Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 8-9 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.
I enjoy trying to use different words to characterize events, at times, just for my own amusement. Over the years I have just accepted that it is just a part of who I am and if in the end I can create mirth and amusement for others, so much the better.
I have stage II Non-small cell lung cancer (AKA NSCLC in the lung cancer world). I received this diagnosis on April 5, 2012. Eleven days later, on Monday April 16th, I received my first dosing of chemotherapy (day 1). My treatment plan is pretty aggressive I am to receive 3 cycles, 21 days apart. Then we are going to do another PET Scan and see what remains. The goal of this treatment plan is to cure. The chemicals I have been prescribed are Cisplatin in combination with Gemzar. On day 8 of each cycle I receive a 2nd dosing of Gemzar by itself. Then wait and heal until day 21 where we begin my 2nd cycle on May 7th. The last cycle is scheduled to begin on Tuesday May 29. Many of you know much more intimately than I, exactly what the significance of finally getting this first cycle underway means. For others you, it is a very distant vague (I hope it is a vague memory at least) memory.
For me I have always had this weird child-like fascination with what is happening around me and to me and that fascination heavily influences me even today.
the fun stuff is after our artistic squiggly thingie!
"what is that sensation"..... "wow that feels weird"..... "what was that?" .... "is it significant????"...... "hmmmmm never felt that before".... "why is that happening".....
"is this going to turn into my first bout of chemo nausea?" ... "why am I so much more sensitive to calorie intact?" """hmmmmm thats interesting, my digestive system seems to process food more slowly I wonder why that is?"
So I have decided that I am marinating. Not like any old piece of meat mind you, nope, not me, no way Jose`, I am very much not just any old piece of meat.
For me?
I am THE BEST cut of Tri-Tip (a west coast marketing term I don't remember the actual term for the meat cut sorry) EVER. though unlike Tri-Tip that is marinating. What circulates inside me is definitely not going to make me more tasty to my tumor. Actually I know that I will be less tasty as far as these aberrant squamous cells are concerned that are trying to eat my left lung from the inside out [in my mind ALL forms of cancer are evil and vile and yeah i am still adjusting to cancer being present in my life; No one deserves this disease].
Obviously, I am still trying to wrap my head around what this all means to me. I recognize that having cancer is a process not a singular event. It is an adventure and a journey. So far I do know this much. I LOVE drinking water these days and I am drinking lots of it every day. I know that for me at this stage of treatment drinking water protects my kidneys' so I LOVE WATER because I love having all my organs functioning well. To succeed this is how it MUST be; all the organs are in this fight for life and living.
So since this chapter of my personal journey is anchored in the singular event we all identify as the first cycle of chemotherapy I decided on the title Marinating.
I ramble at times my apologies if it offends.
Warning tangential thought inserted here
Writing long prose is not something I get to do very frequently in my professional world. I spend much of my work day writing quick exact responses to email queries for information or actions that need taking or to not to take. Brief missives almost exclusively. "do this, don't do that... I can get back to you in Friday of next week" stuff like that. So to be able to complete a full thought in all its depth and nuance is a luxury I can rarely indulge in and I am finding that I want to do more of it now than I have been able to much of my adult life until now.
Or as the comedian Lewis Black said in his Show Comedy Special Red, White and Screwed: " I have thoughts......" Lewis Black
End of that tangential thought
As a child I was that lil boy who would play for hours chasing butterflies in the backyard, or watching ants do their work. Nature and the wonder of life has always been my attention magnet. ALWAYS. I was the kid in right field in little league who was distracted by the butterfly landing on a dandelion ( I actually was once) instead of catch one of only 2 balls hit out to me all season. The other ball that was hit my way? I missed the catch and it hit me in the eye ....thwack. Don't worry my attention improved with age as did my hand eye coordination but wow those first 9 years of life were "challenging" to say the least.
Today when I lead tailgate safety sessions in the field for the work crews I am responsible for, I still get distracted by what nature provides. My crews live in the city, born in the city, rarely get out of the urban environment on their own unless it is because of the work that their mean boss has them do (don't tell anyone but I am THAT boss shhhhh).
During some of those safety sessions there might be a "teachable moment" to share with the work crews that sometimes occurs. It happens once in a while when animals travel by or something unusual happens near the work site. One time when we were discussing the safe way to operate a chainsaw, I saw a turkey vulture approaching close-by overhead it was going to fly right over the crew; I paused for a moment and just said "listen quietly for a moment.. .tell me what you hear" then as the bird passed by (between 5-15 feet above us) there was that one moment in time we could actually hear the wind passing over and under that birds wings. Just a brief moment in time but still, worth sharing and exploring. " WOW did you hear that?"
Amazing!
Or the time in the middle of a on-ramp off-ramp complex in Highway 50 in Sacramento we saw a Cooper's Hawk roosting in a oak tree in the middle of the on-ramp landscape circle. Close enough we could see all the colors of is breast feathers. In the middle of a dang freeway. Amazing!
a parable inside a larger parable?
On Thursday (April 19th) while participating in a 2 hour project planning meeting with 7 other senior staff, I could not help but to be distracted and bemused by 2 Greater Goldfinches goofing around just outside the window right behind the manager for another office. It took all my concentration not to just keep my mind outdoors and turn the channel away from this planning discussion and just focus on the antics of those 2 birds.
and the whole point of this diary????
Even though I am going through this Cancer treatment and all the changes yet to come to my body and soul .......
I am STILL that damn little boy that is distracted by my natural world even at this "marinating" age of 57!
EVEN while Marinating!
AMAZING!!
and a minor post script:
Today (Saturday April 28th) as I finish some last minute edits I am on day 13 of this first chemotherapy cycle. On day 9 I experienced my first real annoying side-effect the notorious "Gemzar Rash". I have a minor rash like a horse collar around my neck. the itching stop with a light application of benadryl cream so all is well for now. the other news is the my former wife will be flying out on May 6th so that we can remarry. We had been talking about remarrying for a long time now and with all this health insanity now driving my life for the time being we have decided not to wait any longer.
The real reason for writing this diary however is that I wanted to share one underlying promise I made to myself back in March when I first began to chase down why I had a cough.
That promise is this: no matter what this disease may do to me over the coming months and years I MUST continue to be me. No matter what. Because if I did not; if I lost who I am then it would not matter what the outcome would be. I know that in order to succeed in this fight for my life I must stay centered, and be true to who I am. because only then can my spiritual self stay aligned with my body and we will succeed.
so yes, I AM Marinating winks