I have terrible news. Last week, one of my sock puppets sent threatening messages to my alternate identity on Facebook. I was shocked. This personality knew horrifying boilerplate information about my other sock puppets that I posted myself on liberal website, DailyKos. I haven't been able to eat or sleep since. I am warning you: be very careful of what you post on left-wing websites. Distance and dissociate yourself. I am not only terrified for my own safety and the safety of my multiple alter-egos, but I am worried for the health and well being of their virtual families as well. No place is safe for open liberal discussion. I sit here crying my eyes out contemplating Second Amendment remedies (the NRA had it right after all) and I am in constant contact with the Department of Justice, the International Criminal Court, Queen Victoria's personal security detail, and law enforcement in 45 states, 82 countries, and five planets. I can only reveal fragments and summations to avoid jeopardizing sensitive critical proceedings or placing countless families at risk, but suffice it to say the galaxy is on high alert for imminent demands to "GBCW." The media has dropped all coverage of LIBOR, fracking under cemeteries, war, disease, and corruption to focus on my exceedingly traumatic email exchanges. They affect each and every one of us.
Tomorrow, I will be rendering my final decision on whether to leave this site for a day or for an hour. I promise to bring you up-to-the-minute situation reports but due to the highly mercurial and classified nature of this issue and all parties involved, I reserve the right to delete at any time. Although I am frantic, sleep-deprived, heartbroken, and terrified for the safety of my loved ones, if there are any doubts of my veracity, I hereby attest I will find time to fax, email, telegraph, or even hot-air-balloon any one of you signed affidavits from witnesses with whom I have had tea on more than one occasion, several of whom may or may not be alternate personalities, other sock puppets, aunts, nephews, or lifelong friends made here on RedState. Ooops, redact that. I am a sympathetic character and I would never lie about something this serious. DailyKos means the world to me and I would never accept money to foment disunity here.