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UPDATE:  To clarify for Cinnamon's sake, this is not an indictment of all heterosexual men.  I happen to BE a heterosexual man.  A heterosexual teacher coerced me into becoming straight when I was just eight years old.  I was permanently scarred by the experience of being told of the pleasures of heterosexuality.  She never touched me or anything like that, but it was clear that SHE was a heterosexual and I admired her, so I decided then and there, this would be the lifestyle I chose.  No, this is an indictment of STUPID heterosexual men who are either self-loathing closeted gays or believe that every gay man in the world wants to fuck him.  I thought this was self-apparent throughout this satirical diary, but Cinnamon begs to differ and has slapped this diary with an HR to show her disapproval.  Now that we are clear on the actual INTENT of the diarist, who uses satire to make his point (and not everyone "gets" satire, so apparently it has to be explained before it can be read), we begin.

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My friends at Little Green Footballs step forward today with a compelling, scholarly article about why Conservatives fear gay marriage.  If I may borrow a paragraph?

Could this be the correct explanation of the fear? Could it be that conservatives (subconsciously?) believe that if same-sex marriage were to become more accepted and hence more common, heterosexuals would actually begin converting their sexual orientation? Could conservatives really (subconsciously?) believe that gay sex is so much better than straight sex, or that switching one’s sexual preference is, at least for most people, as easy as switching brands? It sounds silly, but you do often hear conservatives fantasizing about gay folks - especially teachers - “recruiting” children who would otherwise be straight, as if changing or determining someone’s sexual orientation - even a child’s - were as easy as giving them the right sales pitch!
As usual, the good folks at LGF are on to something.  But I say the reasons why Conservatives -- especially MALE conservatives -- have such dread of gay marriage are much more simple and selfish.

It's the "Butt Stuff."

(Allow me to explain after the leap.)

Male conservatives are convinced that gay men want to put their ying yangs in THEIR BUTTS!  This is a horrifying prospect to your average, stupid male.  This is why a blanket recognition that being gay is a normal variant of human sexuality, to these small, frightened, uneducated men, means society is saying it's OK for these gay men to put their willy-wallys in YOUR pooter hole!

Follow the logic.

Most stupid men, married or otherwise, enjoy pornography.  They enjoy watching men with their throbbing, erect whatchamacallits do degrading thing to women with them.  Slapping them on the face with it.  Spanking them with it. There is no orifice on a woman's body that is safe from the probing, pulsating prongs on the popular pornos.  And that includes the pooter hole.  There's a whole SUBSET of pornography DEVOTED to anal sex.  They give an AWARD at the ADULT VIDEO AWARDS each year to the actress involved in the most erotic Anal Sex scene.

So, it's not anal sex (as a practice) to which these small, frightened men object.

Heck, if you're a man and you're honest with yourself, you LIKE being on the "doling it out" end of anal sex.  How many heterosexual men reading this diary right now have never asked their wife or girlfriend to just take a deep breath, relax, "I'll just put in the tip and we'll see how it goes," and then you ram it home like Captain Kidd jamming his sword back into his scabbard while she hollers "takeitouttakeitouttakeitout" and you tell her to just relax and it won't hurt so bad and she starts kicking and screaming "takeitOUTtakeitOUTtakeitOUT youfuckingbastardpieceofshit" and you finally do (because the walls are thin and your neighbors just LOVE calling the cops) and you tell her she should have at least given herself a chance to relax and enjoy it and she (if she's your wife) doesn't let you anywhere near her with "that thing" for weeks and if she's your girlfriend she stops returning your calls?

So. We've established we have no problem with the theory of anal sex.  Or the theory of oral sex, for that matter.  If you're clean and perform proper hygienic maintenance "down there", most women will be more than happy from time to time to engage in this particular activity.  And fellows, you know that this is a two way street, right?  T'is well and good to give and receive.

So, no problem with oral sex.

Same sex?  Shoot, that's fine too!  As long as it's woman on woman.

