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On Monday night, Stephen Colbert ripped into the climate change deniers in the North Carolina legislature, who are considering a bill to essentially make climate change science illegal in the state.

Now, fortunately, folks, North Carolina Republicans have drawn a line in the soon-to-be-underwater sand.  They have written a new bill that would immediately address the crisis predicted by these climate models by outlawing the climate models.  (Sea, No Evil)

Here's how it works.  The law makes it illegal for North Carolina to consider scenarios of accelerating rates of sea level rise due to global warming.  You see, right now, all the scientists' sea level predictions look like this.

That steep curve?  That's bad.  That ski jump to hell there, that's predicting that things are going to get worse and worse in a feedback loop that accelerates.  No politician wants that.  (Except Senator Aquaman)

So, to fix that problem, GOP lawmakers want the state to consider only the sea level rise over the last 100 years, then predict that's what will happen in the future.  That makes that scary chart get all better.

Now, instead of the economy-destroying 39-inch rise, the law makes it a rise of only 8 inches.  And that shrinkage makes sense, because the water is cold.  (If Tide Lasts More Than Four Hours, Call Your Climatologist)

Now folks, I think this is a brilliant solution.  If your science gives you a result that you don't like, pass a law saying that the result is illegal.  Problem solved.  (E = MC Scared)

Video and full transcript below the fold.

Nation, there's troubling news from the so-called "scientists".  Now they're saying that the CO2 levels in the air have surpassed 400 parts per million for the first time in 800,000 years, when wooly mammoths roamed the Earth in Escalades.

But folks, I don't buy it.  First of all, what do they mean 400 parts per million?  Air's only got two parts: the breathe-y part, and the part that makes balloons go up.  But these alarming climate numbers have led international research groups to predict that in the next 100 years, sea levels will rise by approximately 1 meter.  We have no idea how much devastation that could cause, because it's metric.  (audience applause)  We don't know.  There's literally no way of knowing!

But theoretically, it could cost coastal communities billions of dollars in damage and lost development.  Plus, who's gonna want to watch MTV's Spring Break from Valdosta, Georgia?

Nation, this issue is near and dear to my heart.  And more importantly, near and dear to my beach house in South Carolina.  So it is time to take drastic action, and that brings us to tonight's Wørd: Sink or Swim.

Folks, now I'm from the Palmetto State, but South Carolina's neighbor, North Carolina, is also worried.  Because their state-appointed Coastal Resources Commission has projected "a 39-inch rise in sea level" by the year 2100.  That would devastate the coastal real estate market.  (Mortgages Literally Under Water)  And folks, it would be a tragedy to lose precious coastal wildlife habitats to flooding.  Those habitats should be lost to developers' bulldozers.  (Goodbye Cranes, Hello Cranes)

Now, fortunately, folks, North Carolina Republicans have drawn a line in the soon-to-be-underwater sand.  They have written a new bill that would immediately address the crisis predicted by these climate models by outlawing the climate models.  (Sea, No Evil)

Here's how it works.  The law makes it illegal for North Carolina to consider scenarios of accelerating rates of sea level rise due to global warming.  You see, right now, all the scientists' sea level predictions look like this.

That steep curve?  That's bad.  That ski jump to hell there, that's predicting that things are going to get worse and worse in a feedback loop that accelerates.  No politician wants that.  (Except Senator Aquaman)

So, to fix that problem, GOP lawmakers want the state to consider only the sea level rise over the last 100 years, then predict that's what will happen in the future.  That makes that scary chart get all better.

Now, instead of the economy-destroying 39-inch rise, the law makes it a rise of only 8 inches.  And that shrinkage makes sense, because the water is cold.  (If Tide Lasts More Than Four Hours, Call Your Climatologist)

Now folks, I think this is a brilliant solution.  If your science gives you a result that you don't like, pass a law saying that the result is illegal.  Problem solved.  (E = MC Scared)

Now, in fact, I think we should start applying this method to even more things that we don't want to happen.  For example I don't want to die.  But the actuaries at my insurance company are convinced that it will happen some time in the next 50 years.  However, if we consider only historical data, I've been alive my entire life.  Therefore, I always will be.  (The Larry King Theorem)

(wild audience applause)

And, if you extrapolate my life from the critical periods of age 8 to 18, I will grow to be over 20 feet tall.  (And Have Hair On 100% of His Body)

So I say, bravo, North Carolina.  By making this bold action on climate change today, you're ensuring that when it actually comes, you'll have plenty of options.  Or at least two.  (Sink or Swim)  And that's the Wørd.  We'll be right back.

He also noted how Congress is speaking dumber in their speeches.
He then revealed the Better Know a District series is coming back!!  And he started it off by interviewing Rep. John Lewis (D-GA).
Then last night, he looked at the recent news about the zombie apocalypse before looking at some bizarre news stories from around the world, and how a North Dakota woman has decided to marry herself.
Meanwhile on Monday night, Jon Stewart let us know he was there in person to witness the first no-hitter in Mets history.  He looked at CNN's coverage of Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee with John Oliver.
He then had another episode of Polish That Turd, regarding the disappointing jobs numbers from Friday.
Last night, Jon led off with Wisconsin recall coverage, and had Wyatt Cenac in Wisconsin to talk with both sides.
He then had Al Madrigal on to talk about the massive unemployment rate among Latinos in a particular line of work.
Stephen interviewed Second Lady Dr. Jill Biden last night, while Jon interviewed the Libertarian Party nominee for president, Gary Johnson.  On Monday night, Jon talked with scholars Norm Ornstein and Thomas Mann about their new book on how the Republican Party has gone batshit insane.  This went long, of course.  Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Jun 06, 2012 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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