He's back! Jon Stewart returned from a two-week break to talk about how Roger Ailes said that Jon admitted to him at a bar years ago that he's a socialist. Well, Jon proceeded to turn that into an awesome takedown of Fox News and Mitt Romney. My goodness, there were so many awesome moments from last night's show. Here's a sampling.
But I couldn't remember, so, and this is true, I called Mr. Ailes. Not on the phone, I just stood in front of a mirror and said his name three times. (wild audience applause)
And then he called me back, very gracious. So Roger Ailes called me back. And he reminded me that 12 years ago, he and I had met in Philadelphia, at the Republican convention, in a bar. And then, it all came flooding back.
....
Why didn't Roger Ailes mention what he admitted to me before? Which was, and obviously it's been a lot of years, so I'm paraphrasing, but I think what Roger said to me once was, "Oh Jon, did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining that any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased? While, at the same time, filling the editorial vacuum that creates by building a conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization?" (wild audience applause and cheering)
And then, I think he said, hold on, oh! And he said to me, he goes, "Jon, I'm going to call the organization Fox News. And its tagline will be, you're gonna love this, 'A Fanatically Micromanaged Fiefdom Where My Own Far Right Agenda and Personal Sense of Victimhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation, and Balanced'."
....
Yes! Socialism, the new s-word. The worst thing you can call someone. It's like if the c-word and the n-word had a baby. And that baby's name? (in a scary whisper) Obamacare.
MICHELE BACHMANN (2/11/2011): Obamacare is quite clearly the crown jewel of socialism.
REP. STEVE KING, R-IA (11/18/2010): Obamacare is the flagship of socialism.
SENATE CANDIDATE JOHN RAESE, R-WV (10/19/2010): It is pure, unadulterated socialism.
Uncut, the good stuff. Apparently, socialism is like cholesterol. Social Security and Medicare are the good kind. Obamacare is the bad kind, unadulterated socialism, a program where everyone will be forced to buy health insurance in a competitive marketplace of private for-profit insurance companies.
....
Now, some would say... some would say, isn't our current system of health care more like socialized medicine, because we're all subsidizing the millions of citizens without health insurance? Well... SHUT UP!!!
....
By the way, now that the taxpayer socialism bailout that allowed the auto industry to go through a managed bankruptcy at a time when private markets wouldn't lend them money worked, any socialists out there courageous enough to take the credit?
MITT ROMNEY (5/8/2012): That was the right course, I argued for it from the very beginning. ... And finally, when that was done, and help was given, the companies got back on their feet. So, I'll take a lot of credit for the fact that this industry's come back.
(Jon salutes Romney) Here's how you know when a socialist policy has worked. When a staunch capitalist takes credit for it with a hostile takeover.
....
In this country, you don't get to pick winners and losers if you're in the government. You let the market decide. And this Solyndra solar panel company, no! We shouldn't have chosen. Any government subsidy of private enterprise is wrong.
MITT ROMNEY (5/27/2011): Ethanol subsidies allow that industry to get up and running, and that's something which I support.
What the fuck??
(audience applause)
So wait, in terms of subsidies... let me get this straight. In terms of subsidies, sun to solar panel to energy... socialism.
Sun to corn to energy... America!
Can't we just admit a socialist is someone who wants to spend government money on shit you don't like?
Video and
full transcript below the fold.
I happened to cross this story, about how Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, said that I admitted to him, in a bar, that I'm a socialist. Now, I didn't doubt the story. I mean, I know watching Fox News makes you misinformed, but running it doesn't!
But I couldn't remember, so, and this is true, I called Mr. Ailes. Not on the phone, I just stood in front of a mirror and said his name three times. (wild audience applause)
And then he called me back, very gracious. So Roger Ailes called me back. And he reminded me that 12 years ago, he and I had met in Philadelphia, at the Republican convention, in a bar. And then, it all came flooding back.
JON STEWART: Great party, Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News. Great party.
ROGER AILES: Thanks.
JON STEWART: Hey, ever tell you how much I love socialism? Just love it. Love the whole redistribution.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hey, Roger. Great party. Listen, Andy Dick just took a shit on your sundae bar. Thought you should know. Have a good night, OK?
ROGER AILES: I should go take care of that.
JON STEWART: OK, see ya, Roger Ailes, head of Fox News.
Oh yeah! You know, the real question there, 1) Why did I go to an Eyes Wide Shut orgy dressed as Hee-Haw Albert Brooks? You know, it just occurred to me, I am an old and unattractive man now. And 2) Why didn't Roger Ailes mention what he admitted to me before? Which was, and obviously it's been a lot of years, so I'm paraphrasing, but I think what Roger said to me once was, "Oh Jon, did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining that any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased? While, at the same time, filling the editorial vacuum that creates by building a conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization?" (wild audience applause and cheering)
And then, I think he said, hold on, oh! And he said to me, he goes, "Jon, I'm going to call the organization Fox News. And its tagline will be, you're gonna love this, 'A Fanatically Micromanaged Fiefdom Where My Own Far Right Agenda and Personal Sense of Victimhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation, and Balanced'."
(wild audience applause and cheering)
I'm paraphrasing. Something like that.
Anyway, so that goes down. Then came this clip unearthed by a conservative website.
12/15/2000:
LARRY KING: I think you're a Democrat, Jon.
JON STEWART: I think that's probably correct. I think I would say I'm more of a socialist or an independent.
