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Last night, in his final New Rule until he returns from break on August 17th, Bill Maher closed the show by telling Romney who his VP candidates should be.

No, I secretly want him to win because, look, I'm a comedian.  Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament.  For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war.

Now, right now, the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride of every wedding you've ever been to.  But Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience, and honesty issues.  Or what pundits call "the full Palin".

....

So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box.  what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012?

It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, "I think the black guy's up to no good."  (shocked audience reaction turns to applause and cheering)  Thank you, thank you for coming around on that one.

....

But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President?  Mitt Romney.  That's right, Mitt.  Yourself!  Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you.  (audience applause)  I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule.  OK, forget that one.

Video and full transcript below the fold.


And finally, Mitt Romney must not pick a vice president before August 17th, when I get back from vacation.  And furthermore, he must take my advice on who to pick.  Why me?  Because I secretly want Mitt Romney to win.  There.  That's the cliffhanger.  Have a great summer.  (gets up and starts to leave)

No, I secretly want him to win because, look, I'm a comedian.  Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament.  For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war.

Now, right now, the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride of every wedding you've ever been to.  But Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience, and honesty issues.  Or what pundits call "the full Palin".

Now, many Republicans of course want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt's second in command.  And it's hard to look at him and not think, number two.  (audience laughter)

And then there's Congressman Paul Ryan.  On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes.  On the minus side, he's a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards.  And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up.

Of course, there's always Tim Pawlenty.  He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.

So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box.  what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012?

It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, "I think the black guy's up to no good."  (shocked audience reaction turns to applause and cheering)  Thank you, thank you for coming around on that one.

Or another way to go, what about VP Dinesh from Call Center tech support?

You're all about cutting government, think of the money we save by outsourcing the Veep to Bangalore.  I mean, what is the Vice President's main job?  Support!  "If you think your head of state has died, push 1 now.  Before I go to the funeral, have you tried turning him off and on?"

But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President?  Mitt Romney.  That's right, Mitt.  Yourself!  Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you.  (audience applause)  I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule.  OK, forget that one.

But I got one more idea.  Yes, it's desperate, but Mitt, come on, you're not the most galvanizing candidate in history.  And by that, I mean, you're the least galvanizing candidate in history.  Scientists are testing your stump speech as a cure for sleep apnea.  Remember that time you tried to kiss a baby, and it crawled back in the womb?

Me, Mitt.  Pick me!

Pick me for your VP!  (wild audience applause)

I know it's out of the box, but look.  We are complete opposites.  Americans love that.  It'll be like a buddy movie, where you're the uptight square, and I'm Chris Tucker.  I could bring total balance to the ticket.  You're against medical marijuana, I'm high right now!  (audience applause)  You wear magic underwear, I go commando.  I hate kids, you have 47 over for Thanksgiving.  You're a Mormon, I think Mormonism is a hysterical con invented by a swindler to get pussy!

Me, Mitt, me!  Let me help you move America forward into the past!  All right, that is our show.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Sat Jun 30, 2012 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

Poll

Now, who do you think Romney will ACTUALLY end up picking for his VP nominee?

3%4 votes
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2%3 votes
14%17 votes
24%29 votes
11%13 votes
10%12 votes
1%2 votes
7%9 votes
8%10 votes
1%2 votes

| 118 votes | Vote | Results

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