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(By Samantha Kimmel-Muston, not Kimit Muston, who is actually married to me but I can't get this ferkakte thing to put my name in.)

Following are some of the things I know for a fact are smarter than Victoria Jackson:

1.  Nail Fungus

2.  Giant three-toed sloths

3.  Doorknobs

4.  Canine anal glands

5.  Belly button lint

6.  Guys who rob banks by writing the stick-up notes on their own deposit slips

7.  Specimen collection cups. Full ones.

8.  Jerusalem beetles (look 'em up. I'll wait.

    Weird looking, aren't they?)

9.  Vomit bags

1o. Horse-shoe crabs. Oh, wait, they're about 450 million years old but VJ thinks the                      
    world was created 6,000 years ago last Friday, around noon. Hmmm.... how about...

     Inert gas. Well, face it: she IS inert gas.

I knew VJ back in the day: I was in an acting troupe that recreated old radio shows, at the Variety Arts Theatre in downtown L.A., and she did her... um... well, her "act" at the same theatre, but was not in our group. Her "act" consisted of bending her spine backwards, until her hands touched the floor below and her giant empty head touched her (then) pert little bootie, and she would twist that empty head toward the audience and croak "I have flipped over you". (Johnny Carson loved it, and she was on his show something like four hundred and ninety six times because she could do a backflip, and thus became famous and got the gig on SNL, where she was, to put it as mildly as I can, utterly, horrifically, abysmally bad.)

Anyway, that was it. Her entire act. Doing a backbend and croaking. But it got her on Johnny Carson and then to SNL. So, we were all puzzled. Someone in my gang asked me once, in a spot-on impression of Robert Shaw, "Is Victoria very very smart or very very dumb?"

She's the latter. She's a shark, people. She eats, and swims amongst the innocent, and takes huge bites out of those innocents, people she has no business even talking of, much less lecturing to.

Very, very dumb.

She will also do anything, anything, to keep her name in the paper, on the lips of the public, or even just piss us all off so much that we write screes like this to inform...

.... uh oh.... maybe.... very very smart???

Nah. Inert. Talentless and inert. With a good publicist.

And please: feel free to add more things that are smarter than Victoria. We haven't even touched the area of spores and things that give you explosive diarrhea.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Yes, she's quite dumb, but (4+ / 0-)

    That in itself is not objectionable to me. Many people are dumb and you can't help being born the way you are.
    It's the lack of humility that usually turns a dumb person into a hateful one; their need to feel that even though they may be dumb, they are still better than all those smart people, because they and they alone know the true will of god, or whatever. Sad, because there was a time when Victoria had no hate that I noticed. She was still dumb, but not hateful. Ah, well
    I enjoyed my time working with her. The polarization of Christians has cost me a lot of friends....

    The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. Mark Twain

    by AWhitneyBrown on Mon Jul 09, 2012 at 04:54:03 PM PDT

  •  I actually liked her (0+ / 0-)

    back in her SNL/"Earth Girls Are Easy" phase. She seemed to be a little ditzy, a little blowsy, and tremendously sweet. Maybe she was at the time, but lack of success seems to have turned her extremely bitter.

    Hige sceal þe heardra, heorte þe cenre, mod sceal þe mare, þe ure mægen lytlað

    by milkbone on Mon Jul 09, 2012 at 05:09:45 PM PDT

  •  Dumb as an industrial diamond...n/t (0+ / 0-)

    "We are a Plutocracy, we ought to face it. We need, desperately, to find new ways to hear independent voices & points of view" Ramsey Clark, U.S. Attorney General.

    by Mr SeeMore on Tue Jul 10, 2012 at 02:39:11 AM PDT

  •  Totally OT... (0+ / 0-)

    I know Kimit doesn't reply to comments in his diaries,  but could you please make sure he knows how very much this retired teacher enjoys his blog?  I have learned so much from reading his humorous and informative posts!

    -7.62, -7.28 "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." -Langston Hughes

    by luckylizard on Tue Jul 10, 2012 at 03:51:51 AM PDT

    •  Kimit and His Posts (0+ / 0-)

      I will make it a priority to ensure that Kimit knows how much you enjoy his blogs, even though he didn't write this particular... bl of the blog?

      How do you chapterize blogs???

      Whichever, he really is entertaining and informative, ain't he? Fun around the house, too.

      Samantha Kimmel-Muston

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