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"I gotta say this was the stuff of nightmares, this was an actual visual and audio blueprint of what a pedophile does.  Usually we just have the awful stories the victim is telling us, but in this case, we had to listen to it and we had to watch it and that's never going to go away from myself or my wonderful team of detectives..."  county Assistant District Attorney Samantha Cauffman

After a day of testimony wherein the alleged pedophile was said to be "arrogant" in his defense, prosecutors were shocked by the events that happened next.

About to be confronted in court with the cell phone video he made of his sexual assault of a little girl, a Schwenksville-area man decided to admit his guilt to charges he sexually abused a total of three girls.

Barry McOwen, 67... insisted on viewing a 9-minute video of one of the sexual assaults...and then informed prosecutors he would plead guilty.

The judge sentenced Mr. McOwen to a minimum of 50.5 years, thus ensuring he would spend the rest of his life in jail, ensuring he would never be in contact with other little girls.
The anguished parents of all the girls wept as they consoled one another throughout the court hearing, a mixture of grief about what happened to their children and relief about the fact that the little girls would be spared the trauma of a trial.
The fact that he videotaped one of his attacks provides a window into the mind and acts of a serial predatory pedophile.  While it sickens me that the pedophile "insisted" that they watch the video of him abusing a little girl, and as disturbing and disgusting as I'm sure it was to watch, this quote from the Assistant AD provides some insight into what victims go through:
we had to watch it and that's never going to go away from myself or my wonderful team of detectives
The video is of Samantha Cauffman's comments and Mr. McOwen's "perp walk" - nothing trggering here.

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Never going to go away...and that's just watching it.  Having lived through it, I agree.  The memories of what my grandfather did to me will never go away.  Sometimes there are flashbacks, images flood through my dreams, smells even can literally bring me to my knees (Irish Spring for example).  Situations that are high stress can put me into that fight or flight mode.  I continued to self abuse with drinking, smoking, food.  Worried that if others "knew" they would think less of me - my identity completely wrapped up in what others thought, no self value, no self worth...

And, for the most part, I've run, hidden; behind smoke, behind my weight, behind alcohol.  I've run way from the memories, away from the images, away from the pain, away from myself.  Until November.  Until 8 young men stood up and told their truth.

I'm not running anymore.  

When I joined here, Rebecca had a part of this quote in her signature line - it is also on our website -

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.
...the rest of the quote is -
But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry. ~Ernest Hemingway

I've been broken - but I am getting stronger each and every day, with the help of my family, my friends, and myself.  I've learned to stop worrying what others think about me or how they treat me.  I only worry about what I think of myself and how I treat others.  I no longer think I am dirty, tainted, unclean.  I am a good person.  I am gentle.  And I am [becoming] brave.  

I am healing.  I am recovering.  I am...Roxine.

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