This is as old as time itself.  Why do you think the Bible not only authorizes but condones multiple wives for the biblical patriarchs?  Because after a hard day of patriarching, there's nothing a patriarch likes better than to come home to watch some hot "wife on wife" action (they didn't have Blu-Ray or DVDs then) before jumping into the wife pile.

Now, with our modern technology, we love watching the ladies do other ladies.  If you are married or in a relationship and your wife or girlfriend comes home with an attractive friend, and says "Happy Birthday, honey" as she and her friend peel off their clothes revealing their Victoria's Secret scanties as they hop onto the bed and start kissing and fooling around for awhile before beckoning you to join them, would you throw your hands up in Conservative horror and quote Leviticus?  NO!  You'd be on that bed, living the dream!  Oh HAPPY day!  What a HAPPY day!

So.  Let's review.  It's not anal sex as a practice that we find loathsome.  Nor is it oral sex.  Same sex is not a problem either, as long as those same sexes happen to be two or more women.  

(Ever wonder why the Bible never condoned a woman having more than one husband?  I think it was comedian Wanda Sykes who asked if anyone had ever come home from work to find his wife watching a man-on-man porno saying, "Yeah, baby.  Ooooh.  He likes that, doesn't he?  Oh, yeah, baby.  Give it to him!")

Therefore, if the Conservative male has no problem with anal sex, oral sex or same sex sex, why the problem with Gay Marriage?

It can't be the reason they constantly give,"because it threatens the sanctity of marriage."

I've been married three times.  My wife #3 and I have been together since 1988.  The first two failed because I was married to women who couldn't keep their pants on when I was not around.  "Teh Gay" had nothing to do with it.

So, the real reason people are against Gay Marriage comes down to one of two things.

1.  You are a closeted homosexual, self-loathing, raised in a household that forbade and punished "those kinds of thoughts".  You have repressed these feelings, have gotten married and have children but can only find real sexual satisfaction with the kind of anonymous sex initiated with a game of "tappy toe" in a Minneapolis Airport Bathroom.  Or,

2. You are ignorant heterosexual who -- because YOU would gladly fuck a warm piece of liver if no one was looking -- believes that all gay men will find YOU attractive and want to force their sexual attentions on YOU!  Men over 40 don't even like going to the doctor because they know the doc will stick a well-lubricated, gloved finger "up there."  The idea of being run to ground by hoards of pantless gay men with their throbbing manhoods acting like divining wands in the search for "virgin ass" terrifies you.  And you KNOW that's the next step.  You KNOW that's what gays REALLY want... not monogamous relationships with people they love.  Hell, YOU have a monogamous relationship with someone YOU love and yet every time you go out of town on a business trip you're balls deep in some hooker you met on Craigslist by 11:13 pm!  That's why you're against gays in the military.  All gays want to have sex with YOU!  You just KNOW it.  So if you were in the Army and had to take a shower with GAY people looking at you, it would be a constant battle to maintain your anal virginity.  If you were in a FOXHOLE (God forbid) with a GAY, then nobody would be securing the perimeter because you would be too busy securing your ANUS against this GAY guy who you just KNOW wants to fuck you.  Oh sure, he's sitting over there nice and quiet and writing a letter to his sister.  But YOU know what he's thinking.  HE'S thinking about waiting until you're asleep, sliding down your fatigues and DOING THINGS to you!

THAT is the problem with gay marriage.  It's not the fact that it's same sex have sex with the same sex (as long as it's only women).  It's not that anal sex is disgusting, because who hasn't tried to get away with it at least once in a heterosexual relationship (sorry, honey... I missed!) or that we find oral sex to be immoral and de facto sodomy (which we don't even when we say we do).

The bottom line (giggle) is that stupid straight people are scared that rampaging hoards of GAYS are going to ATTACK THEM and FORCE THEIR wing wangs up their pooter holes and OBAMA SAYS IT'S OK NOW!

THAT'S the problem!

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT THE EX-EXAMINER EXAMINES THE NEWS, WHERE YOU WILL FIND A LOT MORE STUFF JUST LIKE THIS.

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