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As a result of some shockingly lax campaign office security procedures, your intrepid diarist has just obtained a copy of Mitt's Top Secret, Confidential list of criteria for his vice presidential search. If nothing else, this explains why we've seen nothing of consequence so far other than a few one-day test-drives of political wannabees getting their 15 minutes of fame in exchange for an endorsement.

Finding the ideal person to meet these criteria will be all but impossible. The eventual running mate will need to embody superhuman traits to offset the black hole of personality of our presumptive nominee, in addition to bringing geographic, religious, philosophical, and operational balance to the ticket. Oh, and they have to enjoy working for a control freak.

Good luck finding someone for this job!

= = = = = = = = = = =

Picking out my VP has been quite an ordeal
As my list of criteria’s getting unreal

They should be truly ready to step up in case
Circumstances require that they take my place

For If I pass away, then the country is screwed
As I can’t be replaced by just any old dude

So if I had my choice, I would pick somebody bland
Who will make me look handsome, exciting, and grand

It should go without saying, but let me just say
I don’t think I’ll be choosing somebody who’s gay

They should have a nice wife who will wave to the crowd
Keep her thoughts to herself; never say them out loud

And a nice bunch of kids who don’t drink or smoke pot
Who don’t bully the others (at least don’t get caught!)

I’m not saying a woman would not be my choice
But they can’t have a nails-on-a-blackboard type voice

And their husband would have to sign on to the deal
And bring rugged good looks and athletic appeal

As a running mate, I want someone who’ll be true
To conservative values I sometimes eschew

A Tea Party favorite would charge up the base
But I don’t want those nuts running loose in the place

They could be from the South, where I need the support
Maybe even from Texas (as a last resort)

They could be from a swing state whose votes I will need
To emerge with an incontrovertible lead

Or perhaps from the west, Arizona, instead
That would give me some immigrant policy cred

Or the Rust Belt where industry languished and died
I did not kill it off (though I certainly tried!)

Or the heartland where patriots still can be found
Who will raise up their voices while standing their ground

Well, wherever they’re from they must work well with me
I don’t need someone getting all maverick-y

They should listen attentively, smile, and nod
And revere me just as they would look up to God

At the end of the day, I’ll be calling the shots
As my SuperPAC launches those great campaign spots

We’ll appear side by side, looking smart and well groomed
And Obama and Biden will know that they’re doomed

I will need a debater to take on old Joe
And run rings ‘round Barack when we go toe to toe

And they’ll have to deal well with demands of the press
Lame-stream media people just fill me with stress

They should understand deficits, budgets, and such
But I think we can fake that; it won’t matter much

Foreign policy street cred would balance my skill
We need someone to tell us which people to kill

Maybe someone who served in the military
Unlike those who spent ‘Nam hanging out in Par-ee

They should be in good health; this can be tough job
Not a role for a lazy or overweight slob

They should have perfect hair (but not nicer than mine!)
I’ve got scissors in hand if it gets out of line

They should have strong faith that they wear on their sleeve
(I don’t care if it’s real; they don’t have to believe)

They must eat campaign food with thumbs up and a grin
Have a name that sounds good on a sticker or pin

Bring some cash to the deal; I don’t mean to be crass
But a rich self-made guy adds a nice touch of class

All this sounds like an order that cannot be filled
And as more and more candidates come to be grilled

I can see that I may have been searching in vain
So screw it; I’ll outsource the Veep job to Bain.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Thu May 17, 2012 at 02:48 AM PDT.

Also republished by Readers and Book Lovers, Indigo Kalliope, DKOMA, and Community Spotlight.


Where will Mitt eventually find his VP pick?

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| 297 votes | Vote | Results

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