paranoid ranting until the Grim Reaper of Extinction has to haul him off the stage and cart him away to the Tar Pits of Doom.

Speaking of creatures oblivious to their destiny, Stegasaurus Newtii managed to score a few dozen votes yesterday, primarily from mischief makers eager to make their vote "count". Rumor has it that B. Romneii and S. newtii have been meeting regularly in secret, perhaps to ensure that S. newtii remains in the race long enough to ensure the demise of S. santorum. Alternatively, it's possible that B. Romneii is taking lessons in How To Be More Human from the all-too-flawed Newt.

Rounding out the field, the increasingly reclusive Libertariasaurus paulii, despite suspicions of his extinction, plods along, siphoning away a few votes here and there. His continued participation in these Fossil Follies is believed to be a ploy to ensure the inevitability of his son, Notnamedforaynrand paulii, to a vice presidential slot.

Current speculation, however, points to another contender for that coveted role: Velociraptor ryanii. This diminuitive, beady-eyed creature has carved out an unusual niche in the Cretaceous ecosystem: scavenger of the living. Seeking to curry favor with the GOPasaur establishment, this cold-blooded and cold-hearted assassin seeks to deprive the old, the young, the poor, the middle class, the unemployed, the homeless, well... everybody, pretty much, of food, shelter, and dignity. Only the very wealthy are spared his Pen of Death.

Paleo-pundits speculate that a V. ryanii and B. romneii "soul-less" saurian ticket would be a powerful force for evil, since neither of them has an ounce of humanity and either would sell out their constituents (or their own previous positions) in a heartbeat... if they only had a heart.

Obamasaurus Rex has already gone on offense, attacking the romneii/ryanii budget as the Path to Extinction for the American Way of Life. Those who underestimate this intelligent and impassioned campaigner do so at their peril.

Finally, at the other end of the intellectual spectrum, one-time GOPasaur contender Griftasaurus palinii was featured as a guest host on NBC's "Today" show, although she would have been more comfortable in a "yesterday" diorama. There's certainly no "tomorrow" diorama for her...

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Wed Apr 04, 2012 at 06:19 AM PDT.

Also republished by Hydrant.


Rick Santorum will finally get out of the race when

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