Skip to main content

My poor sad wingnut friends. I hear you. I understand. When you elected George W. Bush to a second term in office, I had serious discussions with my fiance, now my husband, that the time may have come to leave these shores. We entertained both the Netherlands and Canada. Now I can understand that the Netherlands would be completely out of the question for you. Fox News has made sure you hate the Netherlands nearly as much as abortion. And they speak Dutch. It's hard. It's only natural that you would gravitate towards Canada. It is still located in North America so it has the word America in there for you. It isn't primarily brown (ewwww). You know it's big and Americans like big. And they speak English, even if they do pronounce certain words like about kind of funny and say eh a lot. Some of them actually speak French which may sound like a bad thing at first glance, but it will give you new people to loathe. Yay.

(Continue reading below the fold)

I've done a little research for you because I know how you hate to do any of that yourselves. To be helpful here is a link to their immigration website. You will find many useful things there to begin your journey.

I've already spotted some potential problems for you right off the bat.

The first thing is to find your hook. Immigrating to Canada won't be easy. You'll need an excuse. I've got one for you. Canada is a very compassionate country willing to take in refugees from marxosocialisticfascitical messes such as ourself.

Refugees and people needing protection are people in or outside Canada who fear returning to their home country. In keeping with its humanitarian tradition and international obligations, Canada provides protection to thousands of people every year.
Your desperate plight hasn't gone unnoticed by our neighbors to the north. They are bearing witness to your oppression. The application to file for special refugee status is right on their website. Sorry. That would have been a lot of work. Here's the link.
Canada is a constitutional monarchy, a parliamentary democracy and a federal state. Canadians are bound together by a shared commitment to the rule of law and to the institutions of parliamentary government.

Canadians take pride in their identity and have made sacrifices to defend their way of life. By coming to Canada and taking this important step toward Canadian citizenship, you are helping to write the continuing story of Canada.

Immigrants between the ages of 18 and 54 must have adequate knowledge of English or French in order to become Canadian citizens. You must also learn about voting procedures, Canada’s history, symbols, democratic institutions, geography, and the rights and responsibilities of citizenship.

That's right kids. Canada has a queen. She is also the Queen of England. That must give you a bit of pause but just look at her.

Doesn't she seem nice?

They also have a parliamentary form of government. Says so right there in the brochure. You'll learn all about that because it goes on to say you must also learn about history, voting laws, and all sorts of things that you haven't bothered to learn about your own country. I know that sounds pretty damned terrifying, but remember that you are running from tyranny and some sacrifices will have to be made. Education may be one of them. Getting some education that is.

Here is the oath of citizenship you will be taking.

The Oath of Citizenship / Le serment de citoyenneté

I swear (or affirm)
That I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second
Queen of Canada
Her Heirs and Successors
And that I will faithfully observe
The laws of Canada
And fulfill my duties as a Canadian citizen.

Je jure (ou j’affirme solennellement)
Que je serai fidèle
Et porterai sincère allégeance
à Sa Majesté la Reine Elizabeth Deux
Reine du Canada
À ses héritiers et successeurs
Que j’observerai fidèlement les lois du Canada
Et que je remplirai loyalement mes obligations
de citoyen canadien.

No mention of whether or not you have to learn the French version. If so, just call it the Freedom version and do the best you can.

Sure, there will be a lot of surprises and a slight amount of cultural adjustment to be made by you and your family. I won't tell you about all of them just to keep you excited about your brand new adventure. The bottom line is this: just do it. Take the plunge. Our loss will be Canada's gain and you'll find yourselves fitting in in no time at all.

Just listen to the beautiful music! So much easier to sing than the Star Spangled Banner. Best of luck to you all and we wish you well.

Now excuse me just for a moment...

Dear Canada,

We are sorry but it's your turn to babysit these idiots. They want to come, we want them to go and that's that. Good luck.


Originally posted to Steven Payne on Thu Jun 28, 2012 at 09:37 PM PDT.

