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My Australian friend who now lives in Thailand sent me the following in an email and I thought I'd share.  It should be good for a TGIF laugh!

                        Photobucket

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
____________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
____________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
____________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
____________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in  Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
_
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
_
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Comment Preferences

  •  Good TGIF Morning MOTley Mates! (14+ / 0-)

    Photobucket

    Have a great day everybuddy ;~D

    As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

    by JaxDem on Thu May 31, 2012 at 11:53:10 AM PDT

  •  fizzled movement (8+ / 0-)

    I asked about Dem outreach to Occupy yesterday because I had some connections with the Farm Movement in the '80s. So I fret a little when a movement goes nowhere because both major parties blow it off. This opens a vacuum for opportunist fringies to move in, like the Posse Comitatus (or hinted at by an anti-Fed and anti-Medicare manifesto written by an Rodroid infested local Occupy group). Which can lead to things like the media doing a hatchet job on you. Like 20/20 did to the Farm Movement, probably between commercials for banksters and big insurance companies that were buying up oodles of farmland at sherif sale prices.

    For as much as some on the left lament not being able to flip rural red states blue, how did they blow this big opportunity? Jesse Jackson was the only one that picked up on it trying to get some farmers in the Rainbow Coalition.

    "If this Studebaker had anymore Atomic Space-Age Style, you'd have to be an astronaut with a geiger counter!"

    by Stude Dude on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 03:51:35 AM PDT

    •  Mornin' Dude... (7+ / 0-)

      you started quite the lively discussion yesterday on the Occupy movement.  

      I have to wait for the coffee to kick in before I can read coherently much less comment ;)

      Have a wonderful day.

      As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

      by JaxDem on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 03:58:12 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Occupy has not fizzled. (7+ / 0-)

      It has moved to the next phase. In my opinion, on this opinion blog, movements like Occupy work much like the anti-war movement did. It makes its point and then those energized by it convert that energy into changing things using the ballot box. Politicians are encouraged to take up the cause of the 99% and those who don't are voted out of office.

      That revolution will not be televised.

      The movement has changed the way we talk about class in our country and in time, once those who protect the 1% from reality are voted out of office, it will change the way our country works.

      Words have meaning. Our words will reflect what is in our souls.

      by JanF on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:00:16 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  good morning: I was also involved in the Farm (7+ / 0-)

      Movement then also and also see the Democratic hierarchy as missing a real opportunity.  This morning I read an article on Ayn Rand (Atlas Shrugged lady) and how in the 1970's she blew off the Libertarians as the RW version of the hippies.  The author speculated how much more successful Rand's philosophy would have been had she done outreach to the Libertarians in their nascent stage instead of blowing them off.  It is a bit scary to consider.

      However, too often establishment types do not recognize nascent movements and tend to dismiss them because these movements tend to be messy and hard to control.  We all know it is about the control with the hierarchy of both parties  

      •  Why Democrats won't reach out to Occupy (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        JKTownsend, Hoghead99, Stude Dude

        This will be my last post on this topic in MOT.
        Basically there's just nothing good for the Democrats in doing so. For Democrats, Occupy is a loose cannon with a tendency to violence. we're trying to sell Democrats as good governance and reliability and the last thing we want is Ran Domino on the same platform.
        And we don't LIKE people who wear ski  masks to demonstrations, some of us, like me, think its REAL cowardly and don't want to be associated with it.

        We Democrats by a large majority reject Occupy because they are so far out of the mainstream of popular thought and action in America. We're trying to  win an election here and Occupy is nothing but a real obstruction to that goal, no help at all.
        Occupy is fringe and just because the Republicans let their fringe group dictate policy and positions doesn't mean we do. As I say, we're trying to win an election here.

        Altho Occupy is not at all part of the democrats, we get blamed for everything they do--- and Occupy has a really bad reputation out there in America. Look outside Dailykos!
        Democratic politicians who have reached out to Occupy, Like Jean Quan, GAvin Newsom and Sam Adams, have gotten severely  bitten by Ocupy for doing so. And then there's the dead certain probability that any reaching out by the Democrats would be perceived by Occupy as "cooptation." Its happened before.

        Democrats don't need Occupy at all, don't want to be seen with them, so its much better for us to reach towards the center where the election will be decided rather than out towards the fringe for Occupy to revile us and slap our hand away.

        You won't see Democrats reaching out to Occupy, there's just nothing good for us in doing so.

        Happy just to be alive

        by exlrrp on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 06:20:43 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Morning! (5+ / 0-)

    A happy Friday to you all!

    Aussie humor: love it.

    My rugby-playing, bartending cousin lived there for about two years on some sort of visa that he easily overstayed by some year and half. Had a great time. I think he told them he was Canadian, though.

