(By Samantha Kimmel-Muston, not Kimit Muston, who is actually married to me but I can't get this ferkakte thing to put my name in.)
Following are some of the things I know for a fact are smarter than Victoria Jackson:
1. Nail Fungus
2. Giant three-toed sloths
4. Canine anal glands
5. Belly button lint
6. Guys who rob banks by writing the stick-up notes on their own deposit slips
7. Specimen collection cups. Full ones.
8. Jerusalem beetles (look 'em up. I'll wait.
Weird looking, aren't they?)
9. Vomit bags
1o. Horse-shoe crabs. Oh, wait, they're about 450 million years old but VJ thinks the
world was created 6,000 years ago last Friday, around noon. Hmmm.... how about...
Inert gas. Well, face it: she IS inert gas.
I knew VJ back in the day: I was in an acting troupe that recreated old radio shows, at the Variety Arts Theatre in downtown L.A., and she did her... um... well, her "act" at the same theatre, but was not in our group. Her "act" consisted of bending her spine backwards, until her hands touched the floor below and her giant empty head touched her (then) pert little bootie, and she would twist that empty head toward the audience and croak "I have flipped over you". (Johnny Carson loved it, and she was on his show something like four hundred and ninety six times because she could do a backflip, and thus became famous and got the gig on SNL, where she was, to put it as mildly as I can, utterly, horrifically, abysmally bad.)
Anyway, that was it. Her entire act. Doing a backbend and croaking. But it got her on Johnny Carson and then to SNL. So, we were all puzzled. Someone in my gang asked me once, in a spot-on impression of Robert Shaw, "Is Victoria very very smart or very very dumb?"
She's the latter. She's a shark, people. She eats, and swims amongst the innocent, and takes huge bites out of those innocents, people she has no business even talking of, much less lecturing to.
Very, very dumb.
She will also do anything, anything, to keep her name in the paper, on the lips of the public, or even just piss us all off so much that we write screes like this to inform...
.... uh oh.... maybe.... very very smart???
Nah. Inert. Talentless and inert. With a good publicist.
And please: feel free to add more things that are smarter than Victoria. We haven't even touched the area of spores and things that give you explosive diarrhea.