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My poor sad wingnut friends. I hear you. I understand. When you elected George W. Bush to a second term in office, I had serious discussions with my fiance, now my husband, that the time may have come to leave these shores. We entertained both the Netherlands and Canada. Now I can understand that the Netherlands would be completely out of the question for you. Fox News has made sure you hate the Netherlands nearly as much as abortion. And they speak Dutch. It's hard. It's only natural that you would gravitate towards Canada. It is still located in North America so it has the word America in there for you. It isn't primarily brown (ewwww). You know it's big and Americans like big. And they speak English, even if they do pronounce certain words like about kind of funny and say eh a lot. Some of them actually speak French which may sound like a bad thing at first glance, but it will give you new people to loathe. Yay.

(Continue reading below the fold)

I've done a little research for you because I know how you hate to do any of that yourselves. To be helpful here is a link to their immigration website. You will find many useful things there to begin your journey.

I've already spotted some potential problems for you right off the bat.

The first thing is to find your hook. Immigrating to Canada won't be easy. You'll need an excuse. I've got one for you. Canada is a very compassionate country willing to take in refugees from marxosocialisticfascitical messes such as ourself.

Refugees and people needing protection are people in or outside Canada who fear returning to their home country. In keeping with its humanitarian tradition and international obligations, Canada provides protection to thousands of people every year.
Your desperate plight hasn't gone unnoticed by our neighbors to the north. They are bearing witness to your oppression. The application to file for special refugee status is right on their website. Sorry. That would have been a lot of work. Here's the link.
Canada is a constitutional monarchy, a parliamentary democracy and a federal state. Canadians are bound together by a shared commitment to the rule of law and to the institutions of parliamentary government.

Canadians take pride in their identity and have made sacrifices to defend their way of life. By coming to Canada and taking this important step toward Canadian citizenship, you are helping to write the continuing story of Canada.

Immigrants between the ages of 18 and 54 must have adequate knowledge of English or French in order to become Canadian citizens. You must also learn about voting procedures, Canada’s history, symbols, democratic institutions, geography, and the rights and responsibilities of citizenship.

That's right kids. Canada has a queen. She is also the Queen of England. That must give you a bit of pause but just look at her.

Doesn't she seem nice?

They also have a parliamentary form of government. Says so right there in the brochure. You'll learn all about that because it goes on to say you must also learn about history, voting laws, and all sorts of things that you haven't bothered to learn about your own country. I know that sounds pretty damned terrifying, but remember that you are running from tyranny and some sacrifices will have to be made. Education may be one of them. Getting some education that is.

Here is the oath of citizenship you will be taking.

The Oath of Citizenship / Le serment de citoyenneté

I swear (or affirm)
That I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second
Queen of Canada
Her Heirs and Successors
And that I will faithfully observe
The laws of Canada
And fulfill my duties as a Canadian citizen.

Je jure (ou j’affirme solennellement)
Que je serai fidèle
Et porterai sincère allégeance
à Sa Majesté la Reine Elizabeth Deux
Reine du Canada
À ses héritiers et successeurs
Que j’observerai fidèlement les lois du Canada
Et que je remplirai loyalement mes obligations
de citoyen canadien.

No mention of whether or not you have to learn the French version. If so, just call it the Freedom version and do the best you can.

Sure, there will be a lot of surprises and a slight amount of cultural adjustment to be made by you and your family. I won't tell you about all of them just to keep you excited about your brand new adventure. The bottom line is this: just do it. Take the plunge. Our loss will be Canada's gain and you'll find yourselves fitting in in no time at all.

Just listen to the beautiful music! So much easier to sing than the Star Spangled Banner. Best of luck to you all and we wish you well.

Now excuse me just for a moment...

Dear Canada,

We are sorry but it's your turn to babysit these idiots. They want to come, we want them to go and that's that. Good luck.

America

Originally posted to Steven Payne on Thu Jun 28, 2012 at 09:37 PM PDT.

Also republished by J Town and Daily Kos.

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