The Fehrn: Hi, Jeff. Thanks for responding to us and taking the time. Do you know what the position is?
Heckler Jeff: Yeah, Heckler.
The Fehrn: No, it’s..
Heckler Jeff: Oh, I’m sorry. The technical term is Passionate Activist.
The Fehrn: You understand the importance of using the proper terminology?
Heckler Jeff: Yes. If someone uses the wrong term, I will make them pay.
The Fehrn: You… Well…
Heckler Jeff: I’ve got sterling credentials. You want to make Obama cry? I’m your man.
The Fehrn: No, we…
Heckler Jeff: I used to work at a farm. I spent 11 years herding goats. Without dogs.
The Fehrn: OK.
Heckler Jeff: I would yell. All the time. Gales; Lightning; No problem. I never lost a goat.
The Fehrn: And you feel this qualifies you for this position…
Heckler Jeff: No. Did I say that? No, I didn’t. Give me some runway here, Fern Storm. I was saying, as a pertinent lead up, my background happens to be just what you might expect an ideal heckler to have. It of course doesn’t guarantee you will be a great heckler, if you have been a dogless goat herder in Montana, and you’ve been beaten by your alcoholic father your whole life, so that you’ve lived a life full of anger, which, naturally, you project outward onto other people, with amplified fervor; if, in addition to this, you were born with a temper that is notorious throughout your surrounding counties, going back generations in your family to the Civil War; these features alone do not guarantee that one will be a star heckler.
The Fehrn: (He stands up.) Jeff, thanks for this talk, but…
Heckler Jeff: But, look, Eric. I’ve gone out of my way to come to this interview. I’m going to have to ask you to sit back in that chair (he points with a threatening finger at the chair) and listen to why I may be the greatest heckler America has at this moment in history.
The Fehrn: (He sits down.) OK, but I’ll have to…
Heckler Jeff: Thank you. Now, where was I? After yelling down the mountain winds, after all the beatings, I was sent to prison.
The Fehrn: Pr… What for?
Heckler Jeff: My fifth citation, for Disturbing the Peace. It was a doozey.
Silence. Heckler Jeff eyes The Fehrn expectantly.
Heckler Jeff: Nothing? Not even a raised eyebrow? What other mark of aptitude is better for a heckler, than a citation for Disturbing the Peace?
The Fehrn: That is something.
Heckler Jeff: Something… Something that you can read about in the newspapers. The spectacular hoopla. So finally, they put me in jail. And in jail, you know what they made me, after I had established myself as the alpha?
The Fehrn: I think I’ve heard enough, Jeff.
Heckler Jeff: OK, Fehrn. So I’ve frightened you. You think I’m overqualified. Listen, I also have experience participating in society, like a good mensch. For the last ten years, I have operated without any citations. No jail time. A new outlook. I am the man with the heckling abilities, but seasoned, with proper judgment about what is appropriate. I’ve become a student of the nuances of decorum. It’s how I became Maitre D at the Four Seasons, Manhattan.
The Fehrn: What?!
Heckler Jeff: Yes. My current job. The last eight years. With enthusiastic references. I wear high collars or turtle necks to hide the tattoos on my neck. The old ladies love me.
The Fehrn: Really?! So what could you do for us?
Heckler Jeff: I already told you. I can make him cry.
The Fehrn: No… We don’t want that.
Heckler Jeff: I can make him whimper.
The Fehrn: Look, if you’re not going to take this serious…
Heckler Jeff: I don’t think you’ve ever had a serious day in your life, Mister Light Fern. (He stands and hovers over The Fehrn.) You want to have a conversation with me about gravity? (The Fehrn cringes. Heckler Jeff, now looking down upon The Fehrn, purses his lips and looks to his left, letting out a rage-deflating sigh, as if this is the only act which can prevent him from mauling The Fehrn.)
The Fehrn: Ok… Ok. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to insult you. It’s a figure of speech.
Heckler Jeff: Right, and I was just giving you a little taste of the bottled fury I will uncork for you, when you need me. So when do I start?
Eagle Breath
Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.