From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
> Now that the price of gas is falling, Republicans have stopped talking about the price of gas.Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
> Mitt Romney gets dressed every morning with help from a pants elevator.
> When an organization says in an email, "We want to hear from you!" they really mean "We want to confirm that this email address is still valid so we can ask you for more money!"
> When you vote for Republicans these days you're essentially saying, "Yes, I approve of cruelty against women, minorities, the poor, and the planet."
> I like to wear 3-D glasses when I leave the house. They make everything look so real.
> It used to be that gay people were viewed as creepy weirdos, and anti-gay people were viewed as normal. Now anti-gay people are viewed as creepy weirdos and gay people are viewed as normal.
> Something you rarely heard during Alexander Graham Bell's time: "Dammit---I just dropped my phone in the toilet."
> I look forward to the day when I can tell my GPS to tell the GPS in the car in front of me to tell the driver to quit driving like an asshole.
> I have felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror. I fear something terrible has happened. John Stossel must have a new book out.
> I support using DNA to bring back the dinosaurs for their oil. Clone here!!! Clone now!!! Pay less!!!
> The number of specific loopholes Paul Ryan has marked for closure in his budget looks like a loophole itself: 0
> One of my biggest regrets in life is knowing that I'll never be able to cross "Become Asteroid Miner" off my bucket list.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Note: "I saved the auto industry!" "No, I saved the auto industry!" "No, I did!" "No, I did!" "Did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" "Did too!" (Smoke 'em if ya got 'em…we might be here awhile.)
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 16
Days 'til the Maine Blues Festival: 37
Percent of 19-22 year-olds who get financial help from their parents: 62%
Percent who get help from their parents to pay bills and go to college, respectively: 42%, 35%
(Source: USA Today)
Number of annual visitors to the National Mall in D.C.: 25 million
Estimated cost of its upcoming facelift: $700 million
Amount fetched at auction for the baseball that went through Boston first-baseman Bill Buckner's legs during the 1986 World Series: $418,250
Puppy Pic of the Day: Friend of the Court
CHEERS and JEERS to election fevuh! Active primary night last night, with winners and losers in our column:
North Carolina: No surprise. Amendment One passed. Discrimination will now be written into the state Constitution. But the amendment will be nullified. As will all similar state constitutional amendments. By the Supreme Court. In due time. Oh, and where are my manners? To everyone who voted "No" (and there were a helluva lot of you): Thank you Thank you Thank you. And to everyone who voted "Yes": enjoy your feeling of smug superiority. While it lasts.Oh, almost forgot: in the dry town of Ocean City, New Jersey, voters rejected a measure that would've allowed restaurant patrons to bring their own booze. The Republic is saved.
Wisconsin: Lord willing, Milwaukee Mayor and last night's Democratic primary winner Tom Barrett will trounce Scott Walker next month and become Wisconsin's next governor. I hope they go with my bumper sticker slogan: "Vote Barrett: Cuz Walker's A Dick."
Indiana: Say goodbye to old-timer Richard Lugar, who lost to a tea party candidate promising extremism in the defense of his perverted notion of liberty that Republicans embrace these days. And since teabaggers are prone to imploding (Exhibit A: "I'm not a witch."), the odds are pretty good that Democrat Joe Donnelly will turn the seat "D" in November. Fair warning: he's a Blue Dog. But at least he's not Evan Bayh.
West Virginia: A majority of Republicans---70 percent---fell asleep in the voting booth as they were pulling the lever for Mitt Romney.
CHEERS to fighting $$$ with $$$. Liberals are finally waking up and smelling the overwhelming conservative tidal wave of cash being dumped on the 2012 elections. And they've finally caught the attention of---[Ker-CRACK!!!]---the Eye of Soros! But here's where the right's efforts and ours differ:
…instead of going head to head with the conservative “super PACs” and outside groups that have flooded the presidential and Congressional campaigns with negative advertising, the donors are focusing on grass-roots organizing, voter registration and Democratic turnout. But in interviews, donors and strategists involved in the effort said they also did not believe they could match advertising spending by leading conservative groups like American Crossroads and Americans for Prosperity, and instead wanted to exploit what they see as the Democrats’ advantage in grass-roots organizing.Ground game! Get 'em registered, get 'em to the polls, slap an "I Voted" sticker on their hineys, and give 'em a fist bump for victory. If we turn out, we win in a landslide and Karl Rove will haz a sad. I live for that day.
