Skip to main content

It’s been a while since I wrote a dino-extinction diary. During the primary season, we witnessed the untimely (too late, rather than too soon, in this case) extinction of a number of GOPasaurs who strutted their stuff upon the stage but, like their reptilian forebears, were soon found to be full of sound and fury and other stuff that didn’t prove helpful.

Now, as Brontosaurus romneii and his cold-blooded mate Dressageasaurus cruella roam the countryside, empowered by a new sense of inevitability, who among us doesn’t secretly long for a return of the colorful Archeopteryx bachmannii and her mate, the curious Marcasaurus?

Or the folksy and pharmacologically-challenged Gaffasaurus perrii, that fumbling, stumbling Texasaur who showed us that extinction is only as far away as that next glass of red wine and a handful of pain meds.

Who could forget Struthiomimus santorum, whose scaly hide turned every shade of red when he encountered creatures who didn’t adhere to his Triassic ideas of sexual repression and religious dogma? His noisome and noxious vocalizations, once trumpeted across the land, have been reduced to a whimper.

We could probably overlook Cerebrasaurus huntsmanii, as mounting evidence confirms what we have long suspected: no creature this intelligent, well-spoken, and diplomatic could possibly belong to the GOPasauria genus. If you imagined B. romneii with mad skills in international diplomacy, great grasp of macroeconomics and trade, and a human family, this is what you might picture. You'd be wrong.

Stegasaurus newtii, with his uber-botoxed mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii… how they have fallen from their lofty heights now that their funding from Casinasaurus adelsonii has evaporated like a vernal pool in the summer sun. Reduced to occasional sound bites and visits to zoos, these once-powerful creatures have - unbeknownst to them - come to embody all that is good and great about extinction.

Still among us (although in stealth mode as he approaches the fetid swamps of Tampa) is Libertariasaurus paulii who, with some L.paulii notnamedforaynrandii, has been spending his time campaigning for other GOPasaurs within and beyond the Permian Basin.

Gropasaurus hermanii, plucked from our midst at the height of popularity, just because 999 of his closest female associates clawed back when he made the mistake of pursuing them. No other GOPasaur ignited the hopes of the Baggasaurs, who were willing to overlook his dark coloration in exchange for his melifluous sound bites.

Last and most definitely least, we pay tribute to the flirtatious Griftasaurus palinii who, while never officially "in" the race, was assuredly there in spirit, taunting her witless Baggasaur followers with the prospect of a presidential or vice-presidential return to her paleo-glory days. Ever able to evolve, this creature eluded the Mesozoic Grim Reaper on more than one occasion. Indeed, it is only those with whom G. palinii associated (for example Bellicosausaurus mccainii) who faced the prospect of extinction.

Follow along below the coprolite for the rest of the story...

As we see these once-proud creatures take their rightful place in the fossil record, we're confronted with a new menagerie of GOPasaur perils as B. romneii and his minions carry out the top-secret vetting process for a suitable running mate.

B. romneii has proven to be very particular in his selection, seeking a running mate who will not detract from his own extremely limited charisma. This rules out exciting game changing choices such as Behemasaurus christii and Condolezzasaurus diplomatii, who would bring a common touch with the dreaded voters and an unparalleled grasp of those icky global issues, respectively.

Even Cubanasaurus rubii is too wild and crazy for B. Romneii, particularly with his recent unguarded remarks about drifting to our continent illegally. C. rubii also has some, uh, issues with money that could detract from the tedium so essential to B. romneii's peace of mind.

Indeed, the quest appears to be centered on a running mate with the same pale coloration and unremarkable personality. Pawlentasaurus timii appears to fit the bill. Stock in sleeping medications is expected to plummet if these two soporific sauropods hit the campaign trail together on the "All Boredom" ticket. Voter turnout on the GOPasaur side is expected to plummet as well, as votersaurs fling them into the Tarpits of Despair over this abominable choice.

Meanwhile, Obamasaurus Rex and Delawarasaurus bidenii plot their second term, knowing that despite the shortcomings of their foes, they rule at the mercy of a species of creature whose witless vengeance knows no limits: Lowinformationasaurus foxii.

These creatures have confounded Darwin and other biologists with their insistence on reversing their evolution and selecting in favor of their predators, embracing B. romneii (albeit with requisite revulsion) in the mindless hope that he will lead them to an economic promised land. Wrong again, "morans"!

Thus, the struggle for supremacy grinds on. Next stop: Tampa, where we hope with all our hearts to witness some real dino-on-dino action as L. Paulii and his stoner followers take on the champion, B. romneii in a no-holds-barred, pay-per-view event. Stay tuned. Somebody's gonna be going extinct before long.

P.S. If you'd like an actual bit of dinosaur news, check out this link.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Wed Jun 20, 2012 at 01:23 PM PDT.

Also republished by Hydrant and DKOMA.

Poll

Who should be plucked from the extinction pool for the VP choice?

9%2 votes
4%1 votes
0%0 votes
4%1 votes
4%1 votes
0%0 votes
4%1 votes
9%2 votes
13%3 votes
4%1 votes
31%7 votes
9%2 votes
4%1 votes

| 22 votes | Vote | Results

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site