Also republished by J Town and Daily Kos.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Meteor Blades, skybluewater, grytpype, a gilas girl, Renee, Thumb, Alumbrados, frey60, Angie in WA State, jo fish, Cederico, DeminNewJ, Alma, Nobody, CathiefromCanada, CJB, Trix, Jack K, Bill in Portland Maine, Ray Radlein, filkertom, Radiowalla, Nate in IA, Maudlin, left of center, Cali Scribe, Joan McCarter, Gooserock, nicolemm, NYmom, madmsf, mimi, PeterHug, bosdcla14, Lahdee, Emerson, alicia, Debby, Shockwave, Heimyankel, LynChi, Wintermute, ChicDemago, meg, OLinda, Charles CurtisStanley, Mnemosyne, plato 451, willyr, xynz, Sandy on Signal, elfling, frisco, ZAPatty, caliberal, grover, exNYinTX, DaveW, expatjourno, bostonjay, hnichols, Creosote, davelf2, dweb8231, Dumbo, Delilah, concernedamerican, bronte17, Babsnc, TracieLynn, parker parrot, mbayrob, whenwego, CoolOnion, Xapulin, mrblifil, Katzy, Aquarius40, khloemi, ovals49, greenomanic, bincbom, limae, sngmama, mollyd, Chitown Charlie, evelette, splashy, navajo, jhklawyer, high uintas, Alna Dem, rjnerd, Eddie C, Arrow, revsue, lulusbackintown, Lilyvt, Redfire, Texknight, SneakySnu, dejavu, Getreal1246, hangingchad, emmasnacker, sockpuppet, TexDem, NYC Sophia, figbash, wordene, Nancy in LA, johanus, moltar, cosette, DSC on the Plateau, Chirons apprentice, defluxion10, Catte Nappe, hazzcon, liberte, chickeee, Buzzer, kalmoth, RebeccaG, bsegel, riverlover, BlogDog, Wayward Wind, Diana in NoVa, zerelda, ybruti, side pocket, parryander, tomjones, ScienceMom, Little Red Hen, sweettp2063, rickeagle, adigal, dss, Jen Hayden, boran2, azrefugee, bibble, Armand451, J Orygun, TexMex, Gowrie Gal, Jersey Joe, weelzup, vcmvo2, ExStr8, maybeeso in michigan, historys mysteries, greycat, ichibon, Unit Zero, blueyedace2, m16eib, SherwoodB, Erik the Red, Rezkalla, KnotIookin, Alice Venturi, BCO gal, Melody Townsel, kitchen sink think tank, citizenx, basquebob, terrypinder, MT Spaces, dewtx, juliesie, zamrzla, Dobber, mitumba, reflectionsv37, Byrnt, PSzymeczek, Beetwasher, dansk47, majcmb1, SaraBeth, Pam from Calif, Sun Tzu, pasadena beggar, where4art, lcbo, cspivey, Overseas, Ice Blue, Little Lulu, blue jersey mom, markdd, onanyes, kaliope, LucyandByron, rb608, brentut5, AnotherMassachusettsLiberal, Savvy813, fotyc, Blu Gal in DE, rbjets69, coolbreeze, dazed in pa, Pluto, turdraker, bunsk, Beezzley, peacestpete, JanL, Ekaterin, JanF, littlewren, Alan Arizona, Marlyn, Blue Bronc, kathny, Jim R, begone, alrdouglas, MadGeorgiaDem, snazzzybird, althea in il, BachFan, tarheelblue, Clytemnestra, Themistoclea, Kimball Cross, tonyahky, HoundDog, Yellow Canary, Dvalkure, kestrel9000, technomage, sessal, Catesby, KenBee, dougymi, The Wizard, deha, fou, luckydog, Hobbitfoot, blueoasis, AnnCetera, wild hair, StrayCat, gpoutney, Libby Shaw, Crashing Vor, Native Light, PapaChach, JVolvo, NearlyNormal, Jjc2006, totallynext, Up to here, SingerInTheChoir, rage, democracy is coming, CA Nana, profh, Persiflage, doingbusinessas, Clive all hat no horse Rodeo, fiddlingnero, Texdude50, means are the ends, bluedogsd, BoojumSte, lynneinfla, nannyboz, Delta Overdue, 20shadesofviolet, slksfca, sea note, markthshark, Quicklund, jobird, Aaa T Tudeattack, cpresley, Thinking Fella, john07801, out of left field, bluicebank, BeninSC, Cronesense, Habitat Vic, Loudoun County Dem, FWIW, Debs2, devis1, bfbenn, gloriana, BruceMcF, EdSF, karmsy, profewalt, edsbrooklyn, rgjdmls, Mark E Andersen, jeanette0605, Matt Z, operculum, terabytes, Dave in Northridge, certainot, sfbob, Wendy in FL, Fantastic, joedemocrat, aliasalias, Uwaine, bnasley, mbh1023, HCKAD, jayden, stratocasterman, cyncynical, Killer of Sacred Cows, SeaTurtle, millwood, NorthlandLiberal, Wreck Smurfy, Rumarhazzit, uciguy30, leonard145b, crystalboy, Zydekos, aseth, South Park Democrat, vet, chicago minx, gizmo59, roberta g, rmonroe, JDWolverton, Palafox, jwinIL14, aishmael, Dem in the heart of Texas, RiverCityMadman, bkamr, gundyj, revm3up, jack 1966, JeffW, JaxDem, gfv6800, Sixty Something, Youffraita, Senor Unoball, Involuntary