In our continuing series of diaries on interacting with commenters in your Daily Kos diaries, today's installment focuses on courtesy in the face of contention.
As we've discussed in Part One and Part Two and Part 3, the comment thread of your diary offers some challenges and some rewards. Even in cases where disagreements arise, if you can foster a constructive dialog, you can earn and maintain the respect of commenters and learn a thing or two that will benefit your future writing.
When you hit "publish", your diary leaves the safety of your mind and heart and goes out into a world populated with all sorts of people. As my uncle, a psychiatric social worker who worked with trouble youth in the correctional system used to say: "It takes all kinds to make a world, and thank God I'm not one of them." You may have similar thoughts as you see your beloved diary face the slings and arrows of outrageous commenters.
With the beneft of anonymity, some who visit your diary may leave comments that they'd be unlikely to convey to you in a face-to-face encounter. Comments that might have been intended as humorous, snarky, or joking can come across as mean-spirited, insulting, or cruel.
Without the benefit of body language and facial expression cues, you may wonder: "Is this person serious or kidding?" and thinking: "Wow; if they're serious, this is one messed up individual".
In a face-to-face encounter, your facial expression of shock, hurt, or anger would be a major clue to a commenter that their comment - if intended to be light-hearted - has been misconstrued, and the commenter could make a mid-course correction to clarify their point. Your body language - rising from your seat, clenching your jaw (or your fists), leaning forward - could also provide a wordless warning that you're in a "fight or flight" mode as a result of what you've just heard.
Here at the Great Orange Satan, however, we're not able to avail ourselves of all these sensory inputs. We're limited to words. Follow along below the communication gap for more...
When someone leaves an objectionable comment in your diary, wait a while before replying. "A while" can be anywhere from five minutes to forever. Remember: you don't owe anyone a reply. Think of your comment thread as part of the "permanent record". Picture yourself looking back on it in a few hours and a few days. Chances are, most of the comments that accumulate will be positive, helpful, constructive, and friendly. In the midst of that, there'll be this one objectionable comment.
Visitors to your thread will see how others felt through the number of "recommends" to each comment from you (the diarist) and other commenters. If your ugly comment stands alone, ignored or - if it's something really, really egregious, "hide rated", the record will speak for itself.
Other commenters may take on the offender, leaving you to be the "good cop". Not a bad position to be in.
Let's consider for a moment WHY someone would leave a nasty, negative, or vicious comment.
1. They're a nasty, negative, or vicious person. Maybe, but it takes a lot of mental energy to maintain that on a 24/7 basis. If they're treating everyone this way, it's a self-limiting phenomenon. You can always click on their username and then click on "Comments Posted" and see what sort of comments they've been leaving in other people's diaries, and how others have reacted to those comments.
2. Something in your diary (or in someone else's comment) has struck a nerve with them. You may not be able to do anything about this. As long as you have exercised common courtesy in you diary and in your own comments, you shouldn't beat yourself up. On the other hand, if you're getting negative comments from several commenters, you may want to consider whether they might have a point. If so, you may be able to interact with them in the thread, letting them know that you're at least acknowledging their comments, even if you don't entirely agree.
3. They're just having a bad day. I took a friend out to dinner once at a restaurant that I'd been to before - great food, good service, nice atmosphere. Our waiter never even established eye contact with us. He slammed our meals down on the table, turned on his heel, and stormed off. He never checked back. A manager later stopped by and asked about our dining experience. I explained what happened and the manager said "Oh, his girlfriend just left him. He's having a bad day." Sometimes when we're having a bad day, it's best not to post diaries or comments. However, for some folks, it seems to be their ideal time to post. Again, a check of their "Comments Posted" will help. If 95% of their comments are constructive, and only a few are unduly harsh, it might be easier to cut them some slack.
4. They've misunderstood what you've said in your diary or comment. It shouldn't come as a surprise that some people post a comment without having read, much less understood, your diary. In this case, a courteous question seeking clarification may help you get the commenter to either explain their hostile comment, or back down from it. Remember, however, that:
You Cannot Enlighten The Unconscious
5.
Finally, it's possible that you yourself are having a bad day. All the more reason to wait before responding to something that's rubbed you the wrong way. Step away for a bit if you can. Take a deep breath. Take a walk around the block. If that doesn't help, you can draft a harshly worded reply... in a separate document... then delete it.
Whatever happens, remember:
Do Not Let Other People Live Rent-Free In Your Head
Believe me, if I can adhere to this advice, so can you.