It feels beneath the office of the Presidency for Obama to have to hustle this hard for dough all the time. But hey, you know what? He made $3.5 million from six fundraisers in one day. Beat that, Mitt Romney.
THE KUDLOW REPORT (6/12/2012): According to Politico, Romney and the Republican National Committee raised about $77 million dollars in May.
(gasps) So? All Obama's gotta do is, six fundraisers a day for the next 22 to 23 days, and he matches you! As long as there are no other fundraising factors, I think we have found that the finances even out.
SHEPARD SMITH (6/13/2012): The Wall Street Journal, which is owned by our parent company, reports one Sheldon Adelson is donating $10 million dollars to a super PAC supporting Mitt Romney.
(audience boos)
(in Jerry Lewis voice) Sheldon Adelson!
Holy shit! Obama is working his ass off, six fundraisers a day to try to squeeze a mere $3.5 million out of 'em. Meanwhile Romney's got Adelson going, "Oh yeah, hey Gene, why don't you pop off a check to Romney for like $10 million dollars. You can sign it." "All right, Mr. Adelson. I'll get right on it."
Sheldon Adelson gave $10 million dollars to Mitt Romney? 'Cause in the Republican primary, I seem to remember him backing a different fatter-headed horse.
CARL CAMERON (5/29/2012): ... billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, who's the guy who gave $21 million dollars to a pro-Gingrich PAC during the primaries ...
That guy!!! Sheldon Adelson was the guy who was willing to spend an unlimited amount of money to crush Mitt Romney by bankrolling ads in the Republican primary like this.
OMINOUS VOICEOVER: For tens of thousands of Americans, the suffering began when Mitt Romney came to town.
OLD WOMAN: I feel that is the man that destroyed us.
(shocked audience laughter)
"But in retrospect, now I see we probably deserved it. Romney 2012."
Adelson put out that ad, and still donated $10 million to Romney! Imagine how much money he'd give him if he liked him!
....
Mr. President, times like this call for big action. You need to monetize this Presidency. You're leaving too much money on the table! There's no reason the next joint session can't be monetized.
Boom. "My fellow Americans, the next state of the union is surprisingly refreshing."
And don't stop there. Remember when you oversaw the killing of Osama bin Laden? You must've known this photo would go viral. You had to think of it as an assassitunity.
Cha-ching!
As you know, the Presidential election, less than five months away. It's a time when the American people reflect on the state of the nation and the needs of its citizenry, and examine which presidential candidate's policy and temperament would best address these urgent and critical times. So that's our job. Their job is to raise as much fucking money as they can get their hands on. And it appears that is going to come down to the wire in tonight's...
From what I understand, that may have been our entire graphics budget for the year.
President Obama, as the incumbent, in terms of fundraising, appears to have the inside track.
NEWS ANCHOR (6/8/2012): The President shattering records for fundraising events. He's held more than 150 so far as President. That's nearly double the number former President George W. Bush attended during his whole first term.
Yeah! I mean, maybe if Obama was running against this cat....
He could phone it in too. (awkward audience response) That's John Kerry, by the way. You really didn't know who that was, was it? We popped a picture up here, like, is that Woody Allen from... dressed like a sperm? That's... remember that picture from John Kerry? (multiple audience members yell back "no") Am I the only one who watches this fucking show??
(in John Kerry voice) "This picture of me as a sperm won't look bad, will it? This won't stop me from being elected President...."
It's true, just yesterday, President Obama attended six separate fundraisers just in the Northeast Corridor. Would've been seven, but... that'd be a little bit much, don't you think? Seven fundraisers in one... I mean, c'mon, he's the President! He does need some down time to plan tomorrow's fundraisers.
STUART VARNEY (6/13/2012): Actress Sarah Jessica Parker and Vogue editor (in even haughtier British accent) Anna Wintour hold an exclusive event for the President's re-election bid.
Hey, you know what, Stuart Varney, that was a little dickish. A little dickish. It's annoying the President's doing a lot of fundraisers, but you don't have to put on that accent "Anna Wintour". You know, you don't need to put that on to make fun of Wintour. That's not right.
ANNA WINTOUR: Hi, I'm Anna Wintour, and I'm so lucky in my work that I'm able to meet some of the most incredible women in the world, women like Sarah Jessica Parker and Mee-chelle Obama. These two wonderful women and I are hosting a dinner along with the President in New York City to benefit the Obama campaign.
