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pen on paper: 'Dear diary'
 
Hello, human diary! It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am continuing the process of writing a diary of my daily experiences on the campaign trail. My advisers continue to insist that there is little to no profit margin involved in personal diaries, but that it will provide an outlet for practicing human emotions such as "empathy," "sincerity" and "hungry." I am all three of those things, diary! There: I believe that worked. Indeed, I feel more well-liked by the common folk already.

Reporters continue to complain about my amusing hi-jinx at my old preparatory academy, Cranbrook. My advisers sought out some of my old class chums as character witnesses; irritatingly, many of them seem to retain a low opinion of me. I find this preposterous, as I am worth more money than all of the rest of them combined, which should be proof enough of my moral superiority. Eric F. assures me this is in fact true, and that this will blow over soon enough, but the questions are still disrupting my human emotion-practicing times on the campaign trail. Note to self: Look into whether buying my old school would transfer alumni remembrance rights to my own portfolio, thus corking my old chums once and for all.

Tomorrow I am expected to give a commencement address at Liberty University, which as I understand it is a religious school of some kind currently run by the relatively mediocre son of the fellow who founded it. This level of nepotism bodes well for the place; I am certain I will enjoy it. Schools, like states and nations, ought to be properly transferred from one wealthy generation to the next. It simplifies the process tremendously, and achieves certain business efficiencies (for example, the ability to continue using old stationery).

Eric F. informs me, however, that there has been a bit of a donnybrook among the deeply religious student body because of my own Mormonism since, it seems, this particular school is of the opinion that Mormonism is an anti-Christian cult, possibly even devil-inspired and/or under the ongoing influence of the devil. As the children say these days: Oops! Ha ha ha. (Note to self: Inform Eric F. of this emotional outburst on my part, I am sure he will enjoy it. If he does not enjoy it, fire him.) Accepting a speaking engagement in front of a group of people who consider me to be something slightly worse than a heathen was perhaps poor planning on the part of my advisers, but they assure me it sounded like a fine idea at the time, and that I need such appearances to better bond with the conservative religious parasites plebeians yokels.

I have spent the day brainstorming possible areas of common interest for the speech. What sorts of things might non-wealthy religious persons who are suspicious of all alternative religious beliefs enjoy hearing about? Among my ideas so far:

Tell a joke about firing people. Tell a joke about Jesus firing people.

— Religious advice: If, as a youngster, you ever pin a fellow down and beat and/or disfigure them because of their irritatingly contrary lifestyle and/or beliefs, make sure to finish the job. Leave no witnesses. Witnesses cause nothing but irritation later on.

— Explain to them that I am not really a very religious fellow myself, though I hold stock in some institutions that no doubt employ individuals who may or may not be religious, but assure them that my church is frequently every bit as bigoted and uptight as their own. Note to them my contributions towards political campaigns against the homosexuals, which counts as charitable giving because it is religious.

— Talk at length about Obama and his suspiciously anti-religous tolerance. Suggest obliquely something-something-Muslim. Declare that Obama's stance on marriage equality will doom us all. (Note to self: Ask advisers to come up with plausible-sounding reasons why Obama's stance on marriage equality will doom us all.) Assure the crowd I am not nearly as tolerant—the Cranbrook episode should help my credentials, here.

In the end I think the standard campaign speech will suffice, although I may have to wedge in a bit more religious pandering than usual. Our requests to the old Santorum campaign that they make Rick available for coaching on the subject have thus far been met with pouting, so we will have to make do with the usual stuff. We are already drafting updated anti-homosexual talking points, however, and this will be a good opportunity to test them in front of a sufficiently bigoted audience.

Very well, I believe I have expressed enough human emotion for one day, Mr. Diary. I am now off to continue my efforts on the campaign trail. In one bit of other news, it turns out one of my old competitors, Michele Bachmann, was secretly Swiss! I have heard of many secret Swiss bank accounts, but this is the first time I have heard of a secret Swiss person. I plan on calling to congratulate her on that rather impressive feat. It strikes me that there may be some tax advantages to secretly being a citizen of another nation: I am going to call my fellow in the Caymans and inquire on this point. It would be good to be able to visit my accounts there on a more regular basis.

Tax havenly yours,
Mitt

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