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Mitt Romney's Certificate of Live Birth
A very obvious fake. (Reuters)
It seems birtherism is now back in full force. This can only mean there is an election coming up, and that the Republicans really, really need to court their worst and foulest supporters. If they can't impress them with the sack of nothingness that is Mitt Romney, then they'll at least point out that that other guy is, you know, suspicious.

First we had Donald Trump and his newfound dedication to birtherism, apparently as a direct response to people paying attention to him again. Among the people paying most attention: Mitt Romney, who for some reason is embracing fellow crapsack Trump instead of, say, avoiding him like a communicable disease. There's still no obvious explanation for this, but apparently Romney really needs Trump voters (gawd help us, I don't even want to know who those might be. Probably people who watch Jersey Shore, but think it isn't vapid enough).

This has led to an interesting dance in which Team Mitt simultaneously cuddles up to the now-notorious birther and angrily denounces anyone who points that rather goddamn obvious fact out. Surrogate John Sununu was very, very surly with CNN for having Donald Trump on the teevee the same day as Trump's event with Romney:

"Why is CNN so fixated on this?" Sununu, the former New Hampshire Governor, asked CNN's Soledad O'Brien. "It's CNN that wants to bring this up. I don't want to bring it up. Mitt Romney has made it clear that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. You had Donald Trump on last night, and now you are asking the question this morning. It's CNN's fixation."
Why is the media fixated on Trump being an embarrassing, conspiracy-addled loon who yells his conspiracy theories at any member of the media who will listen? Gosh, I don't know, Mr. Sununu, but it seems a bit like Mitt Romney holding an event with the Florida face-eating cannibal, but then getting mad if anyone mentions the face-eating part. Donald Trump's sole contribution to the discourse of late is public birtherism. That's it. That's his schtick. A far better question would be why CNN feels any need whatsoever to talk to John Sununu about it. Who the hell cares what John Sununu thinks?

But even as Trump's newest push into birtherism gets rave reviews from other conservative crackpots, Trump's far from the only one involved here. Birtherism is resurgent in the entire Republican Party now. While Mitt Romney plays the hug-the-birther game, now Michigan Senate candidate and former congressperson Pete Hoekstra thinks birtherism needs to be elevated to the level of government function:

Former Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI), who is running for Senate to take on Democratic Sen. Debbie Stabenow, told a tea party town hall last month that the federal government should establish an official committee to review presidential candidates’ birth certificates. [...]

“Sure. I mean, I think — you know, I think, throw something at me if you want, I think with this president, the book is closed, all right?” Hoekstra tells the man. “It’s kind of like, I hate to say it, but I think the debate’s over — we lost that debate, and we lost that debate in 2008, when our presidential nominee said, ‘I ain’t talking about it.’ OK, I’m sorry."

Note that Hoekstra doesn't think the debate's over because the evidence came in, thus rendering the entire debate pointless and stupid. He just thinks the debate's over because John McCain didn't talk about it enough. So now the small government (pfft) conservative wants a new government committee to review what already gets reviewed, just to make super-duper-extra-sure no secret Kenyan is trying to pull a fast one with the secret help of every damn functionary in the Hawaii state government. Goodie.

So is Mitt talking about this stuff? Of course he is. He's talking about it in that lovely, not-really-talking-about-it way that has characterized his entire relationship with Donald Trump. Why, Mitt Romney just released his birth certificate, in an apparent attempt to prove absolutely nothing to absolutely nobody.

Yes, Republican Mitt Romney appears eligible to be president, according to a copy of Romney's birth certificate released to Reuters by his campaign. Willard Mitt Romney, the certificate says, was born in Detroit on March 12, 1947.

His mother, Lenore, was born in Utah and his father, former Michigan governor and one-time Republican presidential candidate George Romney, was born in Mexico.

Yes, Mitt Romney's dad was born in Mexico. Want to see the birth certificate? That's it up there at the top of the post.

Oh, Lord. Now I ask you, does that really prove anything? First off, using my special sleuthing powers I have discovered that it says "VOID" all down both sides of the page! And it was only printed in January of this year! And did they really have that typeface back in 1947? And look at the way the sheet is cut off, on the left, and how the whole page is slanted towards the left, as if it were trying to tell us something? It is obviously not a legitimate certificate that proves a darn thing, leading to the obvious question: Was Mitt Romney really born at all? Let's ask Donald Trump's rear end to weigh in on this.

That's a trick question, of course. The answer is that Mitt Romney is really, really white (Pay no attention to the Mexican heritage, that was just something to do with Mitt's ancestors fleeing the United States to practice—you know what? Never mind. Stuff happened, let's just leave it at that.) and that people who look sufficiently white are automatically "true" Americans because conservatism really is just that dull and shallow.

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