Now that Romney appears to be the nominee for the Greedy Oligarchal Predators party, the only excitement left for Very Serious Pundits is the question of who gets the #2 spot. Of course there might be more than one, since Romney will need to change his mind halfway through, then assure us that his second choice was really his consistent position all along.
Anyway, I have as much chance of being right as anyone on the Sunday talk shows, and/or a squid picking names out of a chafing dish, so here's my breakdown.
SEN. MARCO RUBIO (FL):
PRO: With a Cuban on the ballot, Hispanics would flock to vote for him, just like women did with Palin. Um...they did, right?
CON: Speaking of women, Rubio's co-sponsorship of the "No insurance for icky ladyparts" amendment did not go over well.
PRO: Is not one of those elitists who know the name of the President of Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.
CON: Godfather's pizza at every campaign stop.
REP. PAUL RYAN (WI):
PRO: Created the granny-starving budget that Republicans adore.
CON: Following Mitt's example of flip-flopping, has recently denied his longstanding worship at the temple of Ayn Rand.
EX-GOV. TIM PAWLENTY (MN):
PRO: Manages to appeal to wingnuts while pretending to be moderate.
CON: Probably too busy kicking himself for dropping out; he's the only non-Romney who could have snagged the nomination.
REP. MICHELE BACHMANN (MN):
PRO: Bold leadership on the all-important issue of making sure nobody gets vaccinated for HPV. Cancer cells have rights too!
CON: Rumored to have a long-form birth certificate saying she's Swiss.
SEN. ROB PORTMAN (OH):
PRO: Very Serious People agree he's a Very Serious Candidate.
CON: Less interesting than Mitt Romney. Let me repeat that: Less interesting than Mitt Romney.
EX-SEN. RICK SANTORUM (PA):
PRO: Would set up the Republic of Gilead and start assigning handmaids.
CON: Between him and Romney, too many dog jokes. Comedians' cats would get miffed....and you don't want to be around comedians' cats when they're miffed.
GOV. JAN BREWER (AZ):
PRO: Has signed some of the most insane legislation in the country, outlawing healthcare-while-pregnant and breathing-while-brown.
CON: Will probably want to start a reality show with Joe Arpaio instead.
EX-PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:
PRO: Used to being second in command, and he needs a job.
CON: He's busy writing a book. No, stop laughing, he really is! With words and everything! Telling us how to successfulize the economy - I said stop laughing!
EX-GOV. SARAH PALIN (AK):
PRO: Would have today's talking points written on her hand. Can keep an eye on Canada and Mexico while campaigning in border states. Mitt wouldn't have to change his mind because she'd quit halfway through the campaign.
CON: Too busy squeezing money out of suckers to bother with another campaign, you betcha. Also.
EX-GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE (AR):
PRO: Has amazing Teflon. Media rave about what a "nice guy" he is even after he compared same-sex marriage to "marrying an animal." Just recently he sent out an email characterizing people who disagree with him as "whores," but everyone was happy to blame it on the oh-so-busy junior staffer who always seems to be behind these things.
CON: Why would he give up his cushy gig at Fox?
PRO: Dad told here where all the bodies are buried.
CON: No campaign events in daylight. Would have trouble finding enough interns to keep her sated with blood.
GOV. RICK PERRY (TX):
PRO: Three reasons to vote for him: good hair, opposition to taxes, and...oops.
EX-REP. NEWT GINGRICH (GA):
PRO: Would carry the 51st state: the Moon.
CON: Too busy looking for for wife #4 so she can help him defend the sanctity of marriage.
REP. RON PAUL (OH):
PRO: Inexplicable crossover appeal, at least with people only superficially familiar with his positions.
CON: Would refuse all campaign contributions not paid in gold.
GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE (NJ):
PRO: A bully's bully, always a good thing according to wingnuts, and he hates unions.
CON: Just thinking about all the stupid fat jokes we'll have to hear could lead to toxic levels of boredom. C'mon, comedians, make some effort here.
GOV. SCOTT WALKER (WI):
PRO: Super-duper-doubleplus hates unions.
CON: If we do our job right, after June 5th Republicans will deny every having heard of him.
PRO: Memorable wardrobe. And just think of all the snazzy campaign videos.
CON: Currently not allowed to go out of state. Also, he's underage - but could probably come up with a video of him being born pre-1977.
STEPHEN COLBERT (SC):
PRO: Wingnuts think he's one of them anyway.
CON: Like he'd ever take the #2 spot.
PRO: Corporations are people too, my friend!
CON: All those corporate mergers - are we sure they weren't same-sex?
PRO: High name recognition.
CON: Jewish. Class warrior who says to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. Favors social programs, opposes war, shows no interest in gay-bashing. And despite what wingnuts might think, not a US citizen.