I know. That's an awkward titling of this post.
Let me explain if I can.
As I approach yet another birthday (in 11 days), I have again been reflecting on what will soon be 66 years on this earth.
Recently the focus has been less on myself than it has been in the society in which I find myself.
I can think of many ways in which we can see that society, all of us, progress.
I have lived through many important, positive changes.
I have seen and experienced civil rights for Blacks, for women, in some measure for gays and transgendered people.
We have gone from political bosses picking candidates to a situation where voters have a voice through primaries and caucuses.
There has been some progress in understanding that we cannot use the world's resources without caring about the impact, that what we have been doing is not sustainable.
We have laws about clean air and clean water and endangered species.
Yet at the same time I see our society moving backwards.
The rights of workers are being eroded in favor of corporations.
Religious and racial and homophobic intolerance is on the rise.
We are moving ever more in the direction of income and wealth inequality of proportions that would have been unimaginable only a few decades ago.
Our political and governmental processes are being perverted by the influence of money.
There is too much concentration into two few hands in the media, and in too many other industries: energy, finance, transportation.
Public institutions that were an important part of American democracy are being gutted and privatized.
As I am about to retire from my current position as a public school teacher, what does this mean to me, as an individual, as a citizen, as an economic actor?
Recently I had an electronic exchange about a job that I could possibly have. My skill set is a good fit. But it would mean using that skill set in a way that would benefit the few at the expense of the rest of us. Despite the possible lucrative possibilities for me, I know I cannot do that.
I at least have some choices.
As I write this, hundreds of thousands are in the process of losing their unemployment benefits even as we refuse to require those who are getting wealthy to contribute their fair share to the maintenance of our civil society.
Too many have no choices. Even if a job is totally in conflict with their values, they may have no choice but to take it in order to eat, to stay in their homes.
We still, unlike most of the civilized world, apply capital punishment.
We still, unlike most democracies, do not approach medical care as a guaranteed right by having universal coverage.
We have been eliminating defined benefit pensions, putting ever more seniors at financial risk if they retire, which means they keep working, thereby clogging up the job stream and preventing young people from getting their first job - it is connected. Yet some want to raise the ages for retirement, for receiving Medicare, ignoring the impact upon young people, and simultaneously ignoring that those who work by physical labor cannot keep working into their 70s as do lawyers and doctors and business executives.
As our wealth and income inequities widen, those at the top somehow think that their wealth entitles them to dictate to society - in education, in politics, in government.
Money is now the medium through which democracy operates, and those who lack it find that their voices are excluded.
All is not yet lost.
We are not yet a banana republic.
Yet when even a supposedly liberal Democratic administration sees nothing wrong with deploying drones at home, with increasing the rate of deportation, with removing protections from whistleblowers and misapplying the inappropriately named Espionage Act as if we had an Official Secrets Act, we have reason to be concerned, seriously concerned.
I find as I look back over my almost 66 years of life I am becoming increasingly more radical in my thinking. I believe because the only alternative to that of which I can conceive is to become totally cynical, or else to withdraw, become on some individual level a survivalist, not in the sense of buying a gun and building a shelter, but rather in shutting down one's sense of empathy and care for others with whom one lacks any immediate connection.
I write here on many topics, perhaps too often, certainly without sufficient focus.
I write as if my words make a difference.
I have taught as if that action made a difference.
There are things at which I can look back with a certain amount of pride.
But all my words and all my actions could be seen as futile gestures in the face of what is happening both globally and in our nation.
We have not yet escaped from the real possibility of world-wide economic collapse.
There is no guarantee that our political processes may not totally collapse, that our legal processes will continue to be perverted.
So why am I writing this? Why have I continued to teach? Why do I look for something that I can do - perhaps even as a teacher - that can continue to make a difference?
I remember the tale of the little boy on the beach, picking up stranded starfish and throwing them back into the sea. An adult points out that he cannot save all the starfish. He responds that he can save the one he then throw back into the water.
To give up now would be to go mad. It is tempting. At times I wonder why I bother.
Then I remember my favorite tale from the Desert Fathers, the early generations of monks in the Egyptian and Nitrean Deserts.
A young novice asked his master, "Abba, what do we do here in the desert?"
And the older monk answered "We fall, we pick ourselves up, we fall, we pick ourselves up, we fall, we pick ourselves up."
I may not remember that tale exactly, but that is of little matter. The meaning I derive gives me motivation to continue, as does the tale of the little boy and the stranded starfish.
I also remember that tiny drops of water when combined together over time can carve great canyons from the rocky surface.
At times despair may waft a siren call, entreating us to give up.
At times we may not know what the next moment will bring.
And yet, and yet. . . . .
I have learned from four-footed creatures, canine and feline, about unlimited love and trust.
I can see small children delight in the world around them.
I have known troubled adolescents who blossom because someone takes the time to care about them.
And despite what we may encounter now, I have in my lifetime seen much progress.
Now we wonder how to get below the 5,000 warheads we now have, which is far better than the tens of thousands we used to have.
Now we understand that some who would deny rights to other because of religion or sexual orientation, who seek to impose their narrow view born of fear and insecurity are losing the war demographically, even if they may win the occasional battle.
Robert Zimmerman, aka Bob Dylan, wrote wisely almost half a century ago words that some who seek to stop progress should attentively listen to:
I still have hope that what we do can still make a difference.
What about you?