It's been a few weeks since our last installment, and flaws have been piling up at an alarming rate. As the summer wears on, even Mitt's staunchest defenders find themselves succumbing to a draining mix of boredom, despair, resignation, and self-loathing. How, they wonder, could it have come to this? Someone should have said something... done something. It's too late now... or is it?
Your intrepid diarist is surely not the only person secretly hoping that the Tampa convention erupts into a bench-clearing brawl when the air conditioning fails, tempers flare, Ron Paul triggers a floor fight, and Romney has a spectacular emotional and software meltdown. Rising from the ashes of this longed-for debacle: a new presidential nominee.
As we await this change in our fortunes, here is your latest update on the Innumerable Flaws of Mitt. As always, since this is a village-sized job, feel free to add your own Mitt flaws in the comments - extra credit for rhyming!
A is for Ann whose remarks make us retch
It just isn't polite for rich people to kvetch
B's still for Bain; Mitt's still joined at the hip
Loading ingots of gold from the SS Bain ship
C for the Caymans: what lurks in their vaults?
And what will Mittens do when the trading all halts?
D for the dogs that lived lives far too short
For if dogs could get lawyers, they'd see Mitt in court
E for elections, a terrible waste
Could I just BUY those votes? Mitt exclaims with distaste
F is for Fehrnstrom who's made one more gaffe
Mitt likes firing folks; is this Eric's last laugh?
G is for George, Mittens' long-maligned dad
If he saw how Mitt's turned out, he'd be very sad
H for the horse far too lame to be raced
It was drugged up for sale in Ann's cash-grabbing haste
I is for illnesses, ailments, and woes
Pre-existing conditions? Mitt says: "Yeah, that blows..."
J for July when the temperatures rise
And the sweat on Mitt's brow will be hard to disguise
K for kleptocracy, winner take all
Please remember this! Make sure your vote counts this fall!
L, labor unions Mitt wants to wipe out
Will they show up ensuring a big Romney rout?
M for the money that flows through his vein
Rolling in every day from those deals made at Bain
N, nomination: Mittens says "It's my turn"
But it's "anyone else" for whom GOPasaurs yearn
O for offshore, far from IRS' reach
Where Mitt visits his money, bypassing the beach
P for Pew Poll that shows Mitt's just a bore
What an obvious fact; can they say something more?
Q for the questions on Mitt's ties with Bain
Will the answers torpedo poor Mittens' campaign?
R for John Roberts who broke with the Right
He is now on the list of the folks Mitt would smite
S for Scalia; that's Mitt's kind of judge
"Just like me, he's a guy who can carry a grudge!"
T for those taxes: we're still waiting, Mitt
We suspect you're not paying, you crass piece of sh*t
U, unemployment: Mitt hopes it stays high
And if Bain can help out, well, it's sure worth a try
V is for vetting; who will be Mitt's choice?
Will the base groan in anguish or loudly rejoice?
W, weltschmerz; campaigning is rough!
Is it only July? Mitt's had more than enough.
X for extensions on taxes: why not?
I'm the fabulous Mitt! I will never be caught!
Y is for yellow; a cowardly hue
Like the chicken-hawk Mitt who would sacrifice you
Z is for zzzzzz, what we feel when we hear
Mitt go blathering on for what seems like a year