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"I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” – Mitt Romney, 2012

Although the 2012 Republican and Democratic National Conventions are still over a month away, representatives of both parties are already hard at work on their official party platforms. The process is typically a routine one in which committee members affirm their party’s principles, but occasionally sticky situations arise on policy issues that can lead to convention floor fights among delegates and could even cost a candidate an election.

I have been privileged to obtain a working draft of this year’s Republican Party platform. It’s a fair bet that a few of the planks will be reworked or reworded before the final platform is presented to the GOP delegates in Tampa, but you can be sure the basic principles will remain solidly in place.

And so, for the benefit of armchair analysts of the smoke-filled room, the 2012 Republican Party platform:

“Over the last three and a half years President Obama has killed Osama bin Laden, helped topple Muammar Gaddafi, ended the war in Iraq while winding down the war in Afghanistan, enacted health care reform, signed financial reform legislation ending corrupt banking practices, put an end to the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, and saved the American auto industry. In other words, he’s done nothing. Except, of course, when he was shoving socialism down the throats of the American people.

The Republican Party believes that affordable health care is the greatest threat in the world today to the American people and the American way of life.

We believe that when Democrats spend money it is part of a shameful pattern of government waste, but when Republicans spend money it stimulates the economy and represents an investment in all that is wholesome and pure in America, such as defense, faith-based initiatives, defense, farm subsidies, and defense.

We believe that corporations are people, all wealthy people are job creators, and that expecting the rich to pay taxes is nothing short of class warfare. We also believe that global warming is a hoax, energy-efficient light bulbs are the first step on the road to communism, Fox News is actually “fair and balanced”, and Jesus slew dinosaurs while riding a unicorn.

We believe in trickle-down economics and that additional tax cuts for the wealthy will help the 1% continue to trickle all over the other 99%.

We believe that too many coddled, lazy liberals are living large off government social programs and creating a culture of entitlement. We believe the only people rightfully entitled to taxpayer-funded government handouts are financial institutions, venture capitalists, and big oil companies.

We believe that anti-American labor unions are destroying our country. We pledge to return America to the more productive days before five-day work weeks, livable wages, paid sick and maternity leave, workplace safety, and employer-based health coverage.

We believe in tightening eligibility requirements for unemployment benefits, welfare, and food stamps, and easing unfairly restrictive gun laws, because what this country needs are more desperate, jobless people with access to guns.

We believe in abolishing the Department of Education and pledge to eliminate failing, underfunded public schools by no longer funding them. Liberals may see today’s youth as illiterate and uneducated, but we see them as future Republican voters.

We believe in supporting our brave men and women in uniform, as long as they’re not gay, by seeing that they get as much experience as possible fighting wars in godforsaken deserts around the globe. We pledge to share their selfless sacrifice by wearing American flag lapel pins and sticking a magnetic yellow ribbon on the back of our SUVs so everyone can see we are fighting right alongside our troops.

We believe that racial equality in America has already been achieved. Honestly, what more do those colored people want?

We believe that comprehensive immigration reform is a must. America es lleno, muchachos: we’re all full up, so you and your familias and your amigos can stop coming now. Unless, of course, you’re coming to pick our fruit, mow our lawns, clean our homes or watch our children.

We believe that American manhood is best represented by kick-ass warriors like Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitt Romney[1] and not by soft-on-defense latte-sippers like George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, and John Kerry[2].

We believe that American women needn’t worry their pretty little heads about anything; we are only too happy to do their thinking for them.

We believe that marriage is between one man and a succession of increasingly younger, hotter women.

We believe that America is a Christian nation, although we’re willing to share it with a few Jewish doctors and accountants. Don’t get us started on Muslims.

We believe in the sanctity of life right up until the moment that life leaves the womb.

We believe that evolution is a theory, just like gravity and that whole “round earth” business.

We believe that although 9/11 happened on Bush’s watch, it was Clinton’s fault, and although it was Obama who killed bin Laden, it’s Bush who deserves the credit. It’s kind of complicated; you’ll just have to take our word on this.

We believe that everything Democrats believe is wrong and everything Republicans believe is right because what Republicans believe comes straight from the lips of God and is therefore not up for discussion or compromise.

In sum, we believe our nation’s government has been bought and sold by special interests and no longer works in the best interests of the American people. Elect Mitt Romney President and give him a Republican Congress on November 6 and let them prove it.”

[1] Reagan secured a deferment from military service, Cheney five deferments, Giuliani and Romney two each.

[2] McGovern earned the Distinguished Flying Cross as a World War II bomber pilot, Carter was a graduate of the United States Naval Academy and a nuclear submarine officer, Kerry a Vietnam War swift boat officer with a Silver Star, Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts.

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