In an effort to help clarify the labeling of food products for consumers, the Leafy Plant Refiners Association (LPRA) petitioned the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to require the use of “leafy plant sugar” as an alternative name for cocaine.
“Consumers need to understand that this plant has many uses,” said LPRA president Stuart Pidhick. “It was used for many years to enhance flavors in foods and beverages. Plus, it was used to treat addictions to worse drugs...err…I mean sugars.”
A continuing series of inexact scientific reports and inaccurate media accounts about leafy plant sugar have implied that this is an attempt by cartels to legitimize a dangerous substance.
“As Americans grapple with a so-called ‘drug epidemic,’ well-renowned doctors who will remain anonymous question whether sugar derived from a leafy plant that occurs in nature could ever hurt a human being,” said Pidhick. “This plant is natural. Nothing that naturally comes from nature can hurt you, except arsenic, and tornados, and hemlock, and stuff.”
“Now, where can I cash this giant stack of pesos?” said Pidhick.