A few months ago I asked you, my loyal readers, for suggestions on future diaries.
To my great delight, I received many, many excellent suggestions. Some were literary classics, others were pure trash, yet others were so bad and so obscure I haven't yet been able to track them down. All, however, had that certain...something that makes them perfect examples of that most fascinating of creatures, the Book So Bad It's Good.
This summer's diaries will therefore be dedicated to you, my loyal readers. Every theme and almost every book will be something that you - yes, you! - brought to my attention, with non-suggested titles and authors carefully selected to match the astonishing quality of books that you'd encountered and I hadn't (yet).
And so, without further ado, here are this summer's coming attractions! Give yourselves a great big hand, and remember: these are all your fault!
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June 16 - trashy bestsellers about the rich and decadent (Louisiana 1976).
June 23 - banned in Boston and Gilmanton and...(Auapplemac)
June 30 - patriotic inanity with the literary factory known as Tom Clancy (Stealthisbook)
July 7 - Biblical bestsellers guaranteed to make Jesus weep (Raboof, Susan from 29, and MT Spaces)
July 14 - posthumous bestsellers, some actually written by the alleged author (stealthisbook)
July 21 - literary doorstops (Annetteboardman)
July 28 - Richard Bachman flips literature the bird (Ahianne).
August 4 - this is President Obama's birthday, so this diary should be special...but it's also my birthday, so instead of slaving away over a hot keyboard, I am making a unilateral decision that I am going to spend the day sleeping late, eating ice cream, and possibly doing the hot tubs in Northampton with friends. I am therefore soliciting diaries from you - yes YOU! If you've ever wanted to write about bad books, here's your chance! Be a star-spangled patriot! Make Captain America wish he were still frozen in the - Let me sleep late!
August 11 - love stories guaranteed to make you hurl (Youffraita)
August 18 - sexy time in Cambridge with horny undergraduates! (Anthony de Jesus, Keith 930)
August 25 - Anne McCaffrey's literary mistakes, most of which do not involve dragons (Aravir)
September 1 - the spawn of the MFA program (Jeannette0605)
So lay in a good supply of Maalox, keep the food and drink away from your keyboard, and give your pets and loved ones earplugs so they won't hear you scream, because in a world made of really bad books, only the very strongest will survive.
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Of course, I'm far from the only person to advertise coming attractions. Publishers, movie studios, television networks - all need to attract new patrons who will buy the books, go to the movies, or turn on the television shows. The various media have evolved various ways to do this, from discreet little boxes in The New Yorker for Pulitzer Prize candidates, to movie previews like this masterpiece by the late, great, H. Kroger Babb shilling a terrible mondo documentary about Darkest African called Kwaheri:
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
SEE the burning of a virgin!
SEE power of witch doctor over women!
SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
"Fantastic physical endowments," eh? That's almost enough to make me track down and rent this, except that I know, I just
know, I wouldn't respect myself in the morning.
Oh, well.
Inevitably, and fortunately (at least for me), book ads can be nearly as ludicrous as anything burped out by H. Kroger Babb, especially the back and inside cover summaries known in the trade as "blurbs." These are designed to persuade the casual shopper to pick up the book and buy it, but are frequently so cliched, silly, or just plain inaccurate as to rise to the level of Book Blurbs So Bad They're Good, as tonight's selections will amply prove:
The Rum Row Murders by Charles Reed Jones - this "Macaulay Supersleuth Mystery" seems to involve bootlegging, skulduggery on the high seas, and, of course, alcohol, at least if the cover art is to be believed. However, the blurb promises something just a little bit different:
This is an up-to-the-minute mysery. Not only does it take all your spinal nerves over the jumps, but it also makes you feel that you are wire-tapping in one of the latest politics-cum-gangster scandals. And it give, in the grand manner, an indelible picture of life and piratical warfare on board a rum boat anchored on the high seas off the stern and rockbound coast...
Loaded to the gunwale with superpowered quake-stuff to make your withers quiver.
Who could possibly turn that down?
The Hucksters, by Frederick Wakeman - this bestselling novel of ruthless, raunchy goings-on at an advertising agency is reminiscent of Mad Men, only earlier and with less explicit sex. It was filmed starring the likes of Adolphe Menjou, Deborah Kerr, Ava Gardner, Sydney Greenstreet, and Clark Gable, and made money for publishers, producers, actors, and author alike.
Of course, all of this happened despite the following wonderful paragraphs from the dust jacket:
The shocking part of Frederick Wakeman's second novel is the fact that this gorgeous satire on the radio-advertising-soap business is actually not a satire after all. It just sounds that way.
There are too many men like sadistic Old Man Evans, who snakes the long whip of his money power about the legs of a horde of employees, imposes his monotously successful selling ideas on men of brains, makes and breaks radio talent - and sells Beautee Soap.
"The long whip of his money." Oh dear me....
