It’s been a while since I wrote a dino-extinction diary. During the primary season, we witnessed the untimely (too late, rather than too soon, in this case) extinction of a number of GOPasaurs who strutted their stuff upon the stage but, like their reptilian forebears, were soon found to be full of sound and fury and other stuff that didn’t prove helpful.
Now, as Brontosaurus romneii and his cold-blooded mate Dressageasaurus cruella roam the countryside, empowered by a new sense of inevitability, who among us doesn’t secretly long for a return of the colorful Archeopteryx bachmannii and her mate, the curious Marcasaurus?
Or the folksy and pharmacologically-challenged Gaffasaurus perrii, that fumbling, stumbling Texasaur who showed us that extinction is only as far away as that next glass of red wine and a handful of pain meds.
Who could forget Struthiomimus santorum, whose scaly hide turned every shade of red when he encountered creatures who didn’t adhere to his Triassic ideas of sexual repression and religious dogma? His noisome and noxious vocalizations, once trumpeted across the land, have been reduced to a whimper.
We could probably overlook Cerebrasaurus huntsmanii, as mounting evidence confirms what we have long suspected: no creature this intelligent, well-spoken, and diplomatic could possibly belong to the GOPasauria genus. If you imagined B. romneii with mad skills in international diplomacy, great grasp of macroeconomics and trade, and a human family, this is what you might picture. You'd be wrong.
Stegasaurus newtii, with his uber-botoxed mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii… how they have fallen from their lofty heights now that their funding from Casinasaurus adelsonii has evaporated like a vernal pool in the summer sun. Reduced to occasional sound bites and visits to zoos, these once-powerful creatures have - unbeknownst to them - come to embody all that is good and great about extinction.
Still among us (although in stealth mode as he approaches the fetid swamps of Tampa) is Libertariasaurus paulii who, with some L.paulii notnamedforaynrandii, has been spending his time campaigning for other GOPasaurs within and beyond the Permian Basin.
Gropasaurus hermanii, plucked from our midst at the height of popularity, just because 999 of his closest female associates clawed back when he made the mistake of pursuing them. No other GOPasaur ignited the hopes of the Baggasaurs, who were willing to overlook his dark coloration in exchange for his melifluous sound bites.
Last and most definitely least, we pay tribute to the flirtatious Griftasaurus palinii who, while never officially "in" the race, was assuredly there in spirit, taunting her witless Baggasaur followers with the prospect of a presidential or vice-presidential return to her paleo-glory days. Ever able to evolve, this creature eluded the Mesozoic Grim Reaper on more than one occasion. Indeed, it is only those with whom G. palinii associated (for example Bellicosausaurus mccainii) who faced the prospect of extinction.
Follow along below the coprolite for the rest of the story...
As we see these once-proud creatures take their rightful place in the fossil record, we're confronted with a new menagerie of GOPasaur perils as B. romneii and his minions carry out the top-secret vetting process for a suitable running mate.
B. romneii has proven to be very particular in his selection, seeking a running mate who will not detract from his own extremely limited charisma. This rules out exciting game changing choices such as Behemasaurus christii and Condolezzasaurus diplomatii, who would bring a common touch with the dreaded voters and an unparalleled grasp of those icky global issues, respectively.
Even Cubanasaurus rubii is too wild and crazy for B. Romneii, particularly with his recent unguarded remarks about drifting to our continent illegally. C. rubii also has some, uh, issues with money that could detract from the tedium so essential to B. romneii's peace of mind.
Indeed, the quest appears to be centered on a running mate with the same pale coloration and unremarkable personality. Pawlentasaurus timii appears to fit the bill. Stock in sleeping medications is expected to plummet if these two soporific sauropods hit the campaign trail together on the "All Boredom" ticket. Voter turnout on the GOPasaur side is expected to plummet as well, as votersaurs fling them into the Tarpits of Despair over this abominable choice.
Meanwhile, Obamasaurus Rex and Delawarasaurus bidenii plot their second term, knowing that despite the shortcomings of their foes, they rule at the mercy of a species of creature whose witless vengeance knows no limits: Lowinformationasaurus foxii.
These creatures have confounded Darwin and other biologists with their insistence on reversing their evolution and selecting in favor of their predators, embracing B. romneii (albeit with requisite revulsion) in the mindless hope that he will lead them to an economic promised land. Wrong again, "morans"!
Thus, the struggle for supremacy grinds on. Next stop: Tampa, where we hope with all our hearts to witness some real dino-on-dino action as L. Paulii and his stoner followers take on the champion, B. romneii in a no-holds-barred, pay-per-view event. Stay tuned. Somebody's gonna be going extinct before long.
P.S. If you'd like an actual bit of dinosaur news, check out this link.