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Take away a child's innocence and you take away their life.  Because who that child was supposed to be is forever changed.

Despite my horrendous childhood sexual abuse, I have been one of the fortunate ones.  I have not only survived, but I have thrived.  I just celebrated 17 years of a very successful marriage - happier today than we've ever been; I have two wonderful sons, a fantastic job, great friends, am pursuing my MBA and just started a charity.  

But there is a part of me that died that day - the day he touched me inappropriately.  A little girl who I will never know - who I grieve to this day wondering what she would have become, what dreams she may have had, what future was in store for her.

For the most part I've always had the attitude that I wouldn't change anything that happened in my past, because what happened then made me who I am today and, for the most part, I like who I am today.

But I do grieve my innocence.  I'm angry that I didn't get to say who, when, how.  I'm angry that the beauty of love and sex was taken away from me.  I'm angry that I've lost so many years hating myself, hating my body, hating sex, feeling as if I weren't worthy to love, that I was filthy, dirty, disgusting and that no one would want me.

I'm angry that I spent years self-abusing myself.  

And so tonight I grieve for the little girl lost.  For the little girl who had no defenses against a man who used her to satisfy his own deviant sexual behaviors.  I grieve for all of the children tonight who live with the memories of this heinous act.  

The silent tears that no one hears
Innocence ripped apart
You stole my childhood in front of eyes that looked away

Smells and tastes they rattle me
Bringing me back to that place
Close my eyes pretend to fly far, away from here

Knowing eyes far too wise
A life left in shambles
Children don’t lie about things they cannot know
Roxine 2012

Originally posted to The Grieving Room on Mon Jun 18, 2012 at 05:04 PM PDT.

Also republished by Street Prophets .

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