OK, I take it back, I take it back. I take it back, Varney, that was a pretty good impression of Anna Wintour. I had no idea. (in Anna Wintour voice) "The President and Mee-chelle Obama."
I'm glad the President is going to be with Anna Wintour, 'cause if there's two things the American people relate to, it's the Devil and Prada.
It feels beneath the office of the Presidency for Obama to have to hustle this hard for dough all the time. But hey, you know what? He made $3.5 million from six fundraisers in one day. Beat that, Mitt Romney.
THE KUDLOW REPORT (6/12/2012): According to Politico, Romney and the Republican National Committee raised about $77 million dollars in May.
(gasps) So? All Obama's gotta do is, six fundraisers a day for the next 22 to 23 days, and he matches you! As long as there are no other fundraising factors, I think we have found that the finances even out.
SHEPARD SMITH (6/13/2012): The Wall Street Journal, which is owned by our parent company, reports one Sheldon Adelson is donating $10 million dollars to a super PAC supporting Mitt Romney.
(audience boos)
(in Jerry Lewis voice) Sheldon Adelson!
Holy shit! Obama is working his ass off, six fundraisers a day to try to squeeze a mere $3.5 million out of 'em. Meanwhile Romney's got Adelson going, "Oh yeah, hey Gene, why don't you pop off a check to Romney for like $10 million dollars. You can sign it." "All right, Mr. Adelson. I'll get right on it."
Sheldon Adelson gave $10 million dollars to Mitt Romney? 'Cause in the Republican primary, I seem to remember him backing a different fatter-headed horse.
CARL CAMERON (5/29/2012): ... billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, who's the guy who gave $21 million dollars to a pro-Gingrich PAC during the primaries ...
That guy!!! Sheldon Adelson was the guy who was willing to spend an unlimited amount of money to crush Mitt Romney by bankrolling ads in the Republican primary like this.
OMINOUS VOICEOVER: For tens of thousands of Americans, the suffering began when Mitt Romney came to town.
OLD WOMAN: I feel that is the man that destroyed us.
(shocked audience laughter)
"But in retrospect, now I see we probably deserved it. Romney 2012."
Adelson put out that ad, and still donated $10 million to Romney! Imagine how much money he'd give him if he liked him!
Mr. President, you're screwed. No amount of Upper West Side coffee klatsches is going to add up to a couple of billionaires on a mission. You need to think bigger. Camera 3.
Mr. President, times like this call for big action. You need to monetize this Presidency. You're leaving too much money on the table! There's no reason the next joint session can't be monetized.
Boom. "My fellow Americans, the next state of the union is surprisingly refreshing."
And don't stop there. Remember when you oversaw the killing of Osama bin Laden? You must've known this photo would go viral. You had to think of it as an assassitunity.
Cha-ching!
And by the way, speaking of Tony the Tiger who's in there, how about your own product line?
Aww, silly rabbit. Take the shot, take the shot!
(shocked audience response)
Fuck that rabbit! He's always taking cereal from children. It's not right. (talks into wrist) Take the shot.
Plus Mr. President, what about some retail opportunities?
6/4/2012:
ZORAIDA SAMBOLIN, CNN: Tyler Sullivan went to see President Obama give a speech last Friday, and the President offered to make sure Tyler didn't get an unexcused absence.
TYLER SULLIVAN: He came up and he asked me if he wanted an excuse note since I was missing school Friday.
Boom! And an extra $20 bucks gets that kid out of gym for the rest of the year! Mr. President, you're a likeable guy with a lot of talents. And if you want to remain President, you're going to have to exploit all of them.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Hey Wyatt, is that Obama Rock?
WYATT CENAC: It sure is!
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Well, turn it up!
WYATT CENAC: Obama Rock, with all the President's top hits! "Let's Stay Together". "Sweet Home Chicago". "Let's Stay Together". And who could forget "Sweet Home Chicago"?
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Smooth. Hey, how much is Obama Rock?
WYATT CENAC: Those two song fragments can be yours for just $2,500!
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Oh, you mean the statutory limit on individual contributions to a candidate for federal office per election?
WYATT CENAC: You bet! Obama Rock!
WYATT CENAC: So send your money now.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Like right now.
WYATT CENAC & JESSICA WILLIAMS: Obama Rock!
We'll be right back.
at the recent national security leaks about the "kill list".
across the country.
. With a twist.