    I would love to go check it out: visiting Perth is on my bucket list.

    "Space Available" is the largest retail chain in the nation.

    by Free Jazz at High Noon on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 03:52:03 AM PDT

  •  Ha! Good morning, JaxDem and MOTliteers. (5+ / 0-)
    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
    Cute!

    Seems like Friday would never get here. Why do some weeks feel longer than others?

    Have a great day and PLEASE stay out of trouble!

    Words have meaning. Our words will reflect what is in our souls.

    by JanF on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 03:52:07 AM PDT

    •  Good Morning, Jan! (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      JanF, Otteray Scribe, Hoghead99, Aunt Pat

      I liked the drop bears...hehehehehe

      My son worked as a lifeguard on the beach in Hilton Head, SC for several years while he was in high school and college.  We always got a kick out of the questions he'd been asked during the season.  

      Alright, alright already...I'll stay out of trouble today, but I'm not making any promises about tomorrow, you hear?

      Have fun today.

      As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

      by JaxDem on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:04:11 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Good subject as I sit here at my desk (7+ / 0-)

    with my didgeridoo propped up beside me.  As soon as I have some Cajun coffee I may play it.  It aggravates the dog, not to mention my nosy neighbors.  But not nearly as much as my daughter practicing her bagpipes on the back porch.  

    The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. - Sun Tzu

    by Otteray Scribe on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 03:54:11 AM PDT

  •  Speaking of Australians (4+ / 0-)

    has anyone heard from CJ (ulookarmless)?  Several weeks ago somebody told me he was back in hospital, but have not heard anything since.  

    The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. - Sun Tzu

    by Otteray Scribe on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:00:55 AM PDT

  •  Friday on My Mind (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    JaxDem, JanF, Otteray Scribe, Aunt Pat

    A 60s Aussie rock classic, and apropos!

    "Space Available" is the largest retail chain in the nation.

    by Free Jazz at High Noon on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:08:58 AM PDT

  •  Morning Religious Humor (5+ / 0-)

    since this may have gotten my granddaughter consigned to Hell by various Sunday School religionists.

    The Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Trial of Jesus (and its usual misinformation from a historical perspective) and she got to the part where the Jewish elders condemn Jesus to death after Pilate had washed his hands of the matter.

    She asked," Now what does Jesus' trial tell us?" (hint: answer should be about his sacrifice so everyone today has the chance for eternal life and how unfair and arbitrary the Sanhedrin and the Jewish mob were)
    Granddaughter #1 piped up and said, "Jesus had a lousy lawyer?"

    The church has been rocked to its foundations but since he did represent himself, it seems Jesus predates that maxim about being your own lawyer

    •  excellent! Loved it... (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      JanF, Otteray Scribe, Aunt Pat

      how old is your granddaughter?  Hopefully she's young enough that the Sunday School teacher just shook her head over that one.

      Good point about the result of acting as your own lawyer ;)

      Have a great day, entlord and thanks for the lol.

      As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

      by JaxDem on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:22:21 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  thanks (5+ / 0-)

        She is 8.
        Thinking on her response later, and the Gospel admonition about "truth from the mouths of babes", I did get to wondering how a perfect being, someone who was literally a manifestation of the divine godhead in human form, could botch his own case so thoroughly.

        Sadly her teacher did not view this as a "teachable moment" but rather a manifestation of  Old Scratch himself

  •  My fave Aussie humour example (6+ / 0-)

    Back in the '60s their then Prime Minister, Harold Holt, went for a swim in dangerous waters near Melbourne and was never seen again.

    So what did Melbourne do as a memorial?

    They named a swimming pool after him.

  •  Good Morning MOTleyville (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    JaxDem, JanF, Hoghead99, Aunt Pat
    •  Good Morning, eeff! (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      JanF, Aunt Pat, eeff

      I was just about to form a search party to go lookin' for you.

      How are you today?  We had a pretty intense thunderstorm yesterday afternoon.  All this rain and our grass is growing like crazy.

      Have a great day.

      As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

      by JaxDem on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 04:55:43 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  GM mot LOL re: OZ Marmite or Vegemite? /nt (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Aunt Pat

    slutty voter for a "dangerous president"; Präsidentenelf-maßschach; Warning-Some Snark Above"Nous sommes un groupuscule" (-9.50; -7.03) "Sciant terra viam monstrare." 政治委员, 政委!

    by annieli on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 05:38:51 AM PDT

  •  G/M to all......... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Aunt Pat

    Picked our first ripe tomato yesterday!

    Na na na na na na!

    Sure wish I liked tomatoes............:(

    Best, HH99

    Compost for a greener planet.............got piles?

    by Hoghead99 on Fri Jun 01, 2012 at 06:39:50 AM PDT

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