Podkayne of Mars, by Robert A. Heinlein - SF fans are well acquainted with fifteen years old Podkayne, her sociopathic baby brother Clark, and the controversy over whether Heinlein's original ending (which killed off Podkayne as she attempted to rescue a baby Venerian fairy, leading to her brother's redemption) and the one forced on Heinlein by the publishers (which only injures Poddie and includes a lecture blaming her mother for being neglectful). It's not one of Heinlein's best, but it's nothing like this masterly misleading back cover copy:
Tomorrow's answer to the anti-missile-missile
Podkayne of Mars
An interplanetary bombshell who rocked the constellations when she invaded the Venus Hilton and attacked the mighty mechanical men with a strange, overpowering blast of highly explosive Sex Appeal...
She was the sun, the moon and the stars. Wherever pretty Poddie rocketed, her radiation waves could be felt for lightyears. The fun and games' rooms at Las Vega, Venus, had never seen anything like this minx from Mars. Poddie was having the time of her celestial life--until one of her male satellites discovered that Poddie spelled trouble...in anybody's orbit.
Now. I have big problems with Poddie, mainly because I have yet to encounter a single convincing teenage girl in any of Heinlein's books. But "highly explosive Sex Appeal" makes this sound like Heinlein's take on
Lolita...and
pace the Heinlein fans among us,
Lolita and "Robert A. Heinlein" are two concepts that go together about as well as a
foie gras flutternutter.
Serpent Moon, by C.T. Adams and Cathy Clamp - the blurb for this installment of a series of paranormal romance novels about the shapeshifting creatures known as the Sazi speaks for itself:
"Eric Thompson’s wolf howl can ruin electronics and send aircraft tumbling from the sky. Considered dangerous even by his fellow Sazi, Eric has become a lone wolf, living in self-imposed isolation. Yet when the very foundations of Sazi life come under attack, Eric knows he must defend his fellow shapeshifters at any cost.
Attacked by a band of vicious Sazi, Holly Sanchez should have died. Instead, she survives, emerging as a powerful Sazi healer. Sent to return Eric to the Sazi world he rejected, Holly finds herself by his side as the lone wolf tracks the monster that is killing the Sazi. Holly soon realizes she must make a choice—between a Sazi life with Eric, and life as a “normal” human being. But first, she must survive long enough to make that choice—and she must save her people, and the world, from evil."
I would welcome the loan of copies of this amazing tome for a fall diary. Anyone?
Tarzan of the Apes, by Edgar Rice Krispies Burroughs - we all know the story of Tarzan: orphaned in the wilds of the African jungle, young Lord Greystoke is raised by apes, learns of his heritage, woos and wins the feisty Jane, and has many, many, many adventures in the jungles, the Lost City of Opar, the Earth's Core, and plenty of other locations recorded only in the works of Edgar Rice Krispies Burroughs.
Burroughs, who also created the seminal SF hero John Carter of Mars, was a master of exciting, entertaining, and not especially realistic pulp fiction. Alas, the same cannot be said of whomever wrote the advertising copy for his first Tarzan novel:
There's a thrill to the minute in this amazing story of Tarzan - son of an English Lord and reared in the African jungle by a tribe of huge apes.
It's New!
It's Different!
You've never met a hero like Tarzan - his marvelous adventures - his strange wooing - and you'll never forget him.
Available at any bookstore.
Doesn't that just make you want to rush out and buy a copy right after you've finished reading
Penrod or maybe a couple of Betsy-Tacey Books? Talk about exciting!
Although I am definitely intrigued by the idea of Tarzan's "strange wooing"....
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So - have any of you encountered a book blurb that was so misleading you felt like throwing the book across the room? Or at least the author of the blurb? Come add to the collection of super-power quake stuff on this beautiful Saturday night....
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Readers & Book Lovers Series Schedule
DAY |
TIME (EST/EDT) |
Series Name |
Editor(s) |
SUN |
6:00 PM |
Young Reader's Pavilion |
The Book Bear |
Sun (hiatus) |
9:30 PM |
SciFi/Fantasy Book Club |
quarkstomper |
Bi-Monthly Sun |
Midnight |
Reading Ramblings |
don mikulecky |
MON |
8:00 PM |
Monday Murder Mystery |
Susan from 29 |
Mon |
11:00 PM |
My Favorite Books/Authors |
edrie, MichiganChet |
alternate Tuesdays |
8:00AM |
LGBT Literature |
Texdude50, Dave in Northridge |
Tue |
10:00 PM |
Contemporary Fiction Views |
bookgirl |
WED |
7:30 AM |
WAYR? |
plf515 |
Wed |
8:00 PM |
Bookflurries Bookchat |
cfk |
THU |
8:00 PM |
Write On! |
SensibleShoes |
alternate Thu |
11:00 PM |
Audiobooks Club |
SoCaliana |
FRI |
8:00 AM |
Books That Changed My Life |
Diana in NoVa |
SAT (fourth each month) |
11:00 AM |
Windy City Bookworm |
Chitown Kev |
Sat |
9:00 PM |
Books So Bad They're Good |
Ellid |