CHEERS and JEERS to nabbing bad guys. President Obama's national security team nailed a(nother) notorious al Qaeda terrorist, Fahd al-Quso, who played a major role in the bombing of the U.S.S. Cole a lifetime ago. And Monday we learned that we foiled another underwear-bomber plot, thanks to a double agent. Yay! USA! USA! But, of course, for every action there's an equal and opposite yadda yadda…
NATO air strikes killed Afghan civilians in two provinces, local officials reported Monday, and the U.S.-led coalition said it plans an apology in one of the incidents.Which, these days, pretty much amounts to, "Whoopsie." It's good to be the imperialists.
CHEERS to taking it to the next level. If the Occupy movement really wants to maximize their leverage, they need to get some folks in office to affect change from the inside. Enter stalwart Kossack Seneca Doane, aka Greg Diamond, who is doing just that by running for State Senate seat in California's 29th District. If you missed his campaign kickoff announcement last week, check it out here. Says Greg:
I had never expected to run for office before I became involved with the Occupy movement as the primary Civic Liaison for Occupy Orange County. By mid-January, I had decided that I probably should run -- because some people from the Occupy movement should use electoral politics as another way to get out our message. And so I am---with the blessing of a lot of people who aren't even Democrats. […] [T]ying my political fate closely to Occupy and fighting like hell is the best way I can think of to advance the Occupy critique.His competition is "…the union-hating fake semi-moderate Senate Minority Leader of California, a man named Bob Huff." If I may be so bold: Boo hiss.
JEERS to campus bullies. Senate Republicans to students yesterday: Drop dead. In fairness, they had a reason to sink (via filibuster threat) the bill to prevent student loan rates from doubling in July: they enjoy inflicting emotional and financial cruelty on the commoners. (Hey, I didn’t say it was a good reason…)
CHEERS to comin' as you are. I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and…aw, screw it, I'm wearin' sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt---deal with it. Kudos to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for responding to the petty and insecure pricks in the media who criticize her for not looking like a Victoria's Secret model:
“I feel so relieved to be at the stage I’m at in my life right now,” Clinton said. “Because you know if I want to wear my glasses, I’m wearing my glasses. If I want to wear my hair back, I’m pulling my hair back. You know at some point it’s just not something that deserves a lot of time and attention. … And if others want to worry about it, I let them do the worrying for a change,” Clinton said.Or, as Kathy Bates once said: "Face it, girls---I'm older and I have more insurance." All together now: Frumpy Power!!!
Five years ago in C&J: May 9, 2007
JEERS to the seven-year idiot. To prove that modern-day Europe is a den of liberal depravity, Republican Party candidate Mitt Romney claims that the French marry in seven-year "terms." Let's ask someone who lives there if that's actually true. Say, Americablog's Chris in Paris:
Yes, it's so frequent that I've never heard of it nor has anyone I know who is either married or has a PACS. ... One thing that Romney or other French-bashers can address is why the divorce rate in France is so much lower than the US divorce rate. ... Heck, Mitt can also explain why more Americans are unfaithful in marriage than the French since he wants to talk about how moral America is compared to France. Then he can tell us more about the divorce rates of GOP candidates including his hero Reagan...
Okay, but remember I only have about 40 more years on my lifespan. Just give me the CliffsNotes version so we can be done by retirement.
CHEERS to fighting shell shock. In an effort to keep kids with peanut allergies from coming in contact with the dust from shells (which can literally kill them) during baseball games, the Minnesota Twins have designated a special peanut-free zone at the Metrodome. We applaud their decision. Now...what about those of us who are allergic to loud drunken fans?
And just one more…
JEERS to unfounded confidence. A law as old as time itself: when you need to do something embarrassing or underhanded, do it in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep. That's exactly the rule Rick Santorum followed when he emailed---emailed!!!---his endorsement of Mitt Romney, the campaign-trail bully who completely destroyed him in a savage barrage of TV ads that left no mud un-slung, no sweater vest un-tattered. I gotta say, I'm surprised, bewildered and confused. This leaves me a bit shaken, if I'm allowed to admit it. Not by Santorum's endorsement of Mitt Romney. Not by the fact that we now find ourselves living in a time in which an endorsement of anyone by Santorum garners even a speck of news coverage. But that Santorum apparently thinks his "brand" is so valuable that he needs to protect it from getting tarnished by an over-eager association with the actual Republican nominee for president. If you need me today, I'll be in my hyperbaric chamber---that thought just gave me the bends.
Oh, and Happy Birthday and "many blessings on your camels" to music legend and Kossack jnhobbs, who turns [frrfrrfrrrr] today. Careful with the cake, John---This year I baked it with more cowbell. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Bill in Portland Maine.”
---Rep. Paul Ryan