Exile, smrichmond, elwior, grumpelstillchen, filby, CDH in Brooklyn, Akonitum, mikeconwell, monkeybrainpolitics, mayim, davekro, MrJayTee, Hanging Up My Tusks, Jeff Y, catly, home solar, mofembot, noddem, Gemina13, glendaw271, phrogge prince, luckylizard, Tonga 23, Piren, Blueslide, Bongobanger, Nica24, palantir, dmhlt 66, greenpunx, GrannyOPhilly, shortgirl, CA coastsider, statsone, Purple Priestess, JBL55, oldliberal, legendmn, greywolfe359, Fiddlegirl, Ellid, maggiejean, prettygirlxoxoxo, Bule Betawi, multilee, bluemoonfever, Ran3dy, MufsMom, J M F, rudewarrior, hafnium, litoralis, greengemini, LinSea, don mikulecky, bobatkinson, zephyr108, CanyonWren, maryabein, Methinks They Lie, janmtairy, Zotz, Tara the Antisocial Social Worker, ThatPoshGirl, elziax, CaliSista, zizi, Kaili Joy Gray, MKSinSA, glitterlust, bfitzinAR, Alise, COwoman, Denise Oliver Velez, kevinpdx, Shelley99, IDrankWhat, stevenwag, sfarkash, Tortmaster, jfromga, Dragon5616, Livvy5, jpmassar, citisven, Leftcandid, collardgreens, Larsstephens, Lefty Ladig, tomwfox, commonmass, RhymesWithUrple, henlesloop, Broke And Unemployed, rb137, marabout40, FogCityJohn, TFinSF, LaughingPlanet, serendipityisabitch, little lion, Tea and Strumpets, Susan Grigsby, Observerinvancouver, leftywright, vixenflem, David Harris Gershon, jethrock, michelewln, fleisch, LOrion, Polly Syllabic, Lost and Found, ATFILLINOIS, Garfnobl, Eddie L, BoxNDox, senad, Herse182, Dingodude, teklanika, gulfgal98, CayceP, pixxer, paradise50, Mariken, dlemex, anonevent, ulookarmless, rfall, rfhusker, shel3364, Adam Bink, MsGrin, kenwards, ericlewis0, Otteray Scribe, leu2500, Oh Mary Oh, txcatlin, rasfrome, cany, dot farmer, verdeo, mechboots, no way lack of brain, Onomastic, annieli, praying manatheist, kerflooey, Bluefin, meralda, Atlanta Biker, Hill Jill, Miniaussiefan, mama jo, Matthew D Jones, ozsea1, Mico0109, bgblcklab1, slowbutsure, sostos, henrythefifth, jm214, freesia, donaurora, cooper888, La Gitane, soundchaser, asterkitty, itzik shpitzik, lighttheway, lexalou, OhioNatureMom, pbgv23, lillyspad, sallym, NormAl1792, page394, molunkusmol, cama2008, Progressive Mom, mrsgoo, marleycat, Hohenzollern, zukesgirl64, bacchae1999, sethtriggs, cyberpuggy, grannysally, Cinnamon Rollover, badscience, IllanoyGal, thomask, Claudius Bombarnac, jk2003, marigold, BarackStarObama, muddy boots, smoothnmellow, IndyReader, Fresno, floridablue, Ratmum, wintergreen8694, Imhotepsings, poliwrangler, VTCC73, SNFinVA, blue aardvark, jolux, MattYellingAtTheMoon, SteelerGrrl, Anthony Page aka SecondComing, VeloVixen, JenS, weinerschnauzer, DRo, Regina in a Sears Kit House, Mentatmark, AmazingBlaise, ParkRanger, Davui, ArtemisBSG, YaNevaNo, AnnetteK, Sister Inspired Revolver of Freedom, extripsix, jacey, hulibow, weatherdude, i saw an old tree today, OldDragon, Heart n Mind, anodnhajo, sow hat, Inkberries, cwsmoke, janl1776, Chrislove, Siri, MikeyB33, IndieGuy, EclecticCrafter, ahumbleopinion, Eric Nelson, tb92, S F Hippie, surelyujest, pimutant, Socratic Method, SocialRazor, 2thanks, exatc, congenitalefty, Horace Boothroyd III, dandy lion, Lorinda Pike, Mike RinRI, Tyler R, jan4insight, belinda ridgewood, reginahny, radical simplicity, Arahahex, pittie70, Isaacsdad, Margd, cassandracarolina, james321, Noddy, Vote4Obamain2012, arizonablue, Victim of Circumstance, monkeybox, jim in IA, ItsaMathJoke, Glen The Plumber, Artandscience, Villanova Rhodes, pashber, Melanie in IA, buckeye74, Robynhood too, tripodisblack, Greatwyrm, The Geogre, ericbau114, corpsechorus, Jonathan Hoag, SwedishJewfish, nomandates, MishaBrewer, DamselleFly, wozzlecat, Thomasina, Herodotus Prime, Eric Twocents, remembrance, JayRaye, spgilbert, Setsuna Mudo, jillwklausen, ljcrazyhistorian, Southcoast Luna, Vienna Blue, topazOR, sweetsister, itzadryheat, paccoli, helpImdrowning, LaraJones, Icicle68, bob152, OjaiValleyCali, nakshatradevi, ModerateJosh, smalakoff, gracielove, InfiniteThoughts, Eltearpdx, JKTownsend, Rooe, Fairlithe, pragmaticidealist, addikell, SC Lib, Cyberwizard

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site