Skip to main content

Take away a child's innocence and you take away their life.  Because who that child was supposed to be is forever changed.

Despite my horrendous childhood sexual abuse, I have been one of the fortunate ones.  I have not only survived, but I have thrived.  I just celebrated 17 years of a very successful marriage - happier today than we've ever been; I have two wonderful sons, a fantastic job, great friends, am pursuing my MBA and just started a charity.  

But there is a part of me that died that day - the day he touched me inappropriately.  A little girl who I will never know - who I grieve to this day wondering what she would have become, what dreams she may have had, what future was in store for her.

For the most part I've always had the attitude that I wouldn't change anything that happened in my past, because what happened then made me who I am today and, for the most part, I like who I am today.

But I do grieve my innocence.  I'm angry that I didn't get to say who, when, how.  I'm angry that the beauty of love and sex was taken away from me.  I'm angry that I've lost so many years hating myself, hating my body, hating sex, feeling as if I weren't worthy to love, that I was filthy, dirty, disgusting and that no one would want me.

I'm angry that I spent years self-abusing myself.  

And so tonight I grieve for the little girl lost.  For the little girl who had no defenses against a man who used her to satisfy his own deviant sexual behaviors.  I grieve for all of the children tonight who live with the memories of this heinous act.  

The silent tears that no one hears
Innocence ripped apart
You stole my childhood in front of eyes that looked away

Smells and tastes they rattle me
Bringing me back to that place
Close my eyes pretend to fly far, away from here

Knowing eyes far too wise
A life left in shambles
Children don’t lie about things they cannot know
Roxine 2012

Originally posted to The Grieving Room on Mon Jun 18, 2012 at 05:04 PM PDT.

Also republished by Street Prophets .

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site