Oh my God! I looked great! (wild audience applause) Wow! You know what I just realized? That interview was conducted just moments... moments before Larry King drained me of my youth. (Jon's face morphs into the Cryptkeeper's face)
Let me explain to you what I think I meant by the comment on that show, seeing as I have, at various times, described myself as socialist, independent, Whig, Rockefeller Republican, Teddy Roosevelt Democrat, and contrarian asshole. All right.
I don't believe in state control of industry, or collectivizing farms, but I do believe that there is value in some policies that derive from a more socialist ethos. Like...
MITT ROMNEY (9/21/2011): I think that Social Security is an essential program.
Right. Like Social Security. Right. Thank you, courageous comrade. I believe in that, a centrally planned program to ease poverty amongst the elderly that we all contribute to. What else do I believe in? What else would be like socialism?
SARAH PALIN (6/5/2011): ... Medicare, it will save the safety net of health care coverage that our esteemed elders in this country need.
Yes, right! See ya at the meeting, Sister Sarah! I believe in Medicare! Social Security, Medicare. But of course, I used the term socialism in the year 2000, before Obama ruined it for everybody!
BAY BUCHANAN (10/22/2008): Barack Obama is a socialist, it's that simple!
DICK MORRIS (3/16/2009): He is obviously a socialist.
RICK PERRY AD (9/14/2011): Obama's socialist policies are bankrupting America.
ERIC BOLLING (12/7/2011): Obama, his socialist policies are ruining America.
Yes! Socialism, the new s-word. The worst thing you can call someone. It's like if the c-word and the n-word had a baby. And that baby's name? (in a scary whisper) Obamacare.
MICHELE BACHMANN (2/11/2011): Obamacare is quite clearly the crown jewel of socialism.
REP. STEVE KING, R-IA (11/18/2010): Obamacare is the flagship of socialism.
SENATE CANDIDATE JOHN RAESE, R-WV (10/19/2010): It is pure, unadulterated socialism.
Uncut, the good stuff. Apparently, socialism is like cholesterol. Social Security and Medicare are the good kind. Obamacare is the bad kind, unadulterated socialism, a program where everyone will be forced to buy health insurance in a competitive marketplace of private for-profit insurance companies.
It's a Marxist dream. (picture of Richard Marx appears)
No, that's Richard Marx, actually. (picture of Groucho Marx appears)
Get the photo on the altar near my desk. (picture of Karl Marx appears)
Yeah, that's better, that's the one.
Now, some would say... some would say, isn't our current system of health care more like socialized medicine, because we're all subsidizing the millions of citizens without health insurance? Well... SHUT UP!!! Because Obama's real socialist scheme has nothing to do with health care.
ERIC BOLLING (7/6/2011): He basically socialized the auto industry.
ERIC BOLLING (4/29/2010): He's moving from free market capitalism directly to socialism, he socialized auto companies.
So I hope you enjoy your new line of socialist cars, America. The AMC Kremlin. The Christless LeBaron. The Ché-vrolet.
By the way, now that the taxpayer socialism bailout that allowed the auto industry to go through a managed bankruptcy at a time when private markets wouldn't lend them money worked, any socialists out there courageous enough to take the credit?
MITT ROMNEY (5/8/2012): That was the right course, I argued for it from the very beginning. ... And finally, when that was done, and help was given, the companies got back on their feet. So, I'll take a lot of credit for the fact that this industry's come back.
(Jon salutes Romney) Here's how you know when a socialist policy has worked. When a staunch capitalist takes credit for it with a hostile takeover.
But not every Obama socialist scheme is worthy of the Romney name.
MONICA CROWLEY (9/21/2011): This is all part of trying to remake the American economy in sort of a socialist model, right? So you have the government going in, picking winners and losers, and in the case of Solyndra, picked a clear loser.
REP. CLIFF STEARNS, R-FL (10/10/2011): If you start to predict who the winners and losers are, then you're socializing this country.
Exactly! In this country, you don't get to pick winners and losers if you're in the government. You let the market decide. And this Solyndra solar panel company, no! We shouldn't have chosen. Any government subsidy of private enterprise is wrong.
MITT ROMNEY (5/27/2011): Ethanol subsidies allow that industry to get up and running, and that's something which I support.
What the fuck??
(audience applause)
So wait, in terms of subsidies... let me get this straight. In terms of subsidies, sun to solar panel to energy... socialism.
Sun to corn to energy... America!
Can't we just admit a socialist is someone who wants to spend government money on shit you don't like?
And then we can dispense with the name calling, and find an industry we can all agree is great.
REP. VIRGINIA FOXX, R-NC (2/8/2006): Mr. Speaker, House Resolution 670 offered by the distinguished gentleman from Pennsylvania, Mr. Murphy, would congratulate the Pittsburgh Steelers on winning the 2006 National Football League title.
That's what I'm talking about. Pro football! America! What's more American than the NFL? There's a business built and run the right way.
1/29/2012:
STEVE KROFT: But the real key to the league's success is its unorthodox business model. Under league rules, the teams are required to share most of their revenue with each other, which is always a sticking point with some of the most successful franchises, and the more politically conservative owners. ... I mean, that's socialism, isn't it?
NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL: It is a form of socialism. And it's worked quite well for us.
Burn him! Burn him!!! We'll be right back.
Jon then interviewed Michelle Obama, who got two segments on the show.
Part 1
Part 2
Meanwhile, Stephen was also back, and after noting how he ended up at #69 on the Maxim Hot 100, he looked at the latest Donald Trump birther rant.
Stephen then looked at the
elections in Egypt.
He then interviewed
Charlize Theron, who's starring in two major movies about to open,
Snow White and the Huntsman, and
Prometheus.