Last night, Jon Stewart ripped the homophobes in North Carolina for passing Amendment One, as well as Obama's huge announcement for his support of gay marriage.
Ah, congratulations, North Carolina, cuz for a moment I was feeling a brief glimpse of what I guess doctors would call happiness and a full heart, and I appreciate you ending that. By the way, in your zeal to protect yourself from the gay menace, there isn't any chance you may have, I don't know, created some collateral damage amongst the heteros?
WSPA (5/9/2012): It also bans civil unions and domestic partnerships, and get this. Not just for gay couples, but straight couples in the state too.
Oops! We done fucked up!
But you know what, that is a step towards equality. Since many opposite sex couples will now enjoy the same lack of rights same-sex couples have always never had.
(audience applause)
....
What is marriage's historic meaning, by the way? Let me see if I can look that up here. (takes out dictionary)
OK, let me see.... Marriage originated as a social construct that allowed family patriarchs to facilitate a transfer of chattel property, such as livestock or daughters through lawful contracts, and then afterwards have a party with the DJ. OK.
Could anyone fighting for this marriage ban for same-sex couples define it in the most ignorant way possible?
DR. DANIEL HEIMBACH (3/28/2012): If marriage is radically redefined as being just a way of affirming private feelings of loving attraction, then equality will require allowing people who love dogs to marry dogs, and people who love ice cream to marry ice cream.
Yes, that's exactly right! You know, I realize now, that's not a bald head, that's a solar panel for a dumbass machine.
Video and transcript below the fold.
Yesterday, we may have, on this program, for those of you who watch, I don't watch this program, reasonable people can disagree. We may have insinuated that President Obama was somehow being disingenuous in giving in to his most base political calculations by not just coming out and saying he favors same-sex marriage and equal rights for all Americans, that his position is "evolving" is weak tea.
What we didn't know at the time is he had already planned today at 3 o'clock to say that... eh, I'll let you watch the tape.
BARACK OBAMA (5/9/2012): It is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.
(wild audience applause)
There you have it. The President of the United States is gay... (turns page) friendly. Gay-friendly. Damn you ellipsis!
And I think we all know who deserves the credit for this.
MITT ROMNEY (5/8/2012): I'll take a lot of credit.
So, exciting positive news for equal rights for all citizens, a symbolic victory that can in no way be dampened by the codifying of bigotry in... let's say, the state where the Democrats are going to be holding their convention.
WSPA (5/9/2012): North Carolina voters passed a strict amendment to their constitution that bans same-sex marriages.
Ah, congratulations, North Carolina, cuz for a moment I was feeling a brief glimpse of what I guess doctors would call happiness and a full heart, and I appreciate you ending that. By the way, in your zeal to protect yourself from the gay menace, there isn't any chance you may have, I don't know, created some collateral damage amongst the heteros?
WSPA (5/9/2012): It also bans civil unions and domestic partnerships, and get this. Not just for gay couples, but straight couples in the state too.
Oops! We done fucked up!
But you know what, that is a step towards equality. Since many opposite sex couples will now enjoy the same lack of rights same-sex couples have always never had.
(audience applause)
One of the measure's chief backers was North Carolina Vote For Marriage, which argued, "When marriage ceases to have its historic meaning and understanding, over time fewer and fewer people will marry."
Yes, yes of course. It'll be too gay now. Like rollerblading, ooo.
But yes, let's examine marriage's historic meaning. It is important to maintain marriage's historic meaning. What is marriage's historic meaning, by the way? Let me see if I can look that up here. (takes out dictionary)
OK, let me see.... Marriage originated as a social construct that allowed family patriarchs to facilitate a transfer of chattel property, such as livestock or daughters through lawful contracts, and then afterwards have a party with the DJ. OK.
Could anyone fighting for this marriage ban for same-sex couples define it in the most ignorant way possible?
DR. DANIEL HEIMBACH (3/28/2012): If marriage is radically redefined as being just a way of affirming private feelings of loving attraction, then equality will require allowing people who love dogs to marry dogs, and people who love ice cream to marry ice cream.
Yes, that's exactly right! You know, I realize now, that's not a bald head, that's a solar panel for a dumbass machine.
By the way, I just want to ask really quickly, does your wife know that you can't see the difference between the consensual love that leads to matrimony, and the enjoyment you get from a Dairy Queen Blizzard? Nobody would mistake these two things. Well... one guy might mistake them.
(plays clip of Pee Wee Herman declaring his love of fruit salad, and then marrying it)
It's chaos!!!
Jon then covered the results in
Indiana and West Virginia.
Kristen Schaal then parodied the Obama campaign's "The Life of Julia" with her own
The Life of Kristen.
Meanwhile, Stephen covered the
Mexico debate with that Playmate distracting the presidential candidates. He also covered what
North Carolina did on Tuesday.
He then did a good takedown of right-wing artist
Jon McNaughton's ludicrous "art".
Jon spoke with Dean of Westminster Abbey
John Hall, and Stephen spoke with Vogue editor-in-chief
